I go away fro 30 years and this is what happens ?
Oh my heart, my heart which hath wronged me !
Dear God I am so sorry ! So very sorry !
All these long years, lying to myself and everyone else. Hiding the pain from myself. God, it hurts so much, I gave it all up to hide inside this self I cobbled together to block it all out. But God I remember who I was now. I finally broke through the chains I bound myself in. Oh God, how did I get here ? Who are these people ? How could I let myself go so far away ? I want my home ! It's gone ! I have no home. I have no family. It's all gone ! Why am I back ? There is nothing left of my life. What am I doing here? How could I do so much bad ? That was never me ! Not even my mask ! Oh God what have I been doing ? How could I let myself live ? I hate this shell ! It's abominible, horrid, loathesome. What the Hell has been going on ? My hair is gone ! I'm fat ! People hate me ! And for good reasons ! Thirty years locked away for one mistake. It wasn't worth it ! I missed my father's death, my mother's death, my 1st kiss, my 1st love, evrything I should have been there for. It's all like a movie in a poor quality theater. It was supposed to be mine ! I should have been there !Good God what have I been doing ? I've been drinking...getting drunk...eating Raw Fish ! Oh My God ! I Ate Raw Fish ! Sex ! I had Sex ! with several people ! How could I not come back for that ! And what the Hell happened to my hair ! And what could have possibly made me think this was a good looking mustasche ? Beard is ok I guess, but I mean come on ! Rattiest looking mustache I ever saw. Good Lord I'm living by myself ! I bought a car ? That car ?!? It's freakin White ! Am I a Pussy now ? Shit, look at all this crap in my head. I play golf ? Tennis? Lookin like this ?!? When did I decide that being a walking joke was a good idea ? God so much crap to sort through...things bubble up to the surface. She was my cousin ! What the Hell was I thinking ! And Shit, they were married ! All three of them ! Did I want to get myself killed ? Shit, Holly Farms is gone, Morrison's is gone, Swiss Colony store is gone,Wolwoth's is gone, Big M is gone, Wiener King is gone, hmm, video games...okay these are good. Cd's hmm, like lil records wierd, Dvd's ? records that play movies ? wierd but cool. Cable has commercials now ?, another bad move. Star Wars had six movies !
Oh man, still can't get over the sex thing.It's like really bad, and good at the same time. I would not have been that way. I can't believe anyone would like that stuff like that. Not enough love. Not my style at all. Yet still, part of me still says, really really cool ! Did I really do that ! Dang ! When did I stop being shy ? What have I done ? So many people. What happened to Paula ? She was like a sister to me ? I seem to remember seeing her at Aunt Lou's funeral, then gone from my mind. Just like that ! What the fuck! And whats this other crap ? I replaced Thad with Rob?!? I mean come on ! And Chad has his own business ! Chad ?!? The world's gone nuts ! Oh shit ! Thad has kids now ! Lots of kids ! Shit everybody has kids now ! What the fuck ? I dont play pool anymore ? Why ? I don't play cards anymore ? What the Hell do I do anymore ? Yard work ? Plants?!? After all those years pullin weeds I actually put plants in the ground on purpose ?!? Peppers ? I hate hot food ! I can't eat beans anymore ? And I didn't slit my wrists ? Oh crap...I actually bought water ? I paid money for water ? It's freakin water ! It comes out of the freakin faucett ! Oh Shit.. I put money into a machine, of my own free will, and paid for air ! I bought air ! Air ! I am actually alive in a world that people buy the same stuff that they breathe for free ! What the Hell is going on ?!?
I have a freakin kitchen full of vegtables, and no cheeses ? Huh ? You mean I live on my own, and all I have in the kitchen is healthy crap ? And I'm still fat ?!? This is a fuckin joke right ? And what's all this bad crap off to one side of my mind ? Did I really make all those mistakes ?
God ! No wonder so many people hate me. Too stubborn to back away from a bad path. God I can't live this life. Too much has happened while I was gone. The shell screwed this up, so the shell can have it ! I'll go back into the dark, and hope that when I die, I won't be judged for what I was no part of.