(no subject)
I call home once a week. I don't have a long distance phone plan so I only call from my laptop. It's for my dad's sake mostly; he said he likes it when I call. I end up feeling depressed after every phone call though. When I talk to my mother I always end up hurting her feelings. This morning when I called the last thing I remembered thinking was that I really hoped that my father wouldn't say "I love you" to me, because I didn't want to have to say it back. It would feel too strange for me. It's not that I don't love my family, it's just that we aren't the type to say things like that to each other. Sometimes my friends say things like that to me and it still feels strange saying to back to them. I think the only time I'm comfortable expressing myself is through indirect means such as this. The problem is that nobody I know really regularly reads any of this and I still haven't made up my mind as to whether I even want the people I know in real life regularly reading this.
I went to a leadership conference on Saturday (as recommended by my co-op boss). I was extremely grateful I got the opportunity to be a part of it. Several of the activities involved walking around and introducing ourselves to each other one on one and talking about ourselves. It was a mix between being one of my worst nightmares and at the same time being something that I really looked forward to. I think I handled myself quite well. I'll be attending leadership workshops throughout the term. In the first workshop I went to I described myself to everyone as being "an introvert masquerading as an extrovert". Whenever I try to act sociable I end up spewing out a lot of verbal diarrhea. You can always tell that someone has no idea what they're doing when they dive head first into it as a distraction strategy. It's not so bad forcing a conversation out of someone when they're right in front of you. The problem arises when you're trying to get a conversation out of someone that's not right in front of you. The other problem is whether you should even bother starting that conversation.
A few friends told me once how they'd go crazy if they had to go the entire day without talking to someone. It's funny, I've often gone many days without talking to anyone and it didn't bother me. I don't feel the need to talk to people all the time. I'm fine just being alone in my room with my own thoughts. But when I do get lonely all I really need is to go somewhere where there are people around me. I don't have to be interacting with them or anything. That's why I like libraries and shopping malls. I don't think I have much to offer people in terms of companionship. I think the only way I'll ever be close to someone is if they stealthily force their company on me because I wouldn't ever make the first move on my own.
I recently found out that a friend of mine from high school is having a birthday party that I didn't get an invite for. I don't think it was deliberate. I think she just genuinely forgot to invite me. I wasn't hurt when I found out because it is very understandable that people are going to forget about me. There are enough people around that do remember me, however. I'll just have focus more of my efforts towards them.
I went to a leadership conference on Saturday (as recommended by my co-op boss). I was extremely grateful I got the opportunity to be a part of it. Several of the activities involved walking around and introducing ourselves to each other one on one and talking about ourselves. It was a mix between being one of my worst nightmares and at the same time being something that I really looked forward to. I think I handled myself quite well. I'll be attending leadership workshops throughout the term. In the first workshop I went to I described myself to everyone as being "an introvert masquerading as an extrovert". Whenever I try to act sociable I end up spewing out a lot of verbal diarrhea. You can always tell that someone has no idea what they're doing when they dive head first into it as a distraction strategy. It's not so bad forcing a conversation out of someone when they're right in front of you. The problem arises when you're trying to get a conversation out of someone that's not right in front of you. The other problem is whether you should even bother starting that conversation.
A few friends told me once how they'd go crazy if they had to go the entire day without talking to someone. It's funny, I've often gone many days without talking to anyone and it didn't bother me. I don't feel the need to talk to people all the time. I'm fine just being alone in my room with my own thoughts. But when I do get lonely all I really need is to go somewhere where there are people around me. I don't have to be interacting with them or anything. That's why I like libraries and shopping malls. I don't think I have much to offer people in terms of companionship. I think the only way I'll ever be close to someone is if they stealthily force their company on me because I wouldn't ever make the first move on my own.
I recently found out that a friend of mine from high school is having a birthday party that I didn't get an invite for. I don't think it was deliberate. I think she just genuinely forgot to invite me. I wasn't hurt when I found out because it is very understandable that people are going to forget about me. There are enough people around that do remember me, however. I'll just have focus more of my efforts towards them.