(no subject)
In the span of a few hours last night, I have had two different people who have been my rock, the people closest to me, who I've been through a lot with, who love me and have told me they'd always be there, tell me I can't be in their lives anymore, for 2 different reasons. It's really hard not to question wtf I did to deserve this. Guess my mentality of taking care of my needs first was right, I should just care about everyone else a little less. If you care(d) about me, you'd be there. Because that's what people who care about you do. I've created distance because you can't rely on anyone to always be there, because I'm fucked up, and trying to figure out myself without hurting anyone else in the process. Apparently I failed at that one. They say they'll always be there but then here I am, bailed on when I need their help the most. Ever think maybe I need YOUR help this time? That having people who care(d) about me as much as you is the only thing holding me together now? I've never bailed on you when you needed me. All the times I've helped others and now you're not gonna be able to help me? That's a fucking cop out when you consider all I've done for you and all we've been through. I've been there for you at your lowest and become the positive influence that helped you out of it but you can't do the same for me. I've stood by you while you made your own mistakes and learned from them.
Maybe this is supposed to show me who I can really rely on. It's just me vs. the world. Nothing good ever lasts forever. The death of one thing will be the birth of another. How the fuck am I supposed to become stronger when I'm constantly being knocked down? Maybe I need a break from everyone. Certainly a break from knowing every little thing everyone does. Can't even read about my "close friends" because we're all at odds. My heart is broken. Time will tell who's there to help me mend it. If its only me then I guess I'll be rebuilding myself. Haven't felt like me in so long it's hard to remember who that really is. And I damn sure won't be making the same mistakes again.
To me the most important part of the character of a true friend is that they always support you. They don't always agree but they still support you. They don't do it because they hope to gain something from it, they do it because they care. That's unconditional love, the kind you (ideally) get from your family. And the kind I thought I had with you. I feel sick, lost, confused, hurt, abandoned. I don't know how to function. I never thought it would come to this. I counted myself lucky to have people like you in my life. How fucked up or lost you were at different times never stopped me. I always tried to help guide you through tough times, and supported your decisions even when I didn't agree, because everyone needs to figure out certain things on their own.
Fuck you for forcing me to choose between improving my life and well-being, and you being around. Fuck you for never allowing me to reverse the roles and be the fucked up one who needs you for once. Fuck you for only looking out for yourself, and then implying that's what I'm doing and judging me for it. You say you're not judging me but clearly you are. Everyone is. But no one can really know what goes on in anyone else's head and life without walking a mile in their shoes. So sorry I'm not as "perfect" as you hoped I'd be. But I am an honest, genuine, and a good person. All I ever wanted was to improve my life. To feel more true to myself. And somehow in the process I hurt the people I care most about and I'm so sorry for that. I'll get where I need to be eventually, with or without you. Once the emotions clear I'll be able to think rationally, and I'll realize that rationally, I don't need people who would make me feel this way. I loved you, I really did. I hope you find your path and your life is better without me in it.
If anyone else is feeling this way, do me a favor and tell me now. Don't sit around and talk shit behind my back about what you think I'm doing, because you have no idea. Be real and have a true conversation with me if you actually care. If you don't then you were never worth it in the first place.
Maybe this is supposed to show me who I can really rely on. It's just me vs. the world. Nothing good ever lasts forever. The death of one thing will be the birth of another. How the fuck am I supposed to become stronger when I'm constantly being knocked down? Maybe I need a break from everyone. Certainly a break from knowing every little thing everyone does. Can't even read about my "close friends" because we're all at odds. My heart is broken. Time will tell who's there to help me mend it. If its only me then I guess I'll be rebuilding myself. Haven't felt like me in so long it's hard to remember who that really is. And I damn sure won't be making the same mistakes again.
To me the most important part of the character of a true friend is that they always support you. They don't always agree but they still support you. They don't do it because they hope to gain something from it, they do it because they care. That's unconditional love, the kind you (ideally) get from your family. And the kind I thought I had with you. I feel sick, lost, confused, hurt, abandoned. I don't know how to function. I never thought it would come to this. I counted myself lucky to have people like you in my life. How fucked up or lost you were at different times never stopped me. I always tried to help guide you through tough times, and supported your decisions even when I didn't agree, because everyone needs to figure out certain things on their own.
Fuck you for forcing me to choose between improving my life and well-being, and you being around. Fuck you for never allowing me to reverse the roles and be the fucked up one who needs you for once. Fuck you for only looking out for yourself, and then implying that's what I'm doing and judging me for it. You say you're not judging me but clearly you are. Everyone is. But no one can really know what goes on in anyone else's head and life without walking a mile in their shoes. So sorry I'm not as "perfect" as you hoped I'd be. But I am an honest, genuine, and a good person. All I ever wanted was to improve my life. To feel more true to myself. And somehow in the process I hurt the people I care most about and I'm so sorry for that. I'll get where I need to be eventually, with or without you. Once the emotions clear I'll be able to think rationally, and I'll realize that rationally, I don't need people who would make me feel this way. I loved you, I really did. I hope you find your path and your life is better without me in it.
If anyone else is feeling this way, do me a favor and tell me now. Don't sit around and talk shit behind my back about what you think I'm doing, because you have no idea. Be real and have a true conversation with me if you actually care. If you don't then you were never worth it in the first place.