Here I Stand

[tastofchocolate]

Wassup all,just dropping in to wipe the dust off this thing here its been a while I know.it's 4:46 am as I start to write this,I guess I need to write it down so when I start to forget how blessed I really am I can wake up and realize how different it could be.it started july 17th 2008 my sons 8th birthday a thursday so me being the over the top mom I do birthdays real big.so thursday was dave and busters with a group of kids and back up parents lol He had a blast,I thank god for him I literally live to see those smiles my child gives me when he'ss so happy words aren't enough.friday is movie day now those who know me know when I hits ba.y pla.z.a. Movie theatre I'm no joke I'm a movie hopper see,so we see about 4 or 5 movies and I start getting pains in my stomach.we cut it early and leave about 8 or 9 I get home and the pain is no better by 2 or 3 am this shit is no joke,im literally wide awake rolling around crying,my S.O. Is being an asshole because he thinks im exagerrating and by 7 am after sending him to the pharmacy because I thought what I was having was severe gass pain I take like 4 tums and 4 sleeping pills and NOTHING..... I mean I didn't so much as yawn about 1pm saturday afternoon I was seeing double and couldn't walk without feeling faint and woozy so as my S.O was going to work I decided to call 911 because my thoughts was I didn't want my son to find his mother passed out.I end up going to monte after calling my sister to meet me there to take my son they rush me through triage and now im in the back screaming and passing out I have no idea what time it is just begging for someone to make the pain stop and next thing I know mommy is here.I know my sis called her and it seemed like 20 minutes had passed and she was there then I was out again I remember voices of various doctors after many attempts them hooking me up to 2 ivs 1 in my arm and 1 in my neck,severe dehydration set in and they put a catheter in me then im out again,the dr wakes me up my heart rate is in the 200's not good they yell that they are gonna put me under to hit me with the paddles they put gel like things on my chest I guess so the electricity wouldn't burn I hear crying 1 of my sisters is not taking this good see we haven't been speaking for more than a year and you know what they say about those who cry the hardest with dramatics,anyway they want to try a last ditch effort in slowing down my heart,I feel and taste the medicine as it flows through my I.v my body gets very hot and I'm out again.I get x-rayd and I have intestinal blockage and its not good.emergency surgery and before I know it im in the o.r waiting on a dr.I was so relieved to hear DR V was doing it she is the coworker of my original surgeon a few years back,I know and trust her that eases me a lot my aunts are here now my mom and aunts form a circle around my bed and pray me into the white room.they put me on the what I call jesus table because you lay on a table with arm attachments and its like laying on a cross,amazing what goes through your mind when possible death is near.more I.v meds and some nasty drink I already know is gonna make me vomit and I think to myself I have nothing left wet in me but blood but my body responds differently,and out it comes and out I go I wake up a few days later medical induced coma I hear 6 to 8 weeks recovery her heart rate still worries us she's gonna need therapy to walk then im out again feeling no pain I occasionally see people family, friends I feel loved and something else,I can't talk to many tubes,why is everyone crying still,please don't look at me like that im fine now,I'm here then im out again.I awake its late my S.O is crying by my bed my aunt is comforting him,im out again then its morning people yelling family friends everyone my mother is talking about police she doesn't need this she need to get better,I have no idea what's going on I go under again.when I awake again I try to talk drs come talk but that's why mommys here my dad is on the phone flight plans he's crying next thing I know mom says your dad is driving daddys here he does love me.I awake im so dry I want ice but the tube down my throat is in the way.heartrate still crazy im more coherrent I now feel like im a sideshow though lol. Tube gets removed but the 1 down mmy right nostril has to stay and everytime I try to talk mom says hush don't try to talk,she looks so tired I want to say thank you mommy here I am almost 30 and when things go wrong I still never get quite right without her by my side.daddy is here now more than my whole life he rubs my feet holds my hand till I fall asleep says he loves me and I think all I had to do was almost die for my father but I'll take it.my heart rate is improving the nurses in I.c.u are amazing I mean the rare time when no one was there in my room they held my hand prayed over me and even sang to me,writing this brings tears to my eyes whenever I hear of bad things and people I think of those nurses who went above and beyond my angels I'm constantly surrounded by them.I was told I had the most people in my room than they had ever seen or ever allowed they couldn't bring themselves to ask people who loved me so much to leave.when im free moving meaning my arms and neck I look down @ my tummy dio mios I have a zipper going down the middle of my gut it literally lookd like a zipper due to the staples.I see a new face im getting new treatment the man straps my face in and I feel a rush of wind appearantly the force of the air tht flowed through had me feeling like I was in a wind tunnel but it helped it works by changing my breathing which in turn changes the heart rate that was amazing I tell you.the man who administered it and my mom was talking and he speaks of his faith and leaves me with a word he also says god is not fear I'm gonna be fine,see what I said about my angels?might I also add the painkillers I was on in that I.v. Was pumping I heard my mom saying when she pulls through this I'm taking my baby on a cruise and from then on I thought I was on a beach I swear to you my bed and all it was real trippy.a few days more go on and I see the worst thing a person who hasn't walked in a while could see,a physical therapist,hey I didn't know my bed did this,wait why are you doing this to me?I can't walk please don't make me,mom say something! You can do it baby come on!I honestly wasn't looking for those words but she know I'd do anything to see her smile.look doc im walking! Oops ok now im sitting but I did walk and im getting better can I have juice now? No ice chips all around I guess and now its time to leave the I.c.u and go to step down. Oh man reality smack I.c.u was deluxe condo in the sky and stepdown was the straight up p.j's lmao black and white I tell you I still couldn't wash myself or piss and shit on a toilet but I was getting there.I literrally had a family reunion at monte downsouth folk included I never knew that many grown men to cry they love me huh? So as im still recovering its not easy out the hospital I checked into moms house in jersey for a month im finally in my house with my son wh I didn't see I didn't want him to see his mom like that,I did let him visit me when I changed floors but that was because he was leaving with my sis to albany for a getaway I smiled though the pain as he climbed in my bed and hugged me and held my hand he even thought my zipper was cool and said I was a transformer now when he left it broke my heart we both cried it hurts to still think of me not being here for him he is my reason.when he came out to jersey he literally slept with his face on my face holding my hand he suffered from severe seperation anxiety he wouldn't let me out his site.he now constantly asks me if im ok and when I sleep I feel his kisses and when he rubs my cheek,that's my baby ya'll. So im home prayed up skinny as hell I have good and bad days sometimes horrible days but I'm here so I try not to complain but god know my thoughts and my heart.when the docs opened me up they removed 150 centimeters of dead bowels or intestine there is no pain like having your insides taken out I promise.I can never drink again I was told which is right up my moms alley I am an alchoholic I can say that its gonna be hard but I love living more than quesicles(my fav drink) I was on percocets now im down to vicodin and I've tapered off to 1 of those as needed so im getting there.I have to take this fall semester off but come jan im going back I enrolled in school like I said I was yall my gpa from spring 08 is 3.4something *smile* that damn math class lmao but all that means is my 4.0 is around the corner im on bed rest supremely no stress allowed im staying away from negativaty all together negative people and thoughs do take a toll on you whether you realize it or not.well I'll end here. guys life is great when you think of the alternative, god changes things and through him EVERYTHING is possible he healed me I am a walking testament to that prayer changes things so remember when you feeling sad,mad,pissed,hurt,happy,estatic,glorious pray ya'll and I mean P.U.S.H.
Pray
Until
Something
Happens

I love you all and you all know how to reach me
~ssc~
Never take someone for granted
Hold every person close to your heart
Because you might wake up one day
And realize that you've lost a diamond
While you were too busy collecting stones