(no subject)
how did i ever become to attached to someone who seemed so detatched from everything else in the whole world? why did i become attached to someone who doesnt seem like he can be bothered? why? what is so special about someone who is bound to break your heart sooner or later? Who doesnt do anything except sit there with eyes glued to the glowing box infront of him, who doesnt want to go out, who doesnt want to move, and i just sit there with him and stare blankly and say
"yes brendan. thats okay. whatever you want."
And then i dream of drunken dancing and drinking into oblivion and knocking out the demons in my head with vodka and tequilla and midori, and for that split second i am free. And dancing with randoms who dont want to do anything except grab onto me and feel me up and then i can discard them and never see them again and go and taunt the next one who seems to be watching me from over in the darkness somewhere with the flashing lights piercing him and his dark italian eyes.
Never have i let anyone get too close. never never never. and now i have and i hate am not entirely comforted in it.
because i am 3 hours away and he hasnt contacted me all day, or messaged me last night when i messaged to say i miss him, and i have a funny feeling he is galavanting around with her because i am not there to stop him. I have a funny feeling he stayed or will stay at her house simply because i am not there and because
'she is just a friend, i promise. Just because shes my ex, doesnt mean i still cant talk to her.'
'then why, pray tell, do i feel so uneasy and so obsessed with the fact that you still contact her and dont tell me. WHY WONT YOU TELL HER THAT I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND OF 4 MONTHS? WHY BRENDAN?'
'Because i dont want to hurt her.'
'But its okay to hurt me?'
-silence-
'Just get over it Kate. Im not getting back together with her. i stayed at her house that time, but we didnt sleep together. i didnt even kiss her. we slept in the same bed but we wore clothes the whole time and i didnt even touch her.'
Yeah right. Uh huh. Whatever. And you dont have to be together to hug her, to kiss her, to fuck her do you?
So. Fucking. Confusing. Frustrating. Heart-Breaking.
"yes brendan. thats okay. whatever you want."
And then i dream of drunken dancing and drinking into oblivion and knocking out the demons in my head with vodka and tequilla and midori, and for that split second i am free. And dancing with randoms who dont want to do anything except grab onto me and feel me up and then i can discard them and never see them again and go and taunt the next one who seems to be watching me from over in the darkness somewhere with the flashing lights piercing him and his dark italian eyes.
Never have i let anyone get too close. never never never. and now i have and i hate am not entirely comforted in it.
because i am 3 hours away and he hasnt contacted me all day, or messaged me last night when i messaged to say i miss him, and i have a funny feeling he is galavanting around with her because i am not there to stop him. I have a funny feeling he stayed or will stay at her house simply because i am not there and because
'she is just a friend, i promise. Just because shes my ex, doesnt mean i still cant talk to her.'
'then why, pray tell, do i feel so uneasy and so obsessed with the fact that you still contact her and dont tell me. WHY WONT YOU TELL HER THAT I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND OF 4 MONTHS? WHY BRENDAN?'
'Because i dont want to hurt her.'
'But its okay to hurt me?'
-silence-
'Just get over it Kate. Im not getting back together with her. i stayed at her house that time, but we didnt sleep together. i didnt even kiss her. we slept in the same bed but we wore clothes the whole time and i didnt even touch her.'
Yeah right. Uh huh. Whatever. And you dont have to be together to hug her, to kiss her, to fuck her do you?
So. Fucking. Confusing. Frustrating. Heart-Breaking.