Things Tasteslikechicken Must Never Do Again
Skippy had a lot of things he was no longer allowed to do in the Army.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/Book/Things%20Skippy%20Can%20No%20Longer%20Do%20in%20the%20Army.htm
Here is my list:
I am not allowed to make fun of drunk, bloated visiting Senators from Massachusetts.
I am not allowed to get three of my friends together to pick up and carry Sgt. Corbin's car to the no parking zone.
I am not allowed to lead an entire platoon of M-3 Bradleys through the 50 meter zone of the IDG at 30 mph on a dirt track on a slope that descends into East Germany even if the LT said to.
I am never allowed to make the morning coffee for the NCOs ever again. Ever.
I am not allowed to play my record of the Red Army Choir singing "Internationale" at full blast in the barracks.
"Know thy enemy" is not an excuse.
I can no longer stage mock murders on the East German Border for the border guards to see.
I must never allow Sgt. Corbin to drive my jeep.
I must never let on that when we called Sgt. Corbin "the Duke", we were making fun of him, not comparing him to John Wayne.
I must never again attempt to steal an East German border marker at night.
If I do try to steal a East German border marker at night, I must not set off a trip flare.
If I do set off a trip flare, I must not be wearing my top secret night vision goggles for my capture.
Never, ever try to get 90mm antitank rounds out of their cardboard tubes by banging on them with an entrenching tool.
If I witness moronic German Army conscripts doing this, I must run like hell like everyone else did.
During an unscheduled alert, when we arrive at the Ammo Point, and get the order to start loading up everything, do not ask the LT "Is this the big one?"
Do not drive closer to the tree line just so Sgt. Pee can get hit in the head with low hanging branches, even if he did say "stay close to the treeline".
Never, ever try to pet one of the German Customs Police guard dogs.
Never, ever suggest to Sgt. Corbin that he pet one of the German Customs Police guards dogs.
Don't dare one of the BGS to cross the border and bang on one of the fences with AP mines.
I will never again help my painfully thin friend make a "Body by Auschwitz" muscle shirt.
I will never again watch "Repo Man" six times in a row while drinking.
I must never taste my sample at a drug urinalysis and say "yeah, I'm clean".
I must not claim that "that ribbon is for shooting down a Russian helicopter with a single round from my .45"
I am never again to allow a former NAZI to play with my machine gun.
Even if it was only blanks.
I am not allowed to drive my Bradley at 25 mph through a 1200 year old historic arch with 3 inches clearance while the TC is screaming "STOP!".
"But I didn't even scratch it" is not an excuse.
I am not allowed to push a foam earplug so far in my ear it needs instruments to remove.
I will never again stand next to an M-1 Abrams when it fires its main gun.
I must not rap the knuckles of Green party protesters hanging on the base fence with the butt of my rifle. While anyone is looking, that is.
It is unkind of me to point and laugh at them when they fail miserably at making a human chain around the base.
Funny nose glasses are not uniform items of wear, especially on the observation tower at OP Alpha.
Hidden pentagrams are not acceptable barracks decoration. Especially if your roomate is "born again".
Never, ever dance with a drunk German Army Sgt. Major who bears a remarkable resemblance to Sgt. Schultz.
Never ask a tank commander of the British Army of the Rhine if his tank can make tea. It can.
I must be culturally sensitive when with my NATO allies. It is only permissible to make fun of the French.
Ice cream and whiskey do not mix.
The Talking Head's song "Psycho Killer" is not an official marching cadence of the U.S. Army.
I must always check to see if my TC is downwind before pissing off the side of my track.
This does not apply if Sgt. Corbin is my TC.
Never use night vision googles to sneak up and scare the hell out of an armed man.
I will not phone in a "body count" based on the number of flies I killed in the guard shack.
I am not allowed to tell people that our war plan is "fight until we start to lose, the blow up the world".
I am not allowed to relay war atrocity stories I heard on "Radio Moscow".
The protective mask chemical warfare test is smarter than I am. I will never attempt to outsmart it. A lung full of CS is no fun.
I will not skip in front of the First Sargent.
I will not try to convince someone that a commercial flight in the Berlin air corridor is actually a UFO.
I will not try to convince Sgt. Corbin that a low flying Mirage jet that scared the hell out of everyone was actually a MIG on an attack run.
I will never again actually attempt to literally kiss my ass goodbye during a nuclear drill.
I am not allowed to attempt to inflict real casualties when playing a mock casualty for the medics by playing dead and then screaming so loud when they barely touch me they fall off their vehicle.
I will not push the driver of a fuel tanker off his truck for smoking while fueling my vehicle.
Who am I kidding, of course I will.
I am not allowed to shout "yeehaw" into the intercom/radio while driving cross country.
I am not allowed to do "bootlegger turns" in my Bradley.
If I am ever again allowed to cross train as an M-1 Abram driver, I'm not allowed to turn donuts on the driving range.
Deer are not legitimate targets for the 25mm chain gun.
http://www.allowe.com/Humor/Book/Things%20Skippy%20Can%20No%20Longer%20Do%20in%20the%20Army.htm
Here is my list:
I am not allowed to make fun of drunk, bloated visiting Senators from Massachusetts.
I am not allowed to get three of my friends together to pick up and carry Sgt. Corbin's car to the no parking zone.
I am not allowed to lead an entire platoon of M-3 Bradleys through the 50 meter zone of the IDG at 30 mph on a dirt track on a slope that descends into East Germany even if the LT said to.
I am never allowed to make the morning coffee for the NCOs ever again. Ever.
I am not allowed to play my record of the Red Army Choir singing "Internationale" at full blast in the barracks.
"Know thy enemy" is not an excuse.
I can no longer stage mock murders on the East German Border for the border guards to see.
I must never allow Sgt. Corbin to drive my jeep.
I must never let on that when we called Sgt. Corbin "the Duke", we were making fun of him, not comparing him to John Wayne.
I must never again attempt to steal an East German border marker at night.
If I do try to steal a East German border marker at night, I must not set off a trip flare.
If I do set off a trip flare, I must not be wearing my top secret night vision goggles for my capture.
Never, ever try to get 90mm antitank rounds out of their cardboard tubes by banging on them with an entrenching tool.
If I witness moronic German Army conscripts doing this, I must run like hell like everyone else did.
During an unscheduled alert, when we arrive at the Ammo Point, and get the order to start loading up everything, do not ask the LT "Is this the big one?"
Do not drive closer to the tree line just so Sgt. Pee can get hit in the head with low hanging branches, even if he did say "stay close to the treeline".
Never, ever try to pet one of the German Customs Police guard dogs.
Never, ever suggest to Sgt. Corbin that he pet one of the German Customs Police guards dogs.
Don't dare one of the BGS to cross the border and bang on one of the fences with AP mines.
I will never again help my painfully thin friend make a "Body by Auschwitz" muscle shirt.
I will never again watch "Repo Man" six times in a row while drinking.
I must never taste my sample at a drug urinalysis and say "yeah, I'm clean".
I must not claim that "that ribbon is for shooting down a Russian helicopter with a single round from my .45"
I am never again to allow a former NAZI to play with my machine gun.
Even if it was only blanks.
I am not allowed to drive my Bradley at 25 mph through a 1200 year old historic arch with 3 inches clearance while the TC is screaming "STOP!".
"But I didn't even scratch it" is not an excuse.
I am not allowed to push a foam earplug so far in my ear it needs instruments to remove.
I will never again stand next to an M-1 Abrams when it fires its main gun.
I must not rap the knuckles of Green party protesters hanging on the base fence with the butt of my rifle. While anyone is looking, that is.
It is unkind of me to point and laugh at them when they fail miserably at making a human chain around the base.
Funny nose glasses are not uniform items of wear, especially on the observation tower at OP Alpha.
Hidden pentagrams are not acceptable barracks decoration. Especially if your roomate is "born again".
Never, ever dance with a drunk German Army Sgt. Major who bears a remarkable resemblance to Sgt. Schultz.
Never ask a tank commander of the British Army of the Rhine if his tank can make tea. It can.
I must be culturally sensitive when with my NATO allies. It is only permissible to make fun of the French.
Ice cream and whiskey do not mix.
The Talking Head's song "Psycho Killer" is not an official marching cadence of the U.S. Army.
I must always check to see if my TC is downwind before pissing off the side of my track.
This does not apply if Sgt. Corbin is my TC.
Never use night vision googles to sneak up and scare the hell out of an armed man.
I will not phone in a "body count" based on the number of flies I killed in the guard shack.
I am not allowed to tell people that our war plan is "fight until we start to lose, the blow up the world".
I am not allowed to relay war atrocity stories I heard on "Radio Moscow".
The protective mask chemical warfare test is smarter than I am. I will never attempt to outsmart it. A lung full of CS is no fun.
I will not skip in front of the First Sargent.
I will not try to convince someone that a commercial flight in the Berlin air corridor is actually a UFO.
I will not try to convince Sgt. Corbin that a low flying Mirage jet that scared the hell out of everyone was actually a MIG on an attack run.
I will never again actually attempt to literally kiss my ass goodbye during a nuclear drill.
I am not allowed to attempt to inflict real casualties when playing a mock casualty for the medics by playing dead and then screaming so loud when they barely touch me they fall off their vehicle.
I will not push the driver of a fuel tanker off his truck for smoking while fueling my vehicle.
Who am I kidding, of course I will.
I am not allowed to shout "yeehaw" into the intercom/radio while driving cross country.
I am not allowed to do "bootlegger turns" in my Bradley.
If I am ever again allowed to cross train as an M-1 Abram driver, I'm not allowed to turn donuts on the driving range.
Deer are not legitimate targets for the 25mm chain gun.