Poly 201: It is more than Theory. (Now Public)
This Post is now public. Please feel free to share with others. I would like to spread the conversation.
I will start with saying that I am trying to start a conversation and not criticize. The Poly 201
panel was probably the best I have been to yet. It dealt with more of the real world issues that
are not necessarily Poly but because it happens to a Poly person there are more facets to the issues
than if it was just occurring around a "normal" relationship.
But there were some gaps in the conversation--time constraints as well as lack of relevant experience
on the panel that has me processing quite a bit more than I usually do with panels. The first of two
that were particularly vexing was the response to "what happens when someone is dealing with a long-term
illness or even someone dying".
The tl;dr answer that was given: The community is really good in crisis with support and casseroles.
The community really is very good with crisis just as many communities are. In moments of crisis, people
come together instantly to try to help, to support and to make their presence known. But the question
wasn't about immediate crisis. It was about long term illness or someone dying.
This is another story. When things go on long term, the larger community moves on to another event or
another crisis. A smaller circle of friends will try to continue the help and support, but as things drag
on for a longer and longer period of time, it can become more and more difficult to recruit help.
The person who posed the topic later mentioned that they felt like if you aren't dating/sleeping/involved with
someone (anymore or at all-my addition not theirs) the feeling is it's an imposition to ask. I can't argue with
that too much with my personal experience. Whenever I put out general requests for help during Aries' X00th
hospital stay it was exceedingly for anyone other than the closest of friends or people who he was involved with
to respond.
Then there is the other edge of that sword. He was in the hospital the increasingly common medical reasons, for
his bipolar or for his addiction--and I would get judged for any number of things from just taking time for
myself to not leaving him for good. A spouse gets judged for going on dates when their primary is sick and yet
the help that would make caretaker self-care easier often falls by the wayside.
For the record, I'm not making accusations or trying to make anyone feel defensive. No one is really built to deal
with long term crises. We are not taught to take care of ourselves very well, never mind to care for others. It
seems there are the people who go overboard and the people who just don't know how to help. I am not blaming
anyone for these problems. I am trying to draw attention to the deficit in the conversation and the difference
between crisis in short term and long term.
Awareness of a problem is the first step to discussion and possible solution.
I will start with saying that I am trying to start a conversation and not criticize. The Poly 201
panel was probably the best I have been to yet. It dealt with more of the real world issues that
are not necessarily Poly but because it happens to a Poly person there are more facets to the issues
than if it was just occurring around a "normal" relationship.
But there were some gaps in the conversation--time constraints as well as lack of relevant experience
on the panel that has me processing quite a bit more than I usually do with panels. The first of two
that were particularly vexing was the response to "what happens when someone is dealing with a long-term
illness or even someone dying".
The tl;dr answer that was given: The community is really good in crisis with support and casseroles.
The community really is very good with crisis just as many communities are. In moments of crisis, people
come together instantly to try to help, to support and to make their presence known. But the question
wasn't about immediate crisis. It was about long term illness or someone dying.
This is another story. When things go on long term, the larger community moves on to another event or
another crisis. A smaller circle of friends will try to continue the help and support, but as things drag
on for a longer and longer period of time, it can become more and more difficult to recruit help.
The person who posed the topic later mentioned that they felt like if you aren't dating/sleeping/involved with
someone (anymore or at all-my addition not theirs) the feeling is it's an imposition to ask. I can't argue with
that too much with my personal experience. Whenever I put out general requests for help during Aries' X00th
hospital stay it was exceedingly for anyone other than the closest of friends or people who he was involved with
to respond.
Then there is the other edge of that sword. He was in the hospital the increasingly common medical reasons, for
his bipolar or for his addiction--and I would get judged for any number of things from just taking time for
myself to not leaving him for good. A spouse gets judged for going on dates when their primary is sick and yet
the help that would make caretaker self-care easier often falls by the wayside.
For the record, I'm not making accusations or trying to make anyone feel defensive. No one is really built to deal
with long term crises. We are not taught to take care of ourselves very well, never mind to care for others. It
seems there are the people who go overboard and the people who just don't know how to help. I am not blaming
anyone for these problems. I am trying to draw attention to the deficit in the conversation and the difference
between crisis in short term and long term.
Awareness of a problem is the first step to discussion and possible solution.