(no subject)
Yesterday Brendan and i got into a huge fight.
Like, we get into fights constantly, but this particular one broke me down, ripped me to shreads, and then he jumped and danced on my mangled corpse. That is what it felt like.
It started normally - i got home from Shevonne's and made myself a coffee and Brendan a cup of tea and took it down to him. He was already awake so we sat and chatted for a bit and i gently reminded him that we were meant to be shopping for my birthday present today. Not a big deal - he hadnt done anything else to even indicate that i had a birthday this week. So he said "Give me sex first" and i promptly said "no." and he kept insisting and i said "No." and went and watched TV. Anyway the morning went on...i had my breakfast, had a shower and got ready, and he was still in bed. I sat and watched TV a bit more, he eventually plodded up from his bedroom and had some breakfast...by this stage it was 11am and i thought "Its okay, ill be patient, we have plenty of time." so i waited. We chatted a bit more, and he seemed fine, we were actually getting along (!) for a change.
Suddenly he disappeared and i went to look for him and he had gone back to bed!! This is at about midday mind you, and i thought "Fuck we arent going to have time to do anything." So i went and asked him to please get up so we could go, and then he cracked it a little so i said "fine, its okay, ill go on my own and you can just reimburse me later." And i started towards the door. I was pretty upset - i wasnt being retarded, i was genuinelly upset because i wanted him to try and make my birthday special and he wasnt showing one iota of enthusiasm. I started to cry. It was a big enough feat that i was actually TURNING 21. I didnt think i would make it to my 20's quite honestly. I just wanted him to try and be positive for a change so that it didnt make me so depressed. Anyway he called and had a go at me and said he would be out in 10 minutes.
Half an hour later he came out and was shitty. I asked him why he was shitty and he. just. cracked. it. I mean, he tore me to shreads. He called me everything from a fucking dickhead, to irrational, to other things i just cant remember cos i was so shocked. He told me that i dont do ANYTHING for him and that he does everything for me. He insulted me, he wound down his window and people crossing the roads could hear him yell. I felt like my heart was being torn from my chest and stamped on. Noone had insulted me like that before. And then he wondered why i was crying. He told me to stop crying and being such a dickhead. He called me a dickhead alot actually. I told him that he was making me feel like a piece of shit and if i was such a bad person, why doesnt he just dump me? He didnt say anything. He just got out of the car and walked off. So i followed. My confidence has been shot to buggery. I didnt know what else to do EXCEPT follow him. I mean, if he thinks that, and if Darin thought that, then what other guy is going to want me if im such a horrible person? So i went and got money out, walked past brendan, shot him a dirty look, and disappeared in the crowd. Actually i was going upstairs to get food cos i was dizzy as hell. He called me and asked where i was and i said "getting food." in a small voice. He came up and waited for me and when i got my food i stood there eating it, looking at the ground, while he hammered into me again. Quieter this time, we were in the middle of a shopping centre. I began to believe that it WAS my fault, that i was irrational and retarded and yes, a fucking dickhead. I started to believe i was a bad person. I said "sorry." and he said "just admit that it was ur fault and that u were wrong." and i said "i was wrong." while looking at my feet. He said "Ok. Im sorry for yelling. Lets go get ur dress." and gave me a hug and i almost felt like spitting my salad at him, but i didnt. i was broken and confused and unconfident. We couldnt find my dress at Southland so he suggested we go to Chadstone and see what was there, so i said okay, feeling a little excited that i was going to Chadstone. Maybe i could buy myself a present and make myself feel better? So we walked out and i saw the car im getting and i said "soon ill be driving around in one of those!" and he said "yeah and ill be paying for everything cos youre gonna be broke." and then gave me a 20 minute lecture about how i wont beable to afford to get my car, that im incapable of saving money, that im incapable in general, and that i didnt work to save a cent - it was just handed to me in bulk. And i said "i worked for that - i worked for Les for 8 weeks without pay." and he said "doesnt matter, it was given to you in bulk. You didnt work to save it, and that means that u wont beable to afford re-payments." and i just sat there silently, as i was already broken, so i didnt have the energy to argue. I just stared out the window while tears streamed silently down my face. I didnt make a noise. I just cried and cried and cried all the way to Chadstone behind my sunglasses and he didnt even realise.
I wanted to break up with him. I did. He has just broken down my confidence so much that i couldnt even move my limbs without having him control them. He ended up getting me my dress - i paid for some of it (($100)) as it was $300. It was so beautiful. It is the most beautiful dress in the whole world. As soon as i saw it, all my sadness washed away and i just had to try it on, and when i tried it on, i had to have it. It is just gorgeous. I think im going to look like a princess at my party. lol.
But last night i couldnt sleep. I couldnt sleep because i feel guilty and horrible. I even bought him lunch and a thickshake because i felt bad that i was such a bad person but he had spent $200 on me anyway.
Dont call me a stupid bitch. Please. i am begging you. I dont want to be insulted anymore. I just want to feel loved and cared for. Please dont tell me im stupid, or a dickhead, or a bad person. i know i did wrong, and i know i am wrong, and i know that i should have handled it better. Just please dont yell at me until i break up with him, or tell me im stupid until i break up with him. Please. i will do it, i will. I just need the confidence back.
Im sorry i kept everything to myself. I was embarrassed and i didnt want people to ridicule me or reiterate the fact that i am stupid for being with him, as i know this for myself.
:(