my first mistake was to smile at you .

[tasteoftears]

i think it would be easier if i just didn't associate w/ guys. because no matter what, you'll always get attatched. grrr. and no matter what. they'll always hurt you. me and anthony have been fighting like it's our job. i HATE it. how can i love someone and hate someone sooo much at the same time? i want everything done my way? bullshit!!!! that couldn't be anymore backwards. everything is done on his time...his way....on his terms. i keep giving him the best of me...and it's NEVER enough. i can't do this anymore. i'm physically and emotionally exhausted. how much longer can i keep promising myself...and lying that he'll come around. if he doesn't now..he never will...it will only get worse. i need an out. at least for now. he needs his time to figure out some stuff. i do so much for him...and i ask for so little. "love me...that's all that i ask." and that's too much?!?!? you can't love something that WONT love you in return. lauren was the highlight to my valentine's day. she got me a dozen roses, teddy bear, and an awesome card...and from anthony...NOTHING!!!! not even a fucking phone call..and he left the card i got him at my apt. ouch. major ouch. and he just says sorry. those words are the only thing that find the way to my ears. and he was so low. he didn't tell me he loved me on VALENTINE'S DAY!!! not so bad. i can deal with that. but when he broke a promise to me the day before...and apologized for something that he had complete control over and still did anyway....he dropped the L bomb. NOT COOL!!! he did it to make me not mad at him. and that's LOW!!!!! not right. you dont tell someone you love them so they wont be pissed at you. worst thing about it is...it worked...and i let it work. and he had the nerve to get pissed at lauren because she got me a valentine's day present and he didn't. so he felt bad for being a shitty valentine. i dont know what he wants from me...he wont tell me. and i can't read his mind. so i guess i'll just die not knowing. i'm done going out of my way to figure him out when he can't be bothered to fucking call me on valentine's day. but heaven forbid i'm not there to answer my phone ...oh shit son. leave me and my best friend mean voicemails...sorry if i dont have the phone up my ass to feel it vibrate or hear it ring. it's not like i sit at home waiting for the phone to ring. why do i keep breaking my own heart by your hands? everyone around me can see it..why can't i? where are we going? at this rate...NOWHERE...and you want me to go w/ you to stlmo. i dont see that happening. you dont want me. you just want me to be there for you. i dont want to live my life in your shadow. i could love you. but you wont let me. and i cant force you to love me. i can't force you to do anything. i can't even force myself to let you go. and i dont know why.

fucking finish me off!!!

So you face yesterday
Thinking on the days of old
And the price that we paid
For a love we couldn't hold

I let you slip away
There was nothing I could do
That was so long ago, yeah
Still I often think of you

I fall down, I get up
And I've always had to fight
Everything that was wrong
For the things that were right

It's so hard to find your way
When the lies come around
Still it happens everyday
So don't let it get you down

Just a time within a time
Just a scheme within a scheme
A little world within a world
Yes, a dream, just a dream

Now I finally found my way
Now I know just what to do
Once you said goodbye to me, yeah
Now I say goodbye to you

Now I best be on my way
Before the night turns blue
Once you said goodbye to me, yeah
And now I say goodbye to you
Once you said goodbye to me, yeah
Now I say goodbye to you