where to begin?
It's been three weeks since mom died. I can't believe it has been that long. It seems like just yesterday she was lying in her bed in her room, and we were all sitting there talking to her. I still expect to see her in the hospital bed every time I walk by/in her room. My dad and I have been going through the house, mainly getting rid of the junk that's piled up over the years. We are all packrats, so, there's a lot of stuff. It's not so bad, until I come across mom's stuff. I feel like I'm intruding on her, invading her space, and just being rude when I go through her stuff. Is that normal? I have asked some of her friends to come by and see if there is anything they wanted that was mom's. Two of them came by and took home a trash bag-full of clothes, and there is still tons of clothes all over. I've gone through most of the clothes, and taken what I want, and I don't even have a place to put them. We're gonna have a yard sale to get rid of her clothes and some of the "useful" junk in the house. Just not sure when, yet.
I want my mommy. I feel like a little kid, but it's true. I just don't think it's fair that I had to lose my mom. She was, and still is, loved by sooo many people, and it just doesn't seem right that someone like her had to leave us. There is so much I have left to do in my life that my mom was supposed to be part of. I will never see my mom glow with pride when I graduate college, cry with happiness when I get married, become an ecstatic grandmother who will spoil my children rotten, swell with pride and joy when I start my own business. I know that she will always be with me spiritually, in my heart, and in my memories, but it's not the same. (I guess my dad gets double duty...)
People I have talked to have told me it's a good thing I have this journal... that it's a great outlet for everything I'm dealing with. And, those who know me, know that I am better at expressing myself in writing then by speaking. I have thought, many times, about what to say in my journal. I sit down in front of my computer, get ready to type something, then I blank, or block it all out. I just can't get myself to do it.
You know... before mom died, I was completely against anything having to do with an open casket. But, I have to say that I am glad we chose to have an open casket memorial. It helped with closure ... on some level. Yet... mom looked like she was sleeping. I wanted to say, "Ok, Mom, wake up and let's go home," and that made it very difficult. She didn't look like she had died ... she looked like she was asleep. The entire service, I hardly took my eyes off her. I don't know if I was afraid she would leave, or move, or what, but I just couldn't stop looking at her.
I have never realized it before... but everywhere you look, there is death. Movies, TV, music, books, everything. Before now, I've never really been emotional when it comes to seeing tear-jerkers. But, lately, everything brings me to tears. I watched Ladder 49, and I cried, a few times. Before, I would just get that kinda teary eyed, throat gagging feeling. But, not this time, I cried. I watched an old rerun of Judging Amy, and this kid was told he was gonna die, and he started crying because he didn't want to die, and I cried.
God... I'm watching Finding Neverland, and when Kate Winslet's character died, and her son, Peter, asked why did she have to die, I started crying. He was only 8 or 9 years old when his mother died. I am 25, and I still want to know why. J.M. Barrie told Peter he can always see his mother in Neverland, just by believing. It is just not the same. Every child wants his mother there when he or she needs something, has something to show her, wants to talk to her, you name it, that child wants mom there in the flesh, not in spirit, not in his/her imagination. Like, yesterday, I got a sympathy card from my friend in Okinawa. She bought a Japanese sympathy card, and couldn't get it translated, but it was very pretty (and complicated to open... she had to give me instructions), and I wanted to go down to my parents' bedroom and show mom the card she sent. I almost did, until I realized she's not there anymore. Just when I think I'm doing ok, and I can think about things relating to my mom and not cry, something like this happens.
Death is one of the most final, yet traumatic things one will ever experience. I have experienced it many times in my life ... every couple years, someone in my family dies. When I was 6 years old, my grandfather commited suicide (1986). In 1995, I lost a great-grandmother. In 1997, my grandmother died. In 2002, my other great-grandmother, and my great-aunt died. In 2005, my mom died. I don't remember much when my grandfather died. It was one of the last times my dad cried (before everything with my mom). He told me that it scared me, and that I asked someone why my dad was crying. It's not something I've seen my father do often. I remember my grandfather and grandmother taking me places, and sitting in their car, and being with them... but I don't remember when he died. I was in high school when my great-grandmother died... I remember that because it was during the summer. I remember everyone being extremely emotional. I wasn't so emotional because I didn't know my great-grandmother very well. When my grandma died, I was in Virginia. It was two months after we moved, and we weren't able to go to the funeral. I remember telling my grandma I loved her before we left San Diego, and my dad told me that she said she would never see him again. It was hard on us, being so far away, and not being able to do anything about it. Then, when my other great-grandma died.... that was almost as hard as my mom. I was really close to her. I lived with her for about 5 or 6 months, until she died. I found her. She was such a big part of our family, and it is still hard to not have her at all our "family gatherings." I gave a semi-eulogy/speech at her funeral. I read what I wrote through tears. My little cousin, who was about 8 at the time, cried, and in return, his father, my uncle, cried also. It was shock to have my great-aunt die just three months later of throat cancer. So, while many of us were getting over my great-grandmother's death, we had to deal with that, as well. I remember sitting at their house, and thinking how odd it was to have all the family there, but to not have Aunt Nona and G.G. there. They were all that was missing (besides my mom, dad, and brother who were in VA). And, now my mom. This is going to be the hardest thing I will have to deal with for a long time to come. It is going to be difficult when other family members' time comes, and friends, and all that... but there is nothing like losing your mother. I think the only thing that can come remotely close is losing a father, sibling, or child. Nothing can prepare you for that loss, no matter how much you think you've gotten it together.
Besides going through her clothes, and taking what I want (that fits), I have other things I want to do in remembrance of my mom. I am going to get a tattoo of her favorite flowers with Mom on it. I am putting all of the pictures she has gathered over the years together into a photo album. I want to work on a scrapbook of my mom, from childhood on, that we have pictures of. I also want to do a collage/scrapbook of photos of me and my mom. I just have to get the motivation (and money) to do this. I think it will help me get through this.
I want my mommy. I feel like a little kid, but it's true. I just don't think it's fair that I had to lose my mom. She was, and still is, loved by sooo many people, and it just doesn't seem right that someone like her had to leave us. There is so much I have left to do in my life that my mom was supposed to be part of. I will never see my mom glow with pride when I graduate college, cry with happiness when I get married, become an ecstatic grandmother who will spoil my children rotten, swell with pride and joy when I start my own business. I know that she will always be with me spiritually, in my heart, and in my memories, but it's not the same. (I guess my dad gets double duty...)
People I have talked to have told me it's a good thing I have this journal... that it's a great outlet for everything I'm dealing with. And, those who know me, know that I am better at expressing myself in writing then by speaking. I have thought, many times, about what to say in my journal. I sit down in front of my computer, get ready to type something, then I blank, or block it all out. I just can't get myself to do it.
You know... before mom died, I was completely against anything having to do with an open casket. But, I have to say that I am glad we chose to have an open casket memorial. It helped with closure ... on some level. Yet... mom looked like she was sleeping. I wanted to say, "Ok, Mom, wake up and let's go home," and that made it very difficult. She didn't look like she had died ... she looked like she was asleep. The entire service, I hardly took my eyes off her. I don't know if I was afraid she would leave, or move, or what, but I just couldn't stop looking at her.
I have never realized it before... but everywhere you look, there is death. Movies, TV, music, books, everything. Before now, I've never really been emotional when it comes to seeing tear-jerkers. But, lately, everything brings me to tears. I watched Ladder 49, and I cried, a few times. Before, I would just get that kinda teary eyed, throat gagging feeling. But, not this time, I cried. I watched an old rerun of Judging Amy, and this kid was told he was gonna die, and he started crying because he didn't want to die, and I cried.
God... I'm watching Finding Neverland, and when Kate Winslet's character died, and her son, Peter, asked why did she have to die, I started crying. He was only 8 or 9 years old when his mother died. I am 25, and I still want to know why. J.M. Barrie told Peter he can always see his mother in Neverland, just by believing. It is just not the same. Every child wants his mother there when he or she needs something, has something to show her, wants to talk to her, you name it, that child wants mom there in the flesh, not in spirit, not in his/her imagination. Like, yesterday, I got a sympathy card from my friend in Okinawa. She bought a Japanese sympathy card, and couldn't get it translated, but it was very pretty (and complicated to open... she had to give me instructions), and I wanted to go down to my parents' bedroom and show mom the card she sent. I almost did, until I realized she's not there anymore. Just when I think I'm doing ok, and I can think about things relating to my mom and not cry, something like this happens.
Death is one of the most final, yet traumatic things one will ever experience. I have experienced it many times in my life ... every couple years, someone in my family dies. When I was 6 years old, my grandfather commited suicide (1986). In 1995, I lost a great-grandmother. In 1997, my grandmother died. In 2002, my other great-grandmother, and my great-aunt died. In 2005, my mom died. I don't remember much when my grandfather died. It was one of the last times my dad cried (before everything with my mom). He told me that it scared me, and that I asked someone why my dad was crying. It's not something I've seen my father do often. I remember my grandfather and grandmother taking me places, and sitting in their car, and being with them... but I don't remember when he died. I was in high school when my great-grandmother died... I remember that because it was during the summer. I remember everyone being extremely emotional. I wasn't so emotional because I didn't know my great-grandmother very well. When my grandma died, I was in Virginia. It was two months after we moved, and we weren't able to go to the funeral. I remember telling my grandma I loved her before we left San Diego, and my dad told me that she said she would never see him again. It was hard on us, being so far away, and not being able to do anything about it. Then, when my other great-grandma died.... that was almost as hard as my mom. I was really close to her. I lived with her for about 5 or 6 months, until she died. I found her. She was such a big part of our family, and it is still hard to not have her at all our "family gatherings." I gave a semi-eulogy/speech at her funeral. I read what I wrote through tears. My little cousin, who was about 8 at the time, cried, and in return, his father, my uncle, cried also. It was shock to have my great-aunt die just three months later of throat cancer. So, while many of us were getting over my great-grandmother's death, we had to deal with that, as well. I remember sitting at their house, and thinking how odd it was to have all the family there, but to not have Aunt Nona and G.G. there. They were all that was missing (besides my mom, dad, and brother who were in VA). And, now my mom. This is going to be the hardest thing I will have to deal with for a long time to come. It is going to be difficult when other family members' time comes, and friends, and all that... but there is nothing like losing your mother. I think the only thing that can come remotely close is losing a father, sibling, or child. Nothing can prepare you for that loss, no matter how much you think you've gotten it together.
Besides going through her clothes, and taking what I want (that fits), I have other things I want to do in remembrance of my mom. I am going to get a tattoo of her favorite flowers with Mom on it. I am putting all of the pictures she has gathered over the years together into a photo album. I want to work on a scrapbook of my mom, from childhood on, that we have pictures of. I also want to do a collage/scrapbook of photos of me and my mom. I just have to get the motivation (and money) to do this. I think it will help me get through this.