I have uncovered a shadow...
Have you ever watched Oprah and heard her talk about shadow beliefs? We all have them, and if you don't know what I am talking about you should get O and read it, because it is all in there this month...Well I have uncovered one of my own shadow beliefs. I never tell people I have CF. I always say I have asthma. Last night Matt, who drove me to get my towed car lol, asked if I was sick...Well I said "No, I have asmtha." Usually it ends at that, but he continued to say, "Really, How long have you had it?" to which I said "Since I was born.." "And you always cough like that?" "Yeah I do..." Well...I forget how we just got into it but me and Crystal were just talking about things, and she told me our friend Claudia had asked her "Anna had asked me if Natasha was sick, why is she so skinny." Granted I have had one other girl as me that in the past two weeks...and Crystal said, "She is no anorexic, she has Cystic Fibrosis..." Now esentially I thought I don't tell people I have CF because no one knows what it is, and its annoying to explain it, if I had something everyone knew about, I'd tell them, which is why I say I have asthma, everyone knows what that is. Well really I have uncovered I don't tell people because I have severe issues with it. "I don't tell people because I get very emotional when I talk about it." Is what just came out of my mouth about 10 minutes ago. I have never said that before. "If I had gone to Claudia's room and said, look I have Cystic Fibrosis, I would cry when I told her." I continued. I have deep underlying issues with having CF. I am not totally sure what they are yet, but I am not abnormal, and I'll do anything to be just like everyone else, I dont want people to think I am weaker than them...that they have to protect me, or look out for me. Just because one of my chromosomes is screwed up doesn't make me any less of a person or any weaker than someone who doesn't have a screwed up one. I get issues fromy mom was well, she cries whenever she talks about me being sick, what parent wouldn't? This was all lying very deep within me, and I didnt even know it. And meeting Claudia and Anna, and giving my heart to God, and realizing all I just realized is why I came to Pine Manor. This was God's plan. I am going to tell people from now on that I have CF. Why not.