(no subject)
So here's the NejiHina entry for 30_kisses, since I already posted the IchiRuki one. This one's a bit different from most of the ones I write in a couple ways. First, it's first-person, which I almost never write. I don't really like it, it always feels less like fanfiction and more like I'm just typing a post in here. Beyond that, it's also not really a happy fic, it's rather sad and bittersweet, which I don't tend to do. Oh well, that's the point of a challenge, ne?
Title: Letter to the Lost
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: NejiHina
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Naruto =/= mine
If I could only make you mine. I’ve thought about it, you know. Pictured it, envisioned a world where you and I walk side by side, the way we do now. Yet things are different, somehow, in a sort of intangible way that I don’t even know how to describe with words. I’m not really good with words, you know. At least, not with my voice. It’s always been small, weak. Shy and timid the way my body is as well. Even around you, especially around you.
Because you’re so strong, so much braver and stronger and more courageous then I’ll ever hope to be. But then, that’s part of why I admire you so much. It’s… why I love you so much. You’re strong, wise, brave. All of those things that I’ve never been, that everyone expects of me and berates me for never finding. I wish I could find them, though. You’re my inspiration, you know that? Sure, you’d probably scoff and tell me to stop being stupid, that you know perfectly well that he’s the one I admire, the one I watch and pine for. But you don’t know how much longer I’ve watched you.
Do you remember? When we were little, when things were so different between us. Before the hurt, and the bitterness, and the anger. Before the hardness crept up into your eyes and hid the kindness and softness that once dwelt there. If anyone tried to ask you, tried to find it, you’d probably deny it was ever there. But I remember. I remember the little boy who smiled at me, who held my hand and chased away the monsters in our make-believe worlds. And I remember how much I missed that smile when it faded behind the anger and the hate.
I wonder sometimes, if you would still hate me if you knew how I felt. If you knew how I watch your steps, how I gaze at your back as you walk away down that path to your next mission. If you understood the way I sit and watch the window every time you leave, wondering if this time you won’t come back alive. It’s shameful, I know. For a kunoichi and a Hyuuga at that, to allow herself to get so emotional over what is only a fact of life, that we may all die any day. But I can’t help it. Not where you’re concerned.
I sit up at night and wait and wonder, hoping and praying that morning won’t bring news that I dread. Do you ever think of me? Ever wonder where I am and what I’m doing the way that I do you? Probably not, you aren’t really that sort of person, and I think all of our friends would be shocked if they even knew you once used to smile.
I’m still watching you now, even as I write this letter. Watching you waiting by the corner, waiting for your teammates, off on another mission. Writing this letter that I know I’ll never send you, never let you see. Because even as much as I wish that you could be mine, that I could one day know what it’s like to feel your arms around me, your lips touching mine, to see that smile again with such warmth and feeling… I’m not brave like you. In truth, I’m a coward. A coward who can only write her feelings here, on blank paper that will see no warmth other than that of the pages of the book I’ll hide it in.
It’s silly to hope, after all. Because as much as I would wish it, as much as I hope and pray for the world to make you mine… I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago.
Title: Letter to the Lost
Fandom: Naruto
Pairing: NejiHina
Rating: R
Disclaimer: Naruto =/= mine
If I could only make you mine. I’ve thought about it, you know. Pictured it, envisioned a world where you and I walk side by side, the way we do now. Yet things are different, somehow, in a sort of intangible way that I don’t even know how to describe with words. I’m not really good with words, you know. At least, not with my voice. It’s always been small, weak. Shy and timid the way my body is as well. Even around you, especially around you.
Because you’re so strong, so much braver and stronger and more courageous then I’ll ever hope to be. But then, that’s part of why I admire you so much. It’s… why I love you so much. You’re strong, wise, brave. All of those things that I’ve never been, that everyone expects of me and berates me for never finding. I wish I could find them, though. You’re my inspiration, you know that? Sure, you’d probably scoff and tell me to stop being stupid, that you know perfectly well that he’s the one I admire, the one I watch and pine for. But you don’t know how much longer I’ve watched you.
Do you remember? When we were little, when things were so different between us. Before the hurt, and the bitterness, and the anger. Before the hardness crept up into your eyes and hid the kindness and softness that once dwelt there. If anyone tried to ask you, tried to find it, you’d probably deny it was ever there. But I remember. I remember the little boy who smiled at me, who held my hand and chased away the monsters in our make-believe worlds. And I remember how much I missed that smile when it faded behind the anger and the hate.
I wonder sometimes, if you would still hate me if you knew how I felt. If you knew how I watch your steps, how I gaze at your back as you walk away down that path to your next mission. If you understood the way I sit and watch the window every time you leave, wondering if this time you won’t come back alive. It’s shameful, I know. For a kunoichi and a Hyuuga at that, to allow herself to get so emotional over what is only a fact of life, that we may all die any day. But I can’t help it. Not where you’re concerned.
I sit up at night and wait and wonder, hoping and praying that morning won’t bring news that I dread. Do you ever think of me? Ever wonder where I am and what I’m doing the way that I do you? Probably not, you aren’t really that sort of person, and I think all of our friends would be shocked if they even knew you once used to smile.
I’m still watching you now, even as I write this letter. Watching you waiting by the corner, waiting for your teammates, off on another mission. Writing this letter that I know I’ll never send you, never let you see. Because even as much as I wish that you could be mine, that I could one day know what it’s like to feel your arms around me, your lips touching mine, to see that smile again with such warmth and feeling… I’m not brave like you. In truth, I’m a coward. A coward who can only write her feelings here, on blank paper that will see no warmth other than that of the pages of the book I’ll hide it in.
It’s silly to hope, after all. Because as much as I would wish it, as much as I hope and pray for the world to make you mine… I stopped believing in fairytales a long time ago.