Recondiliation with Jeh. Preparing for the journey tomorrow.
I don't have time to give this the treatment it deserves.
I'm absolutely flabberghasted.
Just had a really intimate chat with Jeh. I haven't really had a majorly substantial discussion with him about real issues in a very long time, with the slight exception of the final chat I had with him before I left town.
He has been one of the main and primary sources of inner turmoil for the last six to eight months. None of my other relationships with anyone were really in any trouble. Most every other one was a joy. But the one place I most direly wished to have joy, it couldn't be found for me.
I grieved this the first few days I was here in San Diego. Then one day I suddenly just realized that I needed all those problems in order to really be able to be and do what I'm being and doing now. I needed a context from which to conquer my inner demons. I got that and then some in Jeh.
Still, given some of the angst, you figure it'd be a while before you have a chat like we had today. I was observing myself saying the things I would say, and was astonished by how strong I was as I said them to someone I allowed to dominate me emotionally in many ways. (It hasn't been that way outwardly for a while. He's grown a great deal in those ways. But it was that way inwardly, and I think part of it was I needed to get free of the dynamic long enough to create again my inner reality.)
So we had a chat, and it was clearly a reconciliation in some ways. (Though I'm sure there will be need in the future to revisit issues and squash them. To own the truth of many things, and then embrace it together in our friendship.) And it's happening just before I go to the mountain tomorrow.
I had this feeling a short time ago. I'm going to have a very special experience while on that mountain tomorrow. I feel like I'm going to keep an appointment I made with myself many years ago. I feel like I'm right on time for it, but that what is waiting for me has been anxiously awaiting me. I feel my father is going to be there. I feel he has something to express to me that he's been anxious to express since he died, but that I wasn't ready to hear until now.
I asked Jeh to be very giving of his love to me as I go to the mountain. He said he would. And this time it felt sincere and undivided, as if it was his whole heart's intention.
And I know this is me being sentimental, but it makes me feel like a rich man. I feel wealthy in all the ways that really matter to me. I already had plenty of love to sustain me on my journey. But because of who he has been to me, and because of how I feel about him regardless of where he's at within himself, I feel rich that he chooses to embrace me in his heart in this way, and to sustain and support me as I go through a process he's already seen me go through a few times. But this is the first time I felt his full support; I didn't have that the other times.
I feel I have my mother's full support. I feel like I have my brothers' full support. I feel like my friends all are delighted to know me as I go through this special moment of my development.
Rich. I feel rich.
Thank you, Uni. I don't have the words. Thank you.
Namaste.
I'm absolutely flabberghasted.
Just had a really intimate chat with Jeh. I haven't really had a majorly substantial discussion with him about real issues in a very long time, with the slight exception of the final chat I had with him before I left town.
He has been one of the main and primary sources of inner turmoil for the last six to eight months. None of my other relationships with anyone were really in any trouble. Most every other one was a joy. But the one place I most direly wished to have joy, it couldn't be found for me.
I grieved this the first few days I was here in San Diego. Then one day I suddenly just realized that I needed all those problems in order to really be able to be and do what I'm being and doing now. I needed a context from which to conquer my inner demons. I got that and then some in Jeh.
Still, given some of the angst, you figure it'd be a while before you have a chat like we had today. I was observing myself saying the things I would say, and was astonished by how strong I was as I said them to someone I allowed to dominate me emotionally in many ways. (It hasn't been that way outwardly for a while. He's grown a great deal in those ways. But it was that way inwardly, and I think part of it was I needed to get free of the dynamic long enough to create again my inner reality.)
So we had a chat, and it was clearly a reconciliation in some ways. (Though I'm sure there will be need in the future to revisit issues and squash them. To own the truth of many things, and then embrace it together in our friendship.) And it's happening just before I go to the mountain tomorrow.
I had this feeling a short time ago. I'm going to have a very special experience while on that mountain tomorrow. I feel like I'm going to keep an appointment I made with myself many years ago. I feel like I'm right on time for it, but that what is waiting for me has been anxiously awaiting me. I feel my father is going to be there. I feel he has something to express to me that he's been anxious to express since he died, but that I wasn't ready to hear until now.
I asked Jeh to be very giving of his love to me as I go to the mountain. He said he would. And this time it felt sincere and undivided, as if it was his whole heart's intention.
And I know this is me being sentimental, but it makes me feel like a rich man. I feel wealthy in all the ways that really matter to me. I already had plenty of love to sustain me on my journey. But because of who he has been to me, and because of how I feel about him regardless of where he's at within himself, I feel rich that he chooses to embrace me in his heart in this way, and to sustain and support me as I go through a process he's already seen me go through a few times. But this is the first time I felt his full support; I didn't have that the other times.
I feel I have my mother's full support. I feel like I have my brothers' full support. I feel like my friends all are delighted to know me as I go through this special moment of my development.
Rich. I feel rich.
Thank you, Uni. I don't have the words. Thank you.
Namaste.