upset and not liking it
Today might just be one of my worse days. and yes i say might in anticipation for a better half of it. It is yet but almost noon time. I have been one not too good in handling off moments or periods. My immaturity pushes me to act impulsively to my emotionality. The day began with news of possible dissolution of one of my minors. This leads to a possible first in dropping a subject and adding the same with only a different section. The news brought about ill feeling towards its harbringer. The mood seemed to have changed came a chance meeting with a close friend since high school. The care from my ever favorite classmate is heart warming. For a while i thought the day will take a good turn. After having hopes of the news not having to be true i was then pretty hopeful.
Then came the waiting. This i have truly profound hatred for and i say this for the NTH time. I am not the one to keep from myself and submit to any form of waiting or just anything, and yet lately it seems that i have been submitting much to my distaste. I remember the time i had to wait for almost two hours after taking the high school entrance exams. Back then i thought, here i was waiting for my father to come pick me up from this unfamiliar ground that he so kindly left me on. I hated it but i had to, for faith in my father and in love as it has and always will be.
Today i waited and, after some time spent trying to see what can be done for friends and myself, took liberty to satisfy my addiction that has lead me to having ulcers. Much to my displeasure i had to go back in, leave a stick behind and finish half a bottle of cool mountain dew i was already enjoying. But i had no complains feeling a little guilty for the trouble i had caused and given the chance to make up for it. Then again came the hateful highlight. The minutes of waiting that yet had to be done. And yes i got pissed. Pissed enough to speak rudely to a friend and angered enough to protest yet again my hatred. What do i get? Insensitivity that is unthinkable and unforgiving. And th realization must just be mine yet again.
A flaw that has run through me since birth was my sensitivity; in a way my selfishness without ill intention.
Again i'm writing like a mess. My incoherence is disturbing yet reminiscent of my closest to being a shrink and best friend. When i always spoke as i wished and unmindful of being coherent the cousin by affinity seemed to understand. Naive as i was then, today i am deeply thankful. TCBA was like water. Seemed to go with the flow and i never had the hard time save for the transition of not having TCBA around. The friendship seemed to be so natural that its beginning is missing and though there is less contact the ending seems non-existent. I miss my closest to being a shrink and best friend. Back then when we met by the hallways, when we'd have lunch or the favored ice cream trips when i was gloomy, i never thought i'd miss it so much. Perhaps secretly i wished it not ever going to change.
I am upset and maybe some credit is due to what i have done, what i have been through and what i have to go through. so yeah maybe the ulcer is not something unexpected. Sometimes i think its not even completely unwelcome. Sometimes i wish to be ill for the pain is enough to mask away those medicine can't really cure; the sickness of the heart. Unless of course i get a prescription for something like Vicodine(?...no idea about the spelling...and yes no idea what it is for save it being what House takes like mint...ahahaha).
I have written my mess yet again with no repose. This entails my selfishness yet is without ill intention. I write this on impulse and sorry for whatever trouble this is going to bring anyone.
Now i shall wait again. For the chance to sing my heart out cause my eyes seemed to have dried up. My heart feigning turning into a stone
n_n.