updated entry
Remember when I posted the entry that apparently pissed off members of my family, and my uncle had responded, telling me so? Well, if anyone's interested, I finally replied to his last comment. It's at the end of the link posted above [duh! =)]. It took me almost a month to reply (his last comments were sent April 6th), partly because I wasn't sure how to reply, and partly because time just got away from me.
I'm just tired of the drama that my mother's illness and eventual death have caused. There is no reason for it. I took on the responsibility of taking care of my mom, something no one else in her family was able to do, and this is the thanks and treatment I get.
I am not going to apologize for what I said, for many reasons:
1) It has been said, and nothing can take it back
2) I should not have to fear expressing my feelings with my family
3) If what I say truly upsets them, why does it take the "asshole" (his word, not mine) of the family to tell me so?
4) If they truly did not like what I was doing - even if it was my mother's desire - why did they not take over themselves?
5) What's the point?
6) None of them have come to me with their problems that pertain to me, so why should I apologize for something that, in my mind, isn't an issue?
I do not want to cut off my family over this. Yet, if they cannot come to me and tell me what they perceive to be wrong with whatever has happened, I feel it may be the only choice I have. It makes me feel so alone. Yes, I have my brother and my father, as well as my dad's side of the family, but it is small in comparison. I grew up surrounded by family, and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. My father has made the decision to cut them off, and he can do that, it isn't his blood family so his only ties to that part of my family are me and my brother.
I have never had a problem with anyone in my family. I may have been upset at something that was done, but after time, the anger went away. This, for some reason feels different. People would probably tell me to be the bigger person, and apologize, but why? Why should I have to apologize for doing what no one else would, for doing as my mother asked, and for being there for her til the end. No one else in her family can say that. That sounds harsh, I know, especially being so far away, but they did their best, and all said their goodbyes. But, I was the one there, giving her medicine, cleaning up after her bouts of nauseau, cleaning up other things (won't go into detail), helping her change her clothes, helping her eat, making her bed, finding the remote when she lost it, just sitting there with her for hours on end, calling Hospice when I thought something was wrong. It was all me. Yes, I had help from some of mom's friends, my brother when he felt like he wanted to help, and my dad when he was able to... but no help, at all from my mom's family (except the $100 my uncle (same one who bitched) gave us to get a maid service or whatever with). My dad's brother and wife flew out here for almost a week, helped clean the house, took my brother and me to see my dad in the hospital, they paid some bills for us so things wouldn't get shut off, and were just there. They didn't need to be there, but they were. They were here more for me, especially with my dad in the hospital with pneumonia. That is what family is for, right? To be there and support each other? So, why is the other half of my family treating me this way?
I contemplated making this an entry available only to my friends-list, and not the general public, but I chose not to do so. I'm not going to hide my feelings. I shouldn't have to. I will apologize if anything I have said hurts or offends anyone in my family or anyone who may read this, but I will not take back what I said. This is my journal, my outlet for expression, pain, anger, happiness, etc., and I will use it as I see fit. Just as the headline says, "My life... my rants ... my choice ... ... if you don't like it ... don't read it..."
I'm just tired of the drama that my mother's illness and eventual death have caused. There is no reason for it. I took on the responsibility of taking care of my mom, something no one else in her family was able to do, and this is the thanks and treatment I get.
I am not going to apologize for what I said, for many reasons:
1) It has been said, and nothing can take it back
2) I should not have to fear expressing my feelings with my family
3) If what I say truly upsets them, why does it take the "asshole" (his word, not mine) of the family to tell me so?
4) If they truly did not like what I was doing - even if it was my mother's desire - why did they not take over themselves?
5) What's the point?
6) None of them have come to me with their problems that pertain to me, so why should I apologize for something that, in my mind, isn't an issue?
I do not want to cut off my family over this. Yet, if they cannot come to me and tell me what they perceive to be wrong with whatever has happened, I feel it may be the only choice I have. It makes me feel so alone. Yes, I have my brother and my father, as well as my dad's side of the family, but it is small in comparison. I grew up surrounded by family, and I don't know what I would do without them in my life. My father has made the decision to cut them off, and he can do that, it isn't his blood family so his only ties to that part of my family are me and my brother.
I have never had a problem with anyone in my family. I may have been upset at something that was done, but after time, the anger went away. This, for some reason feels different. People would probably tell me to be the bigger person, and apologize, but why? Why should I have to apologize for doing what no one else would, for doing as my mother asked, and for being there for her til the end. No one else in her family can say that. That sounds harsh, I know, especially being so far away, but they did their best, and all said their goodbyes. But, I was the one there, giving her medicine, cleaning up after her bouts of nauseau, cleaning up other things (won't go into detail), helping her change her clothes, helping her eat, making her bed, finding the remote when she lost it, just sitting there with her for hours on end, calling Hospice when I thought something was wrong. It was all me. Yes, I had help from some of mom's friends, my brother when he felt like he wanted to help, and my dad when he was able to... but no help, at all from my mom's family (except the $100 my uncle (same one who bitched) gave us to get a maid service or whatever with). My dad's brother and wife flew out here for almost a week, helped clean the house, took my brother and me to see my dad in the hospital, they paid some bills for us so things wouldn't get shut off, and were just there. They didn't need to be there, but they were. They were here more for me, especially with my dad in the hospital with pneumonia. That is what family is for, right? To be there and support each other? So, why is the other half of my family treating me this way?
I contemplated making this an entry available only to my friends-list, and not the general public, but I chose not to do so. I'm not going to hide my feelings. I shouldn't have to. I will apologize if anything I have said hurts or offends anyone in my family or anyone who may read this, but I will not take back what I said. This is my journal, my outlet for expression, pain, anger, happiness, etc., and I will use it as I see fit. Just as the headline says, "My life... my rants ... my choice ... ... if you don't like it ... don't read it..."