(no subject)
I haven't posted for a while I guess. I don't really know.
Sometimes things make more sense if you write them down, but sometimes it only makes them more complicated. That doesn't really make sense I guess. I can't say for sure why it does to me, but I can both see things as a map and as a tangled web. It's so confusing.
At the moment though, there's nothing to write. I have joys, and I have concerns, and I have what I have to say. But my map, or my web, isn't anything. It's blank. I guess that's sort of what I've felt for the last week. Blank.
I've achieved my major goal, the one that's really important for my future. I got into college. And I should be ridiculously happy, and I am, but at the same time I've got this feeling like I've accomplished nothing over the past few months. Looking back at it I get to watch myself be irritable, awkward, annoying, everything I HATE about myself that I can't control. It's an accomplishment, something I'm proud of. But I haven't done anything I'm proud of this year.
One goal. One, of all my senior hopes and wishes. And who knows anyway? Maybe it was the wrong one. I've got half a year, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm going, what I want, I don't know anything at all. I'm blank.
Pulvis et umbra sumus. That's my senior quote. We are shadows and dust. Nothing but shadows and dust in the end. Talking to Julia earlier her first reaction was that it's pessimistic, if not morbid. But I disagree. It is what it is, just like we are only what we are. In the end we all fade into shadows, dissolve into dust. What you leave behind, what sort of shadows you cast, is all left to fate, choice, whatever you belive. Carpe diem. Pulvis et umbra sumus. What's the difference anyway? We have to do one to become the other. Pluck the day, don't sieze it, and you become more than only dust, your shadow goes on for as long as you give it.
I'm being awfully metaphorical and philosophical tonight, but I don't know how else to be right now. I think, and I type. I don't know why I'm doing it here, I just am. I don't know anything. Speaking truthfully I really just meant to say 'I got into college! Yay!'. But, and this seems backwards to me at least, I don't have the energy to say nothing.
I'm full of thoughts and at the same time absolutely blank. I wish I did believe in God. I wish I believed in anything concrete, but all I have are my shadows. Shadows of ideas, shadows of thoughts, shadows of dreams I'm too afraid or too incompetant to pursue.
Nothing to do but wait. Wait and see how things turn out. But hey, that's what I do anyway. I sit on the sidelines and watch, and observe, and wait.
But hey, pulvis et umbra sumus. Carpe diem. Maybe someday I'll stop trying to be a shadow. But not yet, I think.
My apologies, ignore my ramble. Sometimes I start to say things I don't mean to say, and sometimes I do say things I don't mean to. Now I'm just saying.
Sometimes things make more sense if you write them down, but sometimes it only makes them more complicated. That doesn't really make sense I guess. I can't say for sure why it does to me, but I can both see things as a map and as a tangled web. It's so confusing.
At the moment though, there's nothing to write. I have joys, and I have concerns, and I have what I have to say. But my map, or my web, isn't anything. It's blank. I guess that's sort of what I've felt for the last week. Blank.
I've achieved my major goal, the one that's really important for my future. I got into college. And I should be ridiculously happy, and I am, but at the same time I've got this feeling like I've accomplished nothing over the past few months. Looking back at it I get to watch myself be irritable, awkward, annoying, everything I HATE about myself that I can't control. It's an accomplishment, something I'm proud of. But I haven't done anything I'm proud of this year.
One goal. One, of all my senior hopes and wishes. And who knows anyway? Maybe it was the wrong one. I've got half a year, and I don't know what to do. I don't know where I'm going, what I want, I don't know anything at all. I'm blank.
Pulvis et umbra sumus. That's my senior quote. We are shadows and dust. Nothing but shadows and dust in the end. Talking to Julia earlier her first reaction was that it's pessimistic, if not morbid. But I disagree. It is what it is, just like we are only what we are. In the end we all fade into shadows, dissolve into dust. What you leave behind, what sort of shadows you cast, is all left to fate, choice, whatever you belive. Carpe diem. Pulvis et umbra sumus. What's the difference anyway? We have to do one to become the other. Pluck the day, don't sieze it, and you become more than only dust, your shadow goes on for as long as you give it.
I'm being awfully metaphorical and philosophical tonight, but I don't know how else to be right now. I think, and I type. I don't know why I'm doing it here, I just am. I don't know anything. Speaking truthfully I really just meant to say 'I got into college! Yay!'. But, and this seems backwards to me at least, I don't have the energy to say nothing.
I'm full of thoughts and at the same time absolutely blank. I wish I did believe in God. I wish I believed in anything concrete, but all I have are my shadows. Shadows of ideas, shadows of thoughts, shadows of dreams I'm too afraid or too incompetant to pursue.
Nothing to do but wait. Wait and see how things turn out. But hey, that's what I do anyway. I sit on the sidelines and watch, and observe, and wait.
But hey, pulvis et umbra sumus. Carpe diem. Maybe someday I'll stop trying to be a shadow. But not yet, I think.
My apologies, ignore my ramble. Sometimes I start to say things I don't mean to say, and sometimes I do say things I don't mean to. Now I'm just saying.