Friends are lovely
I went out tonight for, oh, about 3 hours. *laughs* I had completely forgotten that I'd said I might go and I was up stupidly early today, so I napped when I got home from doing my running around and I'd just sat down to check my email when my friend pinged me on MSN and before I could even respond the phone rang and it was her. And then she called 15 minutes past when I said I'd be there (and wasn't, thereby violating the Fifteen Minute Rule) as I was just leaving, and then she made sure I sat beside her and spent half the time with her head on my shoulder, awwwww. This whole not seeing each other every day anymore thing *sucks*. Lol, the friend of a friend who hadn't met me before tonight thought we were sisters. So I'm feeling especially loved right now, between that and some other things with other good friends. ♥
I realised this week that I have some abandonment issues. Which may be a big, "Well DUH," moment for anyone who's known me a while, but I tend to associate that word with parental abandonment in societal terms, and, well, my parents live upstairs so clearly that's not relevant for me! But I hadn't really thought about it in relation to my difficulties with friendships, or that it stems directly from having *been* abandoned by every single friend I had plus my ex-husband. It's like with this LJ: I'm extremely open and trusting - to a point, and there's a certain amount of façade to what's shown to the world, of course, in both cases. But there are only a few people who get past that point and what I realised was that in all honesty, I can't quite figure out what they're doing there. From *their* end; I know how *I* feel about these friends. I just have a lot of trouble accepting and believing that they actually care about me the same way. Or that, y'know, they're still going to feel that way tomorrow or next week. (Despite the fact that I've known some of y'all for five or six years now.) There's always a sense of, "Well, why would you want to invest the time and trouble in a lasting relationship with me?" And that apparently needs to be overcome person by person as someone passes through the gates, so to speak. Lord help me when I start dating again because sure as shit that ain't gonna be exempt from this, either. :-/
I realised this week that I have some abandonment issues. Which may be a big, "Well DUH," moment for anyone who's known me a while, but I tend to associate that word with parental abandonment in societal terms, and, well, my parents live upstairs so clearly that's not relevant for me! But I hadn't really thought about it in relation to my difficulties with friendships, or that it stems directly from having *been* abandoned by every single friend I had plus my ex-husband. It's like with this LJ: I'm extremely open and trusting - to a point, and there's a certain amount of façade to what's shown to the world, of course, in both cases. But there are only a few people who get past that point and what I realised was that in all honesty, I can't quite figure out what they're doing there. From *their* end; I know how *I* feel about these friends. I just have a lot of trouble accepting and believing that they actually care about me the same way. Or that, y'know, they're still going to feel that way tomorrow or next week. (Despite the fact that I've known some of y'all for five or six years now.) There's always a sense of, "Well, why would you want to invest the time and trouble in a lasting relationship with me?" And that apparently needs to be overcome person by person as someone passes through the gates, so to speak. Lord help me when I start dating again because sure as shit that ain't gonna be exempt from this, either. :-/