Bittersweet
so I've been going threw alot lately... I almost feel as though I did when I first moved into this apartment... I loved being alone yet I missed the oppertunity for human contact... First with my mum and now with Sean. Yes I hated living with my parents and I hated Sean livign with me for the last month... however I HAD the choise on a day to day basis if I was going to talk to them... now yet again I'm lacking that choise... that is the only thing I miss...
I tried calling my mother on her birthday (the 7th) just to make that attempt in case she dies I would never regret never tying... mind you on the suggestion of others... I blocked my number so that wouldn't be a factor.. and no she didn't pick up.. I say its fate that I'm not supposed to talk to her yet or maybe ever again... however I'm being told that that is just her way of not being able to cope yet... she figured I would block my number and wouldn't answer ANY calls from a private or blocked number.. which also could be which in turn would make me the bigger person for trying in the first place right?
Matt brought over his recliner which we bought together when we were still dateing... and yes it still has my original patch work from over a year and a half ago when we first got it, hence why it was half price... We were at Biglots on Eastern and Windmill across from the WaMu that Geo works at.. Matt always told me that when we moved in together all he cared about was having a recliner...the rest of the decor was up to me, so we spent weeks shopping for a recliner and I hated most of the ones he liked because they were so big... But this one... this one I liked and I remember saying to him while sitting in a pink one while he was checking his other items... "Matt I'd let you get this one... just not in this color" There just happened to be a baige one and a blue one.. Matt liked the blue one however it had two holes in the arm rest, we discussed quietly that it wasn't that bad and that I could sew it back up with ease and no one would ever notice.. the manager of the store piped up rather quickly that we could have it for $100 instead of the $250 it was marked and so we put up all the cash we had and piled it in the back of the bronco which we both loved and drove back to my parents house where I sat in the back of the bronco on the chair with the hatch down, the top off, back of the recliner sitting next to me, and Matt looking on with eager eyes as I patched the chair. I remember sitting in it all the time when I was over at Matt's various apartments, it was my second fav. place to be (the first being on my back, in the bed (LOL)). Now that chair sits in my bedroom, next to my bed, the spot where *my* fav. wingback chair has been since I got it 8 years ago now... My fav. chair is now in my closet and I haven't spent more than 30 seconds sitting in the recliner that has been here since 1:30pm sunday... Yes I love that recliner... maybe I just need to get use to it being in my apartment, get use to the idea that in some respects its exactly where it should be... surrounded by my decor, however Matt is missing from my happy home... Maybe once we know what will happen to him he will open back up to me... he has been a little distant these past few days our conversations have been shorter, and I haven't seen him at all outside picking him up Wednesday night and the 10 mins it took him to bring the chair over... Maybe thats why I'm not sitting in it... Maybe I'm worried and supconsiously smelling him in that chair will just make we miss him more. All I do know is I will hang onto that chair until he asks for it back, no matter what happens. I just hope with the chair Matt will soon follow.
I tried calling my mother on her birthday (the 7th) just to make that attempt in case she dies I would never regret never tying... mind you on the suggestion of others... I blocked my number so that wouldn't be a factor.. and no she didn't pick up.. I say its fate that I'm not supposed to talk to her yet or maybe ever again... however I'm being told that that is just her way of not being able to cope yet... she figured I would block my number and wouldn't answer ANY calls from a private or blocked number.. which also could be which in turn would make me the bigger person for trying in the first place right?
Matt brought over his recliner which we bought together when we were still dateing... and yes it still has my original patch work from over a year and a half ago when we first got it, hence why it was half price... We were at Biglots on Eastern and Windmill across from the WaMu that Geo works at.. Matt always told me that when we moved in together all he cared about was having a recliner...the rest of the decor was up to me, so we spent weeks shopping for a recliner and I hated most of the ones he liked because they were so big... But this one... this one I liked and I remember saying to him while sitting in a pink one while he was checking his other items... "Matt I'd let you get this one... just not in this color" There just happened to be a baige one and a blue one.. Matt liked the blue one however it had two holes in the arm rest, we discussed quietly that it wasn't that bad and that I could sew it back up with ease and no one would ever notice.. the manager of the store piped up rather quickly that we could have it for $100 instead of the $250 it was marked and so we put up all the cash we had and piled it in the back of the bronco which we both loved and drove back to my parents house where I sat in the back of the bronco on the chair with the hatch down, the top off, back of the recliner sitting next to me, and Matt looking on with eager eyes as I patched the chair. I remember sitting in it all the time when I was over at Matt's various apartments, it was my second fav. place to be (the first being on my back, in the bed (LOL)). Now that chair sits in my bedroom, next to my bed, the spot where *my* fav. wingback chair has been since I got it 8 years ago now... My fav. chair is now in my closet and I haven't spent more than 30 seconds sitting in the recliner that has been here since 1:30pm sunday... Yes I love that recliner... maybe I just need to get use to it being in my apartment, get use to the idea that in some respects its exactly where it should be... surrounded by my decor, however Matt is missing from my happy home... Maybe once we know what will happen to him he will open back up to me... he has been a little distant these past few days our conversations have been shorter, and I haven't seen him at all outside picking him up Wednesday night and the 10 mins it took him to bring the chair over... Maybe thats why I'm not sitting in it... Maybe I'm worried and supconsiously smelling him in that chair will just make we miss him more. All I do know is I will hang onto that chair until he asks for it back, no matter what happens. I just hope with the chair Matt will soon follow.