Random thoughts
Strange day. I spent a good chunk of the afternoon in bed - slept so long that the persistent headache has only just faded in the last hour or two. I find that I'm reluctant to begin any real work as I meant for today to be a true day off, but I'm also itchy to get stuff done. Which is sort of an interesting state of affairs as I readily admit to being lazy and prone to ridiculous levels of procrastination. I think that I am both aware that time is slipping by rapidly, and impatient. This amuses me because it's behaviour that I associate with my mother: conception and execution tend to be nearly simultaneous for her. It leads me to think that perhaps the lag between the two that characterises my behaviour most of the time has more to do with the disconnect between wanting to do something, and deciding to do something. Most of y'all should know by now that I'm not exactly the most decisive person. It seems that once I've made the decision, however, I'd like to just get on with it. Guess in some ways I'm an instant gratification kind of girl. :D
matociquala linked to this post by copperwise, and her subsequent post as well, which deal with the anniversary of her escape from an abusive relationship and the nature of the beast, respectively - the latter is, in fact, an excellently clear answer to the ignorant question, "Why didn't you just leave?" Reading them, and the comments, have made me contemplative. Where the difference lies, for me, is that my ex wasn't/isn't evil. There was nothing deliberate or planned in his emotional abuse; indeed, my increasing withdrawal and my lack of contact with friends frustrated him, and he never was able to make the connection between his own behaviour and its repercussions for mine. Nor did I have the heart to tell him that my friends weren't interested in *being* my friends anymore, because of him. It's difficult to fathom the person I was then. I don't know her. I know the depressive side of her, how that became a way to cope and in the process damaged her ability to cope in more constructive ways, because I do and will always deal with the fallout from that. But the beginnings of that I can't remember - I only know the end, which is, ultimately, the most important part anyway. Though my recent whinging about feeling like I'll never be in another relationship is not unrelated, in the sense that I can acknowledge that I have trust and abandonment issues now, combined with knowing that I need to trust. It's not just about whether I can find someone but can I let them in when I do? Or will I even recognise the possibilities in the first place? Can't say. Won't know until I get there. Today, I am prosaic about that. And grateful for the friends I have who get it. ♥
matociquala linked to this post by copperwise, and her subsequent post as well, which deal with the anniversary of her escape from an abusive relationship and the nature of the beast, respectively - the latter is, in fact, an excellently clear answer to the ignorant question, "Why didn't you just leave?" Reading them, and the comments, have made me contemplative. Where the difference lies, for me, is that my ex wasn't/isn't evil. There was nothing deliberate or planned in his emotional abuse; indeed, my increasing withdrawal and my lack of contact with friends frustrated him, and he never was able to make the connection between his own behaviour and its repercussions for mine. Nor did I have the heart to tell him that my friends weren't interested in *being* my friends anymore, because of him. It's difficult to fathom the person I was then. I don't know her. I know the depressive side of her, how that became a way to cope and in the process damaged her ability to cope in more constructive ways, because I do and will always deal with the fallout from that. But the beginnings of that I can't remember - I only know the end, which is, ultimately, the most important part anyway. Though my recent whinging about feeling like I'll never be in another relationship is not unrelated, in the sense that I can acknowledge that I have trust and abandonment issues now, combined with knowing that I need to trust. It's not just about whether I can find someone but can I let them in when I do? Or will I even recognise the possibilities in the first place? Can't say. Won't know until I get there. Today, I am prosaic about that. And grateful for the friends I have who get it. ♥