today
was kind of difficult.
i woke up with cold sores--two, instead of the normally frustrating one on the upper lip. they kind of hurt right now; i was biting on them during rehearsal tonight. i got placed in the honors section of my music theory class! i was nervous about this. thank goodness; now the work begins.
i just finished listening to a string quartet by Debussy that is quite truly beautiful. i got back to my room from rehearsal, sat on my bed, took some deep breaths and just listened to the music; imagined my butt on the bed and the bed on the floor and the floor attached to the building attached to the earth and my brain felt all the dirt and still does actually right now as my feet are on the floor and my fingers touch the keys. i can feel ohio. is that odd? i can feel ohio through my feet. it feels...green. wet. dark. cold. very big but pretty close. ohio.
my family lives there. in ohio...my grandma is sleeping right now in the nursing home; cleaveland indians blanket on the chair, bird feeder beyond the window. lots of seeds on the ground outside her window. her eyes are so old; or rather, i should say, are her eyelids--she had to have surgery done to lift them from obstructing her eyes.
i talked to my mother today; before i sat down to read macintyre. i called my father first, he told me to take one pill in the morning and one at night for my mouth, and i heard my mom yell something to me in the background. she took the phone and i talked to her for a while. she said that nick would understand. she said i should call up tommy gartz and tell him i would do something violent with his balls. i told her about philosophy and she said that those guys are all long-winded; 'like to hear themselves talk.'
my dad took the phone then and said some things about life. said that college is a time when you start to learn things about life, not necessarily inside the classroom, he said. i said i know. i told him about macintyre and he told me that these classes were teaching me about how to think on my own.
my dad sees the big picture. he's a good father; a really good one.
i love my mother a lot. i feel closer to her. i miss her and i miss her mother through her. i want to get her to columbus, then ashtabula. with a tin of cookies and new slippers. i want her to cut my grandma's toenails. i want her to be walking in ohio while im walking in baton rouge and really we're walking in the same place. i want that for her.
i want nothing. just to breathe. and to feel what the world feels like today. to imagine myself in florida or colorado or somewhere north while i wait for my tea to cool down enough to drink outside of nick's car in the early morning. i want to feel the cold and to be it; look at trees and become them; i want to look at the people i've known all my life and scrape off the impressions i've made of them. i want to just see them. the hair on their arms and the bump on their nose and the weird way their ears connect with their heads and how their head goes funny when they're laughing at something really hard and how their eyes look when they're lying and see all this and absorb it with my eyes and understand them in a way that is complete.
i suppose i want some things. but they are all things i already have.
i am ohio and it's cold.
i woke up with cold sores--two, instead of the normally frustrating one on the upper lip. they kind of hurt right now; i was biting on them during rehearsal tonight. i got placed in the honors section of my music theory class! i was nervous about this. thank goodness; now the work begins.
i just finished listening to a string quartet by Debussy that is quite truly beautiful. i got back to my room from rehearsal, sat on my bed, took some deep breaths and just listened to the music; imagined my butt on the bed and the bed on the floor and the floor attached to the building attached to the earth and my brain felt all the dirt and still does actually right now as my feet are on the floor and my fingers touch the keys. i can feel ohio. is that odd? i can feel ohio through my feet. it feels...green. wet. dark. cold. very big but pretty close. ohio.
my family lives there. in ohio...my grandma is sleeping right now in the nursing home; cleaveland indians blanket on the chair, bird feeder beyond the window. lots of seeds on the ground outside her window. her eyes are so old; or rather, i should say, are her eyelids--she had to have surgery done to lift them from obstructing her eyes.
i talked to my mother today; before i sat down to read macintyre. i called my father first, he told me to take one pill in the morning and one at night for my mouth, and i heard my mom yell something to me in the background. she took the phone and i talked to her for a while. she said that nick would understand. she said i should call up tommy gartz and tell him i would do something violent with his balls. i told her about philosophy and she said that those guys are all long-winded; 'like to hear themselves talk.'
my dad took the phone then and said some things about life. said that college is a time when you start to learn things about life, not necessarily inside the classroom, he said. i said i know. i told him about macintyre and he told me that these classes were teaching me about how to think on my own.
my dad sees the big picture. he's a good father; a really good one.
i love my mother a lot. i feel closer to her. i miss her and i miss her mother through her. i want to get her to columbus, then ashtabula. with a tin of cookies and new slippers. i want her to cut my grandma's toenails. i want her to be walking in ohio while im walking in baton rouge and really we're walking in the same place. i want that for her.
i want nothing. just to breathe. and to feel what the world feels like today. to imagine myself in florida or colorado or somewhere north while i wait for my tea to cool down enough to drink outside of nick's car in the early morning. i want to feel the cold and to be it; look at trees and become them; i want to look at the people i've known all my life and scrape off the impressions i've made of them. i want to just see them. the hair on their arms and the bump on their nose and the weird way their ears connect with their heads and how their head goes funny when they're laughing at something really hard and how their eyes look when they're lying and see all this and absorb it with my eyes and understand them in a way that is complete.
i suppose i want some things. but they are all things i already have.
i am ohio and it's cold.