(no subject)
Hello people... I'm posting after some time, yup, I am sorry for abandoning you, those who read my journal, that is xDD
I just wanted to give you an update to my life... and I really don't know how to start... which has always been my problem, how to start things, but in a way, I find it a problem of my personality, I think I have some kind of fear or something, when I start something new, I get my hopes too high, and life just goes and stands there, in front of it and pities it... sure, it could be some sort of exaggeration of mine, but hey, it's how I felt through all these years in college.
First of all... to follow with what I said, I think I'm afraid to start anything serious, as in a relationship or something, sure, there's a girl I might be interested in, and I know that in taking risks one can go on better in life, but what if those risks are unavoidable? I mean, if I like someone, that I might be afraid to have something with her with the thought of not being what she wanted in my mind, you know, when you doubt if you are or aren't worthy for that person? sure, it might be low esteem, but I never had any of the contrary... never had confidence in myself even if I had given advices of the same to others. I laugh and, in sorts, bully myself for this, was of a way, being a coward, someone who doesn't want to lose and only wants to gain, afraid that if in the intention of gaining, I lost what I inspired to have.
Sometimes I wonder... Am I alright having my mind, my personality and my conscience this fucked up? people have constantly asked me: "I never see you in a relationship or any of the same, why is that" and really, I don't know, it's not that I didn't want to be in a relationship, it's just that maybe, I'm not suited for relationships, maybe "A friend" is what people that often know me would see me, and it's not that I don't want any relationships, it's just that I don't want to end up like a miserable person or a mesmerized person, thinking only in relationships. And it's not that I want to be in a relationship either, cause I'm just tired of having my hopes held high and then dropped to the floor... that had been constantly my life in these past... 6 months? I'm just tired of everything, I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy, and I'm not in the middle either, I don't know how my situation is right now.
I made a vow, and I am currently doing it, and it is to feel good with myself, sure, I've always said that I love being fluffy, and I really do, but I want to change, seeing that I can change in someway, I want to give it a shot, to see if that can really change my life in some way... I'm really tired, tired of the same thing happening in my life, new people getting in my life, and sure, I love having more friends, but I think that I lack excitement, maybe?
Today I was so happy, I was so happy that I got a speeding ticket, sure, normally people would be mad, but I was happy, after 3 years I got my first ticket, but unfortunately, it was a bit too high, it was over $100, but even after that, the day was normal, got home, normal, everything... normal.
I'm pissed over no reason at all, I'm pissed at every reason, I'm always pissed even if I don't show it and even if I talk it through.
I think that I have been ignoring my own self all this time, being happy, helping other people and making them happy, sure, I love them, but I can't make other people without being happy myself, but this time, there is no ignoring my self, there is no peace for me to calm nor any sleep for me to dream.
I just wonder, God, was he always perfect? if he where, why? what's the reason for us not to be? perfection... I often wonder what that word means... physically, mentally, spiritually, does it exist? can perfection really exist? if it does, then what is a perfect thing? Love? surely any of you would answer Love as a perfection, but really, is that it? can love be perfect? even if you want something to seem perfect, sound perfect, feel perfect, it is only perfect withing our own mind's reach, but what with our neighbor's mind? can there be something perfect for everyone? something everyone in the world would accept? it that way, in this way of thinking, can I really say that there exist a perfect God? sure, I believe in a god, not like yours nor like the people you know, I see God as a representation of mine, not all powerful, not all seeing and not all forgiving. I don't pray, I don't swear, I don't worship, and as hell I don't kneel before any as an inferior, what would be the reason of having people kneeling before you? do you feel more powerful? more overly? more superior? If there is a god, then he is like us, not perfect and as fragile and inferior to us as we are to him.
Religion is not my kind of talk, I pity the people who have lost faith because of me, and I admire those who didn't. We humans are weak minded, we give in too easy when something we desire is granted to us, or when that something is taken away. But what I desire? I really don't know... If I would stop breathing, I won't feel bad, cause I don't have any desire to live, nor any desire to die, I don't feel like I have any unfinished business, although I know that there are people that want me still, at least, two, and I really don't want to make anyone suffer, nor make anyone cry, that's why I hide my face with this mask, hide my feelings and emotions. Either way, I'm not any way near the thought of suicide nor anything regarding that, I just want to know, "What meaning does my life have?" what is my purpose? what am I supposed to do?
Tomorrow, I start university again, I'm really thankful to Fr3aky_Girl for staying in the university, and I'm also thankful to her for taking a class of Photography, which I will be going as a listener for the whole trimester, and we are taking our friendship really well. My classes of this trimester are the same as the last but more advanced, so I need more time to study, which will be a bit difficult, since I'm applying for another job, and if I'm accepted, I will work from 10am-3pm in Wendy's and the rest of the day over there, till I get my permanent stay which I hope is 1 to 3 months.
In funny news:
There are currently 3 people that the only time they dream about me is by having sex with me... now, I know I'm not ugly and all but I'm not too hot, one of them is a 32 married woman, another is a 18 year old friend from college and another is a 17 year old girl I know, now, I asked them why, they don't know, now I asked my friend and she said she only dreamed of me twice and it was #1 a one on one sex and #2 and orgy sex with me being the main person... Now, I want answers people... Why the hell? did any of you have dreams with me NOT having sex? xDD
I just wanted to give you an update to my life... and I really don't know how to start... which has always been my problem, how to start things, but in a way, I find it a problem of my personality, I think I have some kind of fear or something, when I start something new, I get my hopes too high, and life just goes and stands there, in front of it and pities it... sure, it could be some sort of exaggeration of mine, but hey, it's how I felt through all these years in college.
First of all... to follow with what I said, I think I'm afraid to start anything serious, as in a relationship or something, sure, there's a girl I might be interested in, and I know that in taking risks one can go on better in life, but what if those risks are unavoidable? I mean, if I like someone, that I might be afraid to have something with her with the thought of not being what she wanted in my mind, you know, when you doubt if you are or aren't worthy for that person? sure, it might be low esteem, but I never had any of the contrary... never had confidence in myself even if I had given advices of the same to others. I laugh and, in sorts, bully myself for this, was of a way, being a coward, someone who doesn't want to lose and only wants to gain, afraid that if in the intention of gaining, I lost what I inspired to have.
Sometimes I wonder... Am I alright having my mind, my personality and my conscience this fucked up? people have constantly asked me: "I never see you in a relationship or any of the same, why is that" and really, I don't know, it's not that I didn't want to be in a relationship, it's just that maybe, I'm not suited for relationships, maybe "A friend" is what people that often know me would see me, and it's not that I don't want any relationships, it's just that I don't want to end up like a miserable person or a mesmerized person, thinking only in relationships. And it's not that I want to be in a relationship either, cause I'm just tired of having my hopes held high and then dropped to the floor... that had been constantly my life in these past... 6 months? I'm just tired of everything, I'm not depressed, but I'm not happy, and I'm not in the middle either, I don't know how my situation is right now.
I made a vow, and I am currently doing it, and it is to feel good with myself, sure, I've always said that I love being fluffy, and I really do, but I want to change, seeing that I can change in someway, I want to give it a shot, to see if that can really change my life in some way... I'm really tired, tired of the same thing happening in my life, new people getting in my life, and sure, I love having more friends, but I think that I lack excitement, maybe?
Today I was so happy, I was so happy that I got a speeding ticket, sure, normally people would be mad, but I was happy, after 3 years I got my first ticket, but unfortunately, it was a bit too high, it was over $100, but even after that, the day was normal, got home, normal, everything... normal.
I'm pissed over no reason at all, I'm pissed at every reason, I'm always pissed even if I don't show it and even if I talk it through.
I think that I have been ignoring my own self all this time, being happy, helping other people and making them happy, sure, I love them, but I can't make other people without being happy myself, but this time, there is no ignoring my self, there is no peace for me to calm nor any sleep for me to dream.
I just wonder, God, was he always perfect? if he where, why? what's the reason for us not to be? perfection... I often wonder what that word means... physically, mentally, spiritually, does it exist? can perfection really exist? if it does, then what is a perfect thing? Love? surely any of you would answer Love as a perfection, but really, is that it? can love be perfect? even if you want something to seem perfect, sound perfect, feel perfect, it is only perfect withing our own mind's reach, but what with our neighbor's mind? can there be something perfect for everyone? something everyone in the world would accept? it that way, in this way of thinking, can I really say that there exist a perfect God? sure, I believe in a god, not like yours nor like the people you know, I see God as a representation of mine, not all powerful, not all seeing and not all forgiving. I don't pray, I don't swear, I don't worship, and as hell I don't kneel before any as an inferior, what would be the reason of having people kneeling before you? do you feel more powerful? more overly? more superior? If there is a god, then he is like us, not perfect and as fragile and inferior to us as we are to him.
Religion is not my kind of talk, I pity the people who have lost faith because of me, and I admire those who didn't. We humans are weak minded, we give in too easy when something we desire is granted to us, or when that something is taken away. But what I desire? I really don't know... If I would stop breathing, I won't feel bad, cause I don't have any desire to live, nor any desire to die, I don't feel like I have any unfinished business, although I know that there are people that want me still, at least, two, and I really don't want to make anyone suffer, nor make anyone cry, that's why I hide my face with this mask, hide my feelings and emotions. Either way, I'm not any way near the thought of suicide nor anything regarding that, I just want to know, "What meaning does my life have?" what is my purpose? what am I supposed to do?
Tomorrow, I start university again, I'm really thankful to Fr3aky_Girl for staying in the university, and I'm also thankful to her for taking a class of Photography, which I will be going as a listener for the whole trimester, and we are taking our friendship really well. My classes of this trimester are the same as the last but more advanced, so I need more time to study, which will be a bit difficult, since I'm applying for another job, and if I'm accepted, I will work from 10am-3pm in Wendy's and the rest of the day over there, till I get my permanent stay which I hope is 1 to 3 months.
In funny news:
There are currently 3 people that the only time they dream about me is by having sex with me... now, I know I'm not ugly and all but I'm not too hot, one of them is a 32 married woman, another is a 18 year old friend from college and another is a 17 year old girl I know, now, I asked them why, they don't know, now I asked my friend and she said she only dreamed of me twice and it was #1 a one on one sex and #2 and orgy sex with me being the main person... Now, I want answers people... Why the hell? did any of you have dreams with me NOT having sex? xDD