Should I go to a psychologist?
Good Sunday!
Here I am, wondering if I should go to a psychologist. Honestly, I don't wanna go, basically because it means spending money and, well, if I could I really like to save my money, so one side of me is thinking "Psychologist?! Thanks, no thanks!". I'm trying to follow that side of me and I thought "Maybe if I put down into words what is going on in my brain, I could receive some good hints". So, yeah, let's try, maybe no one will read this post, but it's ok. Maybe I just need something like the Pensieve and this post is the closer thing I have like a Pensieve.
Ok, basically my problem is that I am 30 and I am single. And no, I don't mean that I am single right now, I've always been: no first kiss (except in the first grade of elementary school but, you know, I was 6 and I don't remember it), nothing. And, since I turned 30 last month, I start to think "What's the problem with me?". I am not beautiful, but I don't think I am extremey ugly either. My personality is a bit complicated, I am shy when it's about guys, and so I have not many chance to meet new people. I don't dress very feminine, I don't understans fashion, I don't wear skirts or dresses, I like trousers, jeans or tracksuit. I am not confortable if other people's attention is on me, so I do nothing to draw attention. I usually don't wear make up, just sometimes, when I remember: the fact is that I tend to rub my eyes and, well, I seldom remember that I have make up on my eyes so I make a mess everytime.
I fell in love with a guy, almost 9 years ago, but let's say this: he didn't love me, but involved me in work stuff, it didn't go well so I disappeared from his life. I never told him that I had feeling for him, I knew that he didn't reciprocate, so yeah, I was hurt, very hurt, and sometimes it seems like it still hurts. Maybe that's why, from that moment, I didn't trust feelings like love: I started thinking that love, romantic love, is not something for me. And it could be cool if I can stay like this, without problems. But. Sometimes I feel lonely, even if I have my best friend with who I can talk anytime about anything, even if I have my family (I currently live with my parents and my brother and my dog), but sometimes I feel lonely. Expecially when I read fanfictions (I love reading fanfics), those love stories, I think "Wow, I wish I could live that kind of feelings" or "What do you feel when someone kisses you?". Maybe I am just curious, maybe once that I can feel it too I would say "Ah, ok, that's not so good like I thought". But I don't know. And this is driving me crazy. Why are there people who can have more than one lover at the same time, and than there's me, who haven't ever got a boyfriend? What's my problem?!
So, lately I think I could talk with a psychologist, but I am not sure: a psychologist surely can't resolve my problem, a psychologist can't find me a boyfriend, right? If the psychologist just tells me "You have no problems, you are good as you are" and pat me on my shoulder, well I don't think I need it, thanks no thanks. Am I the only one in this situation?