(no subject)
i've been taking the medicine for my sinus infection since monday, and i still feel like shit. the last pill is tomorrow. you'd think i should feel better by now. i was feeling better on tuesday, then back to having this horrid headaches and having to sleep in the middle of the day. i had to go home from work at like 2 today cause i got a headache so bad i couldn't function, and once i got home i slept til about 6:30 or 7. this is fucking me up so bad, i can't control myself, i can't control what i can do, i can't control how i feel or my emotions. i almost started crying at work today, and under normal circumstances, i'd be perfectly fine. i don't know why i'm feeling so unbalanced, so depressed, its ridiculous, and i try to reason that with myself, but its only somewhat working. i need to get a grip on reality. i feel like an idiot and a burden on others by acting this way, so i try to just keep sleeping it off, because i know its not me, and i've been acting in ways that aren't me. there's just so much going on, and this isn't helping, i just really hate the way i'm dealing with it. i'm so thankful for the people closest to me who really matter, who are always there for me.
heather and mike and i were having a conversation the other day about how we don't really need anyone else other than the people we have now that are closest to us. which is true, and i value that, i value those people more than i can ever express. but its so depressing at the same time, that there's this many people in the world, and only a handful of them i can actually trust not to fuck me over, and to always be there when i need them. i'd do anything for any friend i thought was worth it, and heather is the same way. but that circle seems to always be getting smaller, makes me wonder about the rest of humanity, how they exist, does everyone feel this way? how can you continue to trust new people when statistically, and by experience, you know eventually they'll probably either leave you or fuck you over? so this is the issue i've been thinking about while i've had hours to do nothing, off work, unable to do much else besides think, and drive myself crazy.
so yesterday and today, i'm sure i'm driving him crazy, but i asked johnny in 2 different ways if everything was still the same between us. because lately he has made some new friends, some of them being female, and i hadn't seen him as much, and i had just been questioning everything in my life, so i needed the reassurance. what i really wanted to ask him, but couldn't on the first try, was why he was dating me, if i was still making him as happy as the beginning, and if he thought it would continue this way or does it have the potential to be more (not even talking about now but years down the road). so basically nothing has changed, just as i knew deep down anyway, we've only gotten closer, he's just been busy this past week, and i'm probably getting more attached to him than i should be, and i need to control that, because neither of us knows what may happen in the future. he knows more than i do, his dream is to travel and teach others about his theology, and if thats what he ends up doing then its most likely going to be done mostly alone. this is not even about me wanting to be with him exclusively. i don't want that, i don't think i'm ready for it because i have no clue what i want to do with the rest of my life. i just needed reassurance that nothing has changed and that he, being one of the most important people in my life, will continue to be there for me as much as he always has. i feel so stupid for having to ask him that, because its all things that i already knew, and i know he's as honest as they come, and if anything had changed between us, he would tell me. every once in a while, i'm not as strong and independant as i portray myself to be. every once in a while i just need someone to tell me everything's gonna be ok.
heather and mike and i were having a conversation the other day about how we don't really need anyone else other than the people we have now that are closest to us. which is true, and i value that, i value those people more than i can ever express. but its so depressing at the same time, that there's this many people in the world, and only a handful of them i can actually trust not to fuck me over, and to always be there when i need them. i'd do anything for any friend i thought was worth it, and heather is the same way. but that circle seems to always be getting smaller, makes me wonder about the rest of humanity, how they exist, does everyone feel this way? how can you continue to trust new people when statistically, and by experience, you know eventually they'll probably either leave you or fuck you over? so this is the issue i've been thinking about while i've had hours to do nothing, off work, unable to do much else besides think, and drive myself crazy.
so yesterday and today, i'm sure i'm driving him crazy, but i asked johnny in 2 different ways if everything was still the same between us. because lately he has made some new friends, some of them being female, and i hadn't seen him as much, and i had just been questioning everything in my life, so i needed the reassurance. what i really wanted to ask him, but couldn't on the first try, was why he was dating me, if i was still making him as happy as the beginning, and if he thought it would continue this way or does it have the potential to be more (not even talking about now but years down the road). so basically nothing has changed, just as i knew deep down anyway, we've only gotten closer, he's just been busy this past week, and i'm probably getting more attached to him than i should be, and i need to control that, because neither of us knows what may happen in the future. he knows more than i do, his dream is to travel and teach others about his theology, and if thats what he ends up doing then its most likely going to be done mostly alone. this is not even about me wanting to be with him exclusively. i don't want that, i don't think i'm ready for it because i have no clue what i want to do with the rest of my life. i just needed reassurance that nothing has changed and that he, being one of the most important people in my life, will continue to be there for me as much as he always has. i feel so stupid for having to ask him that, because its all things that i already knew, and i know he's as honest as they come, and if anything had changed between us, he would tell me. every once in a while, i'm not as strong and independant as i portray myself to be. every once in a while i just need someone to tell me everything's gonna be ok.