That pic doesn't suck too bad either
Although I don't actually have a copy at home so can't show it to y'all
anyway, lol. But, I had my photo taken at work yesterday.
With everyone on vacation and such for the summer, they combined July
and August and so Kelly and I jointly got named the Associate of the
Month. Which pretty much entails having your photo and a
page-long write-up about you stuck on the wall where everyone can see
it for the month, plus a gift card. No idea how much is on it,
lol. The recognition is nice, though.
It also, however, underscored something rather pointedly for me: I've pretty much reached the limit of what I can do/learn in this position. There are small things still, of course; there always are; but overall, that "award" just illustrates that I've hit the peak there and there's nowhere left to go, at least not while remaining in my same division. (And I would shoot myself before moving into the Customer Service division!) As much as I love the people I work with, especially now that I'm developing real friendships, it made me realise yet again that this is not a longterm solution or position for me.
While we were out on Wed. for the karaoke, I spent a fair amount of time picking Christine's brain about student loans and life and that. She had some really good information and advice. And I drove Jeff home afterwards and had a wee chat about the whole concept of me going back to school. Y'all may have noticed that I haven't really said much about it since I "announced" that I was going to do it. It isn't so much that I'd changed my mind, but I did originally post in the first flush of excitement, almost as a way to put it out there in words so I couldn't take it back, you know? I've since had a few discussions with my mom about it and it's just been something I've been thinking about. Well, actually, it's something I *was* thinking heavily about, and then avoiding thinking about, and now it's fucking September already somehow and I need to REALLY start thinking and doing more than that about it, lol. Anyway, one of the main things I said to Jeff was that I wasn't entirely sure that putting my life on hold to go to school for the next 3 years and then dig myself out of debt for another couple after that was what I really wanted. I mean, by the time that's all done I'll be 38 for chrissakes! And in the back of my mind is the thought that by going back to school, committing to that, I am essentially giving up on another dream, that of being a mom. Plus, I'm whining now about being broke all the time - being a student definitely ain't gonna improve that situation!
But Jeff said something very interesting in even that brief convo, that kind of turned things on their head: did I want to put my life on hold and NOT go back to school now? It's the opposite of how I'd been looking at it. School isn't necessarily life interruptus the way I was thinking; instead it actually is life, in a sense. Or part of the process of living it. It's why I really wanted to talk to someone who knows me fairly well who isn't my mother about the whole thing, because she influences me far too much. Whatever she's saying makes perfect sense while we're talking, and I can't figure out how *I* really feel about it after. Her thing the last time we talked about it was that she thinks I might be using the whole school thing as a way to avoid life. I can't even truly dispute that, because there is something kind of comforting in the notion of being in classes again, but that isn't the point of why I wanted to do this. It's not to hide, but to further my education so I can reach a goal and a place where I don't need to hide. I am honest enough with myself to admit that the social aspect is also appealing. Not that I expect to have a huge amount of time available for socialising then, but I will meet a lot of people, and I'm at a personal stage where I am comfortable doing that now - where I can make friends. Hell, where I could date if I ever meet someone! When I really look at it, it's more about me trying to embrace life than escape it.
I guess the main reason I didn't discount what my mom was saying is that Nicola gave me some contact info about the SLP programme at Dal before she left at the end of July, and I've done nothing with it. Six weeks, and it's still squished in my wallet. I'm not sure why exactly, except for me being afraid, but even then I don't know what it is that I'm afraid of. Other than random cold calls to people who don't know me from Moses, LOL. I freely admit to a ludicrous phobia about that shit. Or possibly the mere fact that this is going to turn my life upside down again, even if it's in a good way and of my own initiative. All of that is hard for me. My job right now is safe...and that's the problem. I know that I personally need a certain amount of safety and stability, but for me to stay in this job longterm would be to deny that I am capable of far more, and to atrophy into just another generic worker drone. Maybe it's totally snobby of me - no, not maybe, it is snobby and arrogant, but I'm better than that. I'm worth more, and I have more to offer than I can give in what's basically a grunt job. So fuck being safe, and fuck being scared. I'm putting y'all on notice that I might need some hand-holding and some ass-kicking in the time to come, and I'm confident and comfortable enough in you as friends to expect to get it. :-)
It also, however, underscored something rather pointedly for me: I've pretty much reached the limit of what I can do/learn in this position. There are small things still, of course; there always are; but overall, that "award" just illustrates that I've hit the peak there and there's nowhere left to go, at least not while remaining in my same division. (And I would shoot myself before moving into the Customer Service division!) As much as I love the people I work with, especially now that I'm developing real friendships, it made me realise yet again that this is not a longterm solution or position for me.
While we were out on Wed. for the karaoke, I spent a fair amount of time picking Christine's brain about student loans and life and that. She had some really good information and advice. And I drove Jeff home afterwards and had a wee chat about the whole concept of me going back to school. Y'all may have noticed that I haven't really said much about it since I "announced" that I was going to do it. It isn't so much that I'd changed my mind, but I did originally post in the first flush of excitement, almost as a way to put it out there in words so I couldn't take it back, you know? I've since had a few discussions with my mom about it and it's just been something I've been thinking about. Well, actually, it's something I *was* thinking heavily about, and then avoiding thinking about, and now it's fucking September already somehow and I need to REALLY start thinking and doing more than that about it, lol. Anyway, one of the main things I said to Jeff was that I wasn't entirely sure that putting my life on hold to go to school for the next 3 years and then dig myself out of debt for another couple after that was what I really wanted. I mean, by the time that's all done I'll be 38 for chrissakes! And in the back of my mind is the thought that by going back to school, committing to that, I am essentially giving up on another dream, that of being a mom. Plus, I'm whining now about being broke all the time - being a student definitely ain't gonna improve that situation!
But Jeff said something very interesting in even that brief convo, that kind of turned things on their head: did I want to put my life on hold and NOT go back to school now? It's the opposite of how I'd been looking at it. School isn't necessarily life interruptus the way I was thinking; instead it actually is life, in a sense. Or part of the process of living it. It's why I really wanted to talk to someone who knows me fairly well who isn't my mother about the whole thing, because she influences me far too much. Whatever she's saying makes perfect sense while we're talking, and I can't figure out how *I* really feel about it after. Her thing the last time we talked about it was that she thinks I might be using the whole school thing as a way to avoid life. I can't even truly dispute that, because there is something kind of comforting in the notion of being in classes again, but that isn't the point of why I wanted to do this. It's not to hide, but to further my education so I can reach a goal and a place where I don't need to hide. I am honest enough with myself to admit that the social aspect is also appealing. Not that I expect to have a huge amount of time available for socialising then, but I will meet a lot of people, and I'm at a personal stage where I am comfortable doing that now - where I can make friends. Hell, where I could date if I ever meet someone! When I really look at it, it's more about me trying to embrace life than escape it.
I guess the main reason I didn't discount what my mom was saying is that Nicola gave me some contact info about the SLP programme at Dal before she left at the end of July, and I've done nothing with it. Six weeks, and it's still squished in my wallet. I'm not sure why exactly, except for me being afraid, but even then I don't know what it is that I'm afraid of. Other than random cold calls to people who don't know me from Moses, LOL. I freely admit to a ludicrous phobia about that shit. Or possibly the mere fact that this is going to turn my life upside down again, even if it's in a good way and of my own initiative. All of that is hard for me. My job right now is safe...and that's the problem. I know that I personally need a certain amount of safety and stability, but for me to stay in this job longterm would be to deny that I am capable of far more, and to atrophy into just another generic worker drone. Maybe it's totally snobby of me - no, not maybe, it is snobby and arrogant, but I'm better than that. I'm worth more, and I have more to offer than I can give in what's basically a grunt job. So fuck being safe, and fuck being scared. I'm putting y'all on notice that I might need some hand-holding and some ass-kicking in the time to come, and I'm confident and comfortable enough in you as friends to expect to get it. :-)