La famille
I wish it were possible to have a lengthy, serious conversation with my mother that did not involve me crying, I really do. I'm not even always that upset; it's like the tears just queue up and wait for it. *sigh* It was good that we talked in a general sense, but I don't think it ended up clearing my head at all in relation to my current thoughts. Not that it would have anyway - she is not a good sounding board for stuff; too opinionated and her opinion influences me too much. She opines instead of listening. Being able to really talk to my friend was one of the many reasons I was so looking forward to the NYE trip I didn't end up taking, unfortunately.
Look at that: all these words pent up and I can't think of anything else to post. *waves irony flag*
Though I did just have a fairly critical epiphany. I've lamented before that my brain-at-work does not translate over to my brain-in-life in many dimensions, one of the biggest being decisiveness or lack thereof. I literally just now figured out why - and it's a bit of a DUH moment, really: because the decisions I make at work don't matter. I mean yes they do in that it affects whether I'm doing my job well or not (and not just this job, I mean in general), but ultimately, it's a job. If X doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world. However, in my personal life, it might be, or at the very least it has the potential for a far greater impact on me. And I think it is closely tied to taking/not taking ownership of the decision, i.e., choosing to bear the responsibility if I fuck up. I do that easily at work, and I also don't fuck up very often. My personal life tends to be the other way around in both aspects. Correlational perhaps? (Do I hear another, "DUH"?) It would be fair to say that I'm scared to make yet more life-eating mistakes. It would also be fair to say that I feel completely overwhelmed by the process of carrying out these huge, impactful decisions.
Why is it always so fucking hard? And why do I make it a million times harder than it needs to be?
Look at that: all these words pent up and I can't think of anything else to post. *waves irony flag*
Though I did just have a fairly critical epiphany. I've lamented before that my brain-at-work does not translate over to my brain-in-life in many dimensions, one of the biggest being decisiveness or lack thereof. I literally just now figured out why - and it's a bit of a DUH moment, really: because the decisions I make at work don't matter. I mean yes they do in that it affects whether I'm doing my job well or not (and not just this job, I mean in general), but ultimately, it's a job. If X doesn't happen, it's not the end of the world. However, in my personal life, it might be, or at the very least it has the potential for a far greater impact on me. And I think it is closely tied to taking/not taking ownership of the decision, i.e., choosing to bear the responsibility if I fuck up. I do that easily at work, and I also don't fuck up very often. My personal life tends to be the other way around in both aspects. Correlational perhaps? (Do I hear another, "DUH"?) It would be fair to say that I'm scared to make yet more life-eating mistakes. It would also be fair to say that I feel completely overwhelmed by the process of carrying out these huge, impactful decisions.
Why is it always so fucking hard? And why do I make it a million times harder than it needs to be?