(no subject)
i got my zombie tattoo shaded/colored in some for about 2 hours on wednesday, not even half done, i have so much more to go but it looks sooooo fucking amazing so far, mike is so talented. he said he even surprised himself.
stuff's been kind of up and down lately. little things have been setting me off and i hate being like that. i know emotions get in the way of rational thinking, but i've had a hard time pushing them back lately. i don't know how to read them, and they make me upset, so i tell myself they're irrational and bad for me, but i don't know whether they all are or not. i guess its bad for me right now. i fucked up the timing. maybe i was too open at the beginning. i thought it was the best thing to do because i didn't think it would even be an issue of me wanting to be with him, and being open would prevent him from finding out things later on that could hurt him. all i told him all the time was that i didn't wanna be in a relationship anytime soon, i couldn't see myself doing that, it was such a far off thought to me. i didn't want him falling for me and getting hurt. but i still wanted him. not that i needed him to myself, not that i wanted a relationship, but i always wanted him to be a big part in my life. we've been like best friends since day 1. there was never an awkward getting-to-know-you time, from the first time we talked it was always like we've known each other for years. even now, we've only known each other for around 4 or 5 months, and we can read each other so well. he's amazingly caring to me and we always have so much fun together even if we're not doing hardly anything. these are the things that make me want to just say fuck it, this is what love is to me, this is all we need.
but then there's that other side of me that knows i enjoy my freedom, i like not having any restrictions, and even if i'm not going to frequently, i like the idea that if i want to kiss or have sex with someone else, i could do that. i guess he feels pretty much the same way, plus he's got many more worries that require his attention. i agree that he needs to work on making himself happy first. so thats where we are, enjoying each other's company, making each other happy, but not being "together". i've been happy with that, the way it has been since july. really, its what i'm comfortable with and for the few days when we were saying that we are gonna be "together" it seemed really strange to me, but i would have gotten used to it.
labels don't really matter at all, its the same as it always was the entire time, we have a lot of love for each other. but just putting the idea in my mind complicated it to me. knowing that it could go in that direction. but also knowing that it might not because of something i probably fucked up. letting him know too much about what else i was doing, making him go through liking me a whole lot but thinking i could never be his, knowing i was sleeping with other people. i can see why it is the way it is now. if you like someone and you think you'll never really have them, you eventually put the idea out of your mind. you learn to like being at whatever level you're at. and i'm sure i hurt him anyway, as much as i tried not to.
i don't know what i think about relationships right now. i knew before i didn't want one, now i don't know. i know the timing isn't good right now. and he's younger than me, he needs more time to grow as a person, just like i needed it. and i think its really mature of him to know that he needs to figure himself out first, most people just jump right into relationship after relationship, not really learning anything and making the same mistakes over and over their entire lives. just some insecure days, i want more than what we can give me right now. and its not because he couldn't ever give it to me, its because he's stressed about other things. hes there for me in every way possible, but he's unable to give himself to me yet, and sometimes i just crave that, the only thing different about being in a relationship. its hard to explain, just that feeling that no matter what else is going on around you, that seeing/talking to/being around that person makes it all better. usually he makes me feel better no matter what, but i don't think i completely do that for him. i know i make him smile, i know i make him forget about things for a short time, but i don't have him completely. its frustrating because it makes me feel like i love him more than he loves me, and i know thats not the right way to think about it but thats how it feels. i can't pick this apart like other relationships because its a unique situation. some might think that because i've had another relationship going on at the same time it means i don't care, that if i wanted to be with him i wouldn't wanna be with anyone else. but its not like that. the situation with johnny and i is completely unique as well. the kind of love i have for him is different. i don't want to be with him, i'm past that. i love him as a friend and mentor, and i wouldn't even entertain the idea of trying to tie him down.
i don't know where it'll end up with richie and i. i'd like to think we'll be together eventually. i just don't know what to do in the meantime. he feels bad about not being able to give me a real answer. but i tell him not to because i understand his side 100%. and i agree with him really, he needs to find himself, i completey believe that every person needs to develop themselves first before getting into a real relationship because then you develop with a dependance to that person, and you become half a person because that other person defines you, and they're your other half. its just hard to figure out what to do in the meantime. i don't need a label, i just don't know whats appropriate for me, like would it be wrong of me to date other people too if it came up? or would that fuck things up between us? i don't have any interest in anyone else, but if this went on long enough like this, i might eventually get discouraged and give up, which could be the right or wrong choice, i don't know. but i do believe that things have a way of working out the way they're intended to be, whatever you do. if its meant to be it'll happen sooner or later. my feelings change every day. sometimes i'm happy because i don't have the burden of everything that comes with maintaining a relationship, but sometimes i'm sad because thats a bond thats even greater than anything else, and i crave that just like everyone does. we already have a really strong bond, and i have enough really close friends that i know would do anything for me and we'll always be friends, so i'm not lacking anything. i'm not lonely, i'm not looking for love as a way of filling a void. i don't know what i'm doing or how i'm feeling. emotions confuse the fuck out of me.
stuff's been kind of up and down lately. little things have been setting me off and i hate being like that. i know emotions get in the way of rational thinking, but i've had a hard time pushing them back lately. i don't know how to read them, and they make me upset, so i tell myself they're irrational and bad for me, but i don't know whether they all are or not. i guess its bad for me right now. i fucked up the timing. maybe i was too open at the beginning. i thought it was the best thing to do because i didn't think it would even be an issue of me wanting to be with him, and being open would prevent him from finding out things later on that could hurt him. all i told him all the time was that i didn't wanna be in a relationship anytime soon, i couldn't see myself doing that, it was such a far off thought to me. i didn't want him falling for me and getting hurt. but i still wanted him. not that i needed him to myself, not that i wanted a relationship, but i always wanted him to be a big part in my life. we've been like best friends since day 1. there was never an awkward getting-to-know-you time, from the first time we talked it was always like we've known each other for years. even now, we've only known each other for around 4 or 5 months, and we can read each other so well. he's amazingly caring to me and we always have so much fun together even if we're not doing hardly anything. these are the things that make me want to just say fuck it, this is what love is to me, this is all we need.
but then there's that other side of me that knows i enjoy my freedom, i like not having any restrictions, and even if i'm not going to frequently, i like the idea that if i want to kiss or have sex with someone else, i could do that. i guess he feels pretty much the same way, plus he's got many more worries that require his attention. i agree that he needs to work on making himself happy first. so thats where we are, enjoying each other's company, making each other happy, but not being "together". i've been happy with that, the way it has been since july. really, its what i'm comfortable with and for the few days when we were saying that we are gonna be "together" it seemed really strange to me, but i would have gotten used to it.
labels don't really matter at all, its the same as it always was the entire time, we have a lot of love for each other. but just putting the idea in my mind complicated it to me. knowing that it could go in that direction. but also knowing that it might not because of something i probably fucked up. letting him know too much about what else i was doing, making him go through liking me a whole lot but thinking i could never be his, knowing i was sleeping with other people. i can see why it is the way it is now. if you like someone and you think you'll never really have them, you eventually put the idea out of your mind. you learn to like being at whatever level you're at. and i'm sure i hurt him anyway, as much as i tried not to.
i don't know what i think about relationships right now. i knew before i didn't want one, now i don't know. i know the timing isn't good right now. and he's younger than me, he needs more time to grow as a person, just like i needed it. and i think its really mature of him to know that he needs to figure himself out first, most people just jump right into relationship after relationship, not really learning anything and making the same mistakes over and over their entire lives. just some insecure days, i want more than what we can give me right now. and its not because he couldn't ever give it to me, its because he's stressed about other things. hes there for me in every way possible, but he's unable to give himself to me yet, and sometimes i just crave that, the only thing different about being in a relationship. its hard to explain, just that feeling that no matter what else is going on around you, that seeing/talking to/being around that person makes it all better. usually he makes me feel better no matter what, but i don't think i completely do that for him. i know i make him smile, i know i make him forget about things for a short time, but i don't have him completely. its frustrating because it makes me feel like i love him more than he loves me, and i know thats not the right way to think about it but thats how it feels. i can't pick this apart like other relationships because its a unique situation. some might think that because i've had another relationship going on at the same time it means i don't care, that if i wanted to be with him i wouldn't wanna be with anyone else. but its not like that. the situation with johnny and i is completely unique as well. the kind of love i have for him is different. i don't want to be with him, i'm past that. i love him as a friend and mentor, and i wouldn't even entertain the idea of trying to tie him down.
i don't know where it'll end up with richie and i. i'd like to think we'll be together eventually. i just don't know what to do in the meantime. he feels bad about not being able to give me a real answer. but i tell him not to because i understand his side 100%. and i agree with him really, he needs to find himself, i completey believe that every person needs to develop themselves first before getting into a real relationship because then you develop with a dependance to that person, and you become half a person because that other person defines you, and they're your other half. its just hard to figure out what to do in the meantime. i don't need a label, i just don't know whats appropriate for me, like would it be wrong of me to date other people too if it came up? or would that fuck things up between us? i don't have any interest in anyone else, but if this went on long enough like this, i might eventually get discouraged and give up, which could be the right or wrong choice, i don't know. but i do believe that things have a way of working out the way they're intended to be, whatever you do. if its meant to be it'll happen sooner or later. my feelings change every day. sometimes i'm happy because i don't have the burden of everything that comes with maintaining a relationship, but sometimes i'm sad because thats a bond thats even greater than anything else, and i crave that just like everyone does. we already have a really strong bond, and i have enough really close friends that i know would do anything for me and we'll always be friends, so i'm not lacking anything. i'm not lonely, i'm not looking for love as a way of filling a void. i don't know what i'm doing or how i'm feeling. emotions confuse the fuck out of me.