(no subject)
i have chosen to venture back into to the world of livejournal for a few reasons. it's always been a good place for me to get perspective on my life. i just type what i think and it becomes more clear. and perspective is exactly what i desperately need right now. secondly, hardly anyone reads it anymore. so i can feel free to share it with whomever i choose.
today is two things. it's my half birthday, which means 6 months til i'm 29, and a year and a half til i'm 30. it's also very close to being 5 years since richie and i decided to make our relationship exclusive, and by definition, monogamous. it was not a conscious decision to have my own personal mental meltdown at this particular time, but i'm sure it means something.
i don't know exactly what it is that's giving me this strong urge to question and change everything. it's so many things. maybe it's a quarter-life/almost 30 crisis. i just feel so stagnant. i feel like richie's life has changed and become better in so many ways in the past 5 years, but mine has pretty much stayed the same. some would call that stable, and stability is good, this is true. but my worst fear is to settle. to be like everyone else, with a 9-5, married, kids, etc. i'm not like everyone else. maybe i feel like my life could be so much more. that i'm wasting my life away working 40 hours a week and making the same money i've made all along. and some people would say they wish they could count on that, some people don't even have jobs or any stability and greatly wish for it. i just feel like i'm a failure at accomplishing anything of any importance over the past 5 years, and that something is holding me back and i can't pinpoint exactly what. maybe it's that being comfortable stops you from striving for more.
there's so many separate issues to this, so i'll take one subject and write about each separately. when you talk as a couple, the things that affect that person directly are the parts that are dwelled upon. in this case, it's my issue with monogamy in general. i've hurt richie very badly by being honest, when i'm just being who i always have been, ever since the beginning. however, that issue is only part of the equation.
now i'm going to read over my older entries from the last time i had any kind of life altering thought, which is 5+ years ago, and reflect on that before going any further with this. i have lost a great deal of my sense of who i am and where i'm going, and don't know where to look to find it.
today is two things. it's my half birthday, which means 6 months til i'm 29, and a year and a half til i'm 30. it's also very close to being 5 years since richie and i decided to make our relationship exclusive, and by definition, monogamous. it was not a conscious decision to have my own personal mental meltdown at this particular time, but i'm sure it means something.
i don't know exactly what it is that's giving me this strong urge to question and change everything. it's so many things. maybe it's a quarter-life/almost 30 crisis. i just feel so stagnant. i feel like richie's life has changed and become better in so many ways in the past 5 years, but mine has pretty much stayed the same. some would call that stable, and stability is good, this is true. but my worst fear is to settle. to be like everyone else, with a 9-5, married, kids, etc. i'm not like everyone else. maybe i feel like my life could be so much more. that i'm wasting my life away working 40 hours a week and making the same money i've made all along. and some people would say they wish they could count on that, some people don't even have jobs or any stability and greatly wish for it. i just feel like i'm a failure at accomplishing anything of any importance over the past 5 years, and that something is holding me back and i can't pinpoint exactly what. maybe it's that being comfortable stops you from striving for more.
there's so many separate issues to this, so i'll take one subject and write about each separately. when you talk as a couple, the things that affect that person directly are the parts that are dwelled upon. in this case, it's my issue with monogamy in general. i've hurt richie very badly by being honest, when i'm just being who i always have been, ever since the beginning. however, that issue is only part of the equation.
now i'm going to read over my older entries from the last time i had any kind of life altering thought, which is 5+ years ago, and reflect on that before going any further with this. i have lost a great deal of my sense of who i am and where i'm going, and don't know where to look to find it.