(no subject)
Kit called me last night. When I was in the middle of the most amazing conversation ever with her.
He said once again that I had been sounding strange. Then he asked me why I never answered him when he asked me if I had done something with someone.
I said I never heard him ask that. So he asked again, and I didn't answer immediately. He said "what?" like I had said something. I didn't say anything, because my mom was right there talking to me in the background. When I kissed her goodnight and said I love you, Kit screamed "who's that!?!?!" I said will you chill out? it's my mother.
So he asked me again, and I said possibly. Not even really. And he asked with who. And I said its nothing serious, nothing huge. It's not even with a guy. He said Was it her? I said possibly.. but its not even anything. He asked What we did and I told him we had a sleepover and just cuddled the whole night, nothing happened. He said I knew this was going to happen!
I said " I didn't though. It's not like you said you were worried and I said dont worry... and then I went behind your back and did it anyways, like I knew it was going to happen all along. "
He said he can't talk to me now, and he'll call me back later and hung up.
I told her when I was off the phone with him.. and she said that she should stop seeing me like she has been. She said that she's been selfish and messed up a great thing between Kit and I.
I told her she did nothing of the sort. She wasn't selfish, if anything, I was. She didn't mess anything great up. There wasn't anything great. I told her that I liked him.. more as just a friend.. with the title.. and that it says something I haven't done much with him.. Usually I do.. but not with him.
I told her that she is the best thing in the world and nothing compares to her and that she just made my life easier with the decisions. It's not like I haven't been straight this entire lifetime, and now that I have a boyfriend, I decide that I like girls? No. That's not how it is. I have always had feelings for other girls... and right before Kit came along, I was involved with a girl, in a round about sort of way. There's a reason why I wasn't with a guy. I don't like them as much as I love girls.
I have been realizing that I like girls way more then guys, and guys don't do anything for me.
There's so much more that a girl does for me, it's crazy.
For example.. just between these two, She got me roses and a really nice book for graduation, he didn't get me anything. I atleast signed a card for him.
She's just so much more caring, and everything. The conversations we have aren't like the ones that Kit and I have. Kit and I don't have conversations. I have never spoken to him about how much I am in love with him, and how much I miss him all the time, and how we both think of eachother every waking minute.
I know what I have to do.
I am going to deal with it.
I hope he gets mad at me or something, I don't even know. I just don't see Kit and I anymore.
How can I go on with him, when I love her so incredibly much. Everything about her makes me want to hold on to her, and never let go.
It's really something amazing.
She's really amazing, and I never want to leave her.
This summer she is going to be gone, and it's going to be wicked hard, but as soon as I get my license, I am going to where she is, just so I can look in her beautiful eyes, and touch her soft face, and smell her sweet scent, and hold her precious hand, Just for one minute.
I hope that everything works out, right? I mean, this is the right decision?
You say to me that I should go with who my heart choses...