ABZ Entry Two: A
*clears throat*
A is also for Allergy.
My mother believed at the turn of the eighties that by breast feeding me she'd be sparing me a lifetime full of runny noses and watery eyes and possible throat asplode and croakery. She was mostly right. To date, there is no animal that cannot sleep on my face. I have never truly been affected by seasonal allergies. And even the one medication allergy I seem to have -- doxycycline -- does not seem to inspire much more than a very mild rash on my wrists.
In 2004 I was slightly suspicious that I was allergic to lobster, as my body seemed to explode in extraordinarily itchy red globules not too long after my mother and I ate lobster rolls in some New England state. I went for a complete allergy testing workup, and it didn't reveal anything. Turned out the source of my discomfort was bedbugs.
So when I suddenly began to turn into my own private Cronenberg movie, most closely resembling The Brood, about two and a half years ago, I never thought in a million years it was allergy related. I went to at least three different types of specialists, had an MRI of my brain to rule out tumors, dabbled in spiritualism and attempted to trace psychological causation and was pretty much beyond hope after the symptoms persisted with no apparent rhyme or reason. Then, after abruptly giving up alcohol due to an utter lack of a cause/effect relationship that bore any resemblance to fun and being told by my newfound Eastern medical practitioners that "WE consider food intake to be strongly related to your symptoms" -- they always way WE as if as if to suggest that their Eastern dad could beat up my Western dad -- decided to try Ye Olde Elimination Diet.
I started with sugar. Small amount of improvement, but nothing to write home about. And I really wanted to write home about it because I gave it up The Week Before Christmas, only breaking it for a piece of divine coconut cake from Sugar Sweet Sunshine. I wasn't a total fascist about it. I just avoided things that were "sweet" or that had a huge amount of sugar in the ingredient list. But still, not enough improvement to make me feel I was done.
Last February I gave up gluten. Difficult, yes. But honestly, I didn't miss it after a week or so, but man did I ever experience a "withdrawal." Did it cure the Cronenberg? Uh, no. In fact, the only lasting effect was dropping about five pounds and never feeling bloated ever.
Then I realized I had no choice but to cut out my most favorite-est thing ever. Dairy. Some of you may remember when I thought I was lactose intolerant? Well, it turned out I was just really stressed out, and I resumed my passion as a cheese shark after a few short months. This time, I took the plunge fully expecting this to be the solution I was looking for. My cheesemonger -- yes I have a cheesemonger -- was devastated. I looked at her and literally teared up. "NO CHEESE, Anne, just eggs today. And maybe no milk ever, ever again. I want to die. There is no purpose to anything." And I instantly went looking for a proper cheese/milk substitute, basically increasing my intake of imitation cuisine by about 1000%. I stuffed the shame of my hypocrisy; I reserved a special and loud loathing for un-foods... and I still do. But I had a fridge stocked full of un-foods, and suddenly I was coming down with the first cold I had in years.
But it wasn't a cold. It was... weird.
And then I started itching everywhere. Sneezing. A nebulous rash around my eye popped back up with a vengeance. Cronenberg was busy on The Brood 2: Scarier Than Hairlipped Midgets in Parkas. And I was going totally crazypants. Then about a week and a half into no dairy hell, I was sitting at my computer, eating some homemade tofu ice cream and feeling just god awful when..........
Wait.
My symptoms got worse.
What has changed?
FUCKING SOY. I look at the various webpages describing soy allergies................... pretty much a bingo all the way down the list. Long story short (too late), I give up soy. ALL soy. Including vegetable oil (yah, that's soy too), fermented soy (which isn't supposed to be as bad, but I think it's still producing a reaction), lecithin, and "Natural Flavors." Within 24 hours, I noticed a difference.
So yah. FUCKING SOY. Insidious fucking in absolutely every product on the market soy. So let's say I'm ordering a lot of mediterranean stuff and my sushi is a little less salty than it once was.
Oh... the day after the epiphany I went back to my cheesemonger and had her funnel goat milk down my throat like I was a foie gras goose.
The End.
A is also for Allergy.
My mother believed at the turn of the eighties that by breast feeding me she'd be sparing me a lifetime full of runny noses and watery eyes and possible throat asplode and croakery. She was mostly right. To date, there is no animal that cannot sleep on my face. I have never truly been affected by seasonal allergies. And even the one medication allergy I seem to have -- doxycycline -- does not seem to inspire much more than a very mild rash on my wrists.
In 2004 I was slightly suspicious that I was allergic to lobster, as my body seemed to explode in extraordinarily itchy red globules not too long after my mother and I ate lobster rolls in some New England state. I went for a complete allergy testing workup, and it didn't reveal anything. Turned out the source of my discomfort was bedbugs.
So when I suddenly began to turn into my own private Cronenberg movie, most closely resembling The Brood, about two and a half years ago, I never thought in a million years it was allergy related. I went to at least three different types of specialists, had an MRI of my brain to rule out tumors, dabbled in spiritualism and attempted to trace psychological causation and was pretty much beyond hope after the symptoms persisted with no apparent rhyme or reason. Then, after abruptly giving up alcohol due to an utter lack of a cause/effect relationship that bore any resemblance to fun and being told by my newfound Eastern medical practitioners that "WE consider food intake to be strongly related to your symptoms" -- they always way WE as if as if to suggest that their Eastern dad could beat up my Western dad -- decided to try Ye Olde Elimination Diet.
I started with sugar. Small amount of improvement, but nothing to write home about. And I really wanted to write home about it because I gave it up The Week Before Christmas, only breaking it for a piece of divine coconut cake from Sugar Sweet Sunshine. I wasn't a total fascist about it. I just avoided things that were "sweet" or that had a huge amount of sugar in the ingredient list. But still, not enough improvement to make me feel I was done.
Last February I gave up gluten. Difficult, yes. But honestly, I didn't miss it after a week or so, but man did I ever experience a "withdrawal." Did it cure the Cronenberg? Uh, no. In fact, the only lasting effect was dropping about five pounds and never feeling bloated ever.
Then I realized I had no choice but to cut out my most favorite-est thing ever. Dairy. Some of you may remember when I thought I was lactose intolerant? Well, it turned out I was just really stressed out, and I resumed my passion as a cheese shark after a few short months. This time, I took the plunge fully expecting this to be the solution I was looking for. My cheesemonger -- yes I have a cheesemonger -- was devastated. I looked at her and literally teared up. "NO CHEESE, Anne, just eggs today. And maybe no milk ever, ever again. I want to die. There is no purpose to anything." And I instantly went looking for a proper cheese/milk substitute, basically increasing my intake of imitation cuisine by about 1000%. I stuffed the shame of my hypocrisy; I reserved a special and loud loathing for un-foods... and I still do. But I had a fridge stocked full of un-foods, and suddenly I was coming down with the first cold I had in years.
But it wasn't a cold. It was... weird.
And then I started itching everywhere. Sneezing. A nebulous rash around my eye popped back up with a vengeance. Cronenberg was busy on The Brood 2: Scarier Than Hairlipped Midgets in Parkas. And I was going totally crazypants. Then about a week and a half into no dairy hell, I was sitting at my computer, eating some homemade tofu ice cream and feeling just god awful when..........
Wait.
My symptoms got worse.
What has changed?
FUCKING SOY. I look at the various webpages describing soy allergies................... pretty much a bingo all the way down the list. Long story short (too late), I give up soy. ALL soy. Including vegetable oil (yah, that's soy too), fermented soy (which isn't supposed to be as bad, but I think it's still producing a reaction), lecithin, and "Natural Flavors." Within 24 hours, I noticed a difference.
So yah. FUCKING SOY. Insidious fucking in absolutely every product on the market soy. So let's say I'm ordering a lot of mediterranean stuff and my sushi is a little less salty than it once was.
Oh... the day after the epiphany I went back to my cheesemonger and had her funnel goat milk down my throat like I was a foie gras goose.
The End.