who are we to decide?
Today seems to be a little better than yesterday... so far.
It's raining, so my dad decided not to take mom to her appointment. He called the doctor's office, and they understand. They've tentatively rescheduled it for next week. They also are going to schedule an MRI of her brain to see what's going on. There is a unique possibility more tumors have grown, and that is why she's having headaches again, the nauseau, and the loss of some motor skills. The oncologist also thinks it is a good idea for mom to take a break from chemo, to give her body a chance to recover some. Cisplatin is a highly toxic drug, and even though it is one of the drugs used in one of the best chemo regiments, it's beginning to cause other problems. The oncologist has also mentioned putting my mom in hospice care again. (She was in Hospice for about a month or so after she had radiation and before she got chemo because we didn't think she was going to be with us.... but then we went out to San Diego and she got chemotherapy, so she was pulled/taken out of Hospice.) His office is contacting the local Hospice center to get things started. As of yet, we're still waiting for word on the MRI and hospice situation. We've also decided that when the MRI is scheduled, we're going to have to use an Ambulance service to get my mom to the hospital. She has gotten so weak, I highly doubt she would be able to make it through the house and out to the truck to get her to the hospital. We believe that it would be in her best interest to let an ambulance take her.
We've talked to my aunt and my grandmother about all of this. From what I hear, my aunt is ok with what we are doing, but my grandma thinks we should be doing more. I understand her position. This is her daughter we're talking about and what not, and parent never wants to bury (or think of burying) their child and you want to do everything in your power to stop it from happening. But at the same time, my father and I are acting on my mother's wishes. She is ok with taking a break. She is ok with having hospice care [she hates her waterbed right now anyway... and hoping for a hospital bed =)]. And, if she wants, as she told her mother, to just go to sleep and not wake up, who are we to stop her? She wants the pain to end, the suffering to end, the weakness to end, the degredation to end. If this is the only way to end it, why should we prevent it? I know my mom feels bad that she has to rely on my brother and me to help her get up and go to the bathroom, that we have to help pull her up so she can sit up and eat or take her medication. She's tired of it, and she asked me if I was tired of having to do it. I was honest, and said yes. But, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing it. I just wish she would stop fighting sometimes. She thinks she's not, but she's not helping much either.
Everything is one step at a time, one day at a time. All we can do is go along with what she wants and do our best to make her comfortable. We may question if what we are doing is right. But, if my mom wants this, we can't question it. She has the right to do what she feels is best, and all we can do is our best to accomplish that. I was talking to a friend of my mother's last night, and we were talking about when her daughter died. She told me that God gives us all a number and when that number is called, there's nothing we can do. She also told me that she felt a peacefullness when her daughter died, and she felt guilty for feeling that way. That is going to happen, especially if she was suffering. I know the same thing is going to happen when the time comes for my mom. I know that I will feel relief, my dad will, my brother will, and I am almost certain that my family and my mom's friends will feel the same thing. It's not being heartless ... I just know that my mom will no longer be suffering and, for lack of a better phrase, she will be in a better place. A friend asked me if my mom was religious. I said she was more religious than I am, if that says anything. =) But, my mom hasn't started talking about God. Most people who are religious, or believe in God, tend to start talking about God, being with God, going home to God (whatever your choice phrase is) when they are ready to go. My mom is talking about being with her grandparents and family once again. It's about family for her, not God. I don't know if that means anything or not. I just know she wants to be with her grandparents.
It's raining, so my dad decided not to take mom to her appointment. He called the doctor's office, and they understand. They've tentatively rescheduled it for next week. They also are going to schedule an MRI of her brain to see what's going on. There is a unique possibility more tumors have grown, and that is why she's having headaches again, the nauseau, and the loss of some motor skills. The oncologist also thinks it is a good idea for mom to take a break from chemo, to give her body a chance to recover some. Cisplatin is a highly toxic drug, and even though it is one of the drugs used in one of the best chemo regiments, it's beginning to cause other problems. The oncologist has also mentioned putting my mom in hospice care again. (She was in Hospice for about a month or so after she had radiation and before she got chemo because we didn't think she was going to be with us.... but then we went out to San Diego and she got chemotherapy, so she was pulled/taken out of Hospice.) His office is contacting the local Hospice center to get things started. As of yet, we're still waiting for word on the MRI and hospice situation. We've also decided that when the MRI is scheduled, we're going to have to use an Ambulance service to get my mom to the hospital. She has gotten so weak, I highly doubt she would be able to make it through the house and out to the truck to get her to the hospital. We believe that it would be in her best interest to let an ambulance take her.
We've talked to my aunt and my grandmother about all of this. From what I hear, my aunt is ok with what we are doing, but my grandma thinks we should be doing more. I understand her position. This is her daughter we're talking about and what not, and parent never wants to bury (or think of burying) their child and you want to do everything in your power to stop it from happening. But at the same time, my father and I are acting on my mother's wishes. She is ok with taking a break. She is ok with having hospice care [she hates her waterbed right now anyway... and hoping for a hospital bed =)]. And, if she wants, as she told her mother, to just go to sleep and not wake up, who are we to stop her? She wants the pain to end, the suffering to end, the weakness to end, the degredation to end. If this is the only way to end it, why should we prevent it? I know my mom feels bad that she has to rely on my brother and me to help her get up and go to the bathroom, that we have to help pull her up so she can sit up and eat or take her medication. She's tired of it, and she asked me if I was tired of having to do it. I was honest, and said yes. But, that doesn't mean I'm going to stop doing it. I just wish she would stop fighting sometimes. She thinks she's not, but she's not helping much either.
Everything is one step at a time, one day at a time. All we can do is go along with what she wants and do our best to make her comfortable. We may question if what we are doing is right. But, if my mom wants this, we can't question it. She has the right to do what she feels is best, and all we can do is our best to accomplish that. I was talking to a friend of my mother's last night, and we were talking about when her daughter died. She told me that God gives us all a number and when that number is called, there's nothing we can do. She also told me that she felt a peacefullness when her daughter died, and she felt guilty for feeling that way. That is going to happen, especially if she was suffering. I know the same thing is going to happen when the time comes for my mom. I know that I will feel relief, my dad will, my brother will, and I am almost certain that my family and my mom's friends will feel the same thing. It's not being heartless ... I just know that my mom will no longer be suffering and, for lack of a better phrase, she will be in a better place. A friend asked me if my mom was religious. I said she was more religious than I am, if that says anything. =) But, my mom hasn't started talking about God. Most people who are religious, or believe in God, tend to start talking about God, being with God, going home to God (whatever your choice phrase is) when they are ready to go. My mom is talking about being with her grandparents and family once again. It's about family for her, not God. I don't know if that means anything or not. I just know she wants to be with her grandparents.