Heart Checks
So, religious and spiritual views expressed ahead. Ya done been warned.
This past week has been interesting for me. We just finished the Family Wellness class that Maryangel had to attend as part of the whole punitive package deal resulting from last year's "Fun with budding Sexual Predators".
A digression here: I find it ironic that suddenly, there are numerous media blitzes regarding bullying in all its forms, including stalking and sexual harrassment.
While I am still certain that duct tape is far more entertaining, I will admit that utilizing the "Rules and Consequences" methods as outlined in Family Wellness yield more cooperation out of Maryangel than the old method of "Grounding and privilege removal". I spend a lot of my time re-asserting control over my volitile temper and praying "Please, God"; sometimes from behind clenched teeth. I also spend a lot of my time fighting "zone outs" in which I will camp out in front of my computer because of the pain levels and battling the rounds of "Oh, my goodness! I didn't think the human body could produce colors like that!" sickies that extreme stress brings on.
I'm also trying not to be a neurotic OCD mom as Maryangel seems to have developed an interest in a young man of 23 years who is the older brother of one of her girl friends here in the complex. It was pointed out to me that she needs to learn how to cope with members of the opposite sex and if I keep her on paranoid lock down, she becomes even more vulnerable as she won't know how to deal with males later on.
Luckily, I have met this boy and spent time with his mom. I've observed his treatment of his sister and his mother. He is respectful, considerate and treats his special needs sister as if she is a treasure to be cherished. So, while I am still anxious, I am comfortable enough to not lock Bit's butt up. I am, however, VERY aware of her interest and of all the possibilities. Therefore, I am all kinds of "nosey" and up in her business.
And I am very aware of just how much Maryangel is her father's daughter. Her emotions run deep and she has an excellent poker face. She also isn't very trusting of the whole idea of God, religion and spirituality. Not in the traditional sense, anyway.
I think a lot of that is my fault. Things in my life happened to cause me to renounce Christianity and the God of Christianity when Maryangel was still a small child. She herself was an unfortunate victim of the crossfire. An innocent bystander who was at ground zero when the blast exploded.
Maryangel became a student of the art of walling your heart in ice at the tender age of 5. She went from a gloriously outgoing and joyful soul to a quiet, watchful and wary soul in the span of 6 weeks. I think that her exposure to some very kind-hearted like-minded souls kept her from morphing into a true introvert.
It was her first exposure to seeing supposedly "devout Christians" turn thier backs on us while the "Sinners" picked us up, took care of our hurts, gave us shelter and gave us love and comfort to see us through a very dark period. That these "Sinners" happened to be a mix of Pagan, Druidic and Wiccan religious faiths was stamped firmly onto her developing pysche. By the time she was exposed to Christianity again, she already had a somewhat firm opinion lurking in the back of her mind, she just didn't articulate it much.
Next, Maryangel's father impressed her with his views on God and religion a great deal. He himself refused to set foot in any church at all, but told Maryangel many times that God wasn't a church. This particular mantra of his was enforced by the fact that he loved to spend much of his free time up in the mountains and would take her along. He would tell her that God was there and that to really be able to talk to God, that's where he went. He impressed upon her that prayer wasn't something that had to be done in front of an altar. He also set the expectation with her that sometimes, God didn't always listen.
These views and impressions she was exposed to in her earliest years. I think she chooses to remember the happy times she had with her father during the year she spent in his custody and leaves the memories of the not so happy times off to the side. I do know that she did spend a lot of time talking to God about her father, right up until we got word of his death.
Maryangel was devastated by her father's death. It hasn't helped that I could not maintain civil contact with the rest of his family.
It also did not help that I had turned somewhat jaded and bitter in my views.
Blood family is quite the interesting, complex vehicle that frequently smashes over us, leaving devastation in its wake. Blood family can cause enormous and long lasting emotional pain and suffering to us. Often times, it's not something that is deliberately done. It just happens because "that's the way it's been for years and years". It happens because an older generation inadvertantly punishes the children of the generation below them because of rifts created during "Life happened".
As a child, I never understood how it could be that the people I loved so dearly could not or would not love me back just as dearly. As children, we don't have the ability or the emotional capacity to comprehend something like that. Even when we reach adult hood, we sometimes never learn to cope with that concept. When a child is also more intelligent and more sensitive that the average kidlet, the ramifications of such a concept are mournfully sad.
I will turn 43 this year and I *FINALLY* got a straight answer to the question of "why?" after I turned 42. That answer ruthlessly and brutally tore open every scar on my heart and soul that I have had in regards to certain people in my blood family. It also irrevocably changed how I view my relationships with certain others in the blood family circle. It reinforced the fortifications I have spent many years building around my heart and granted new life to that little voice that whispers "Be careful. Trust no one. Tread carefully. Let the burned bridges stay burned."
It is unfortunate that Maryangel is extremely perceptive, observant and intelligent in some instances. She never asks, never comments, but those eyes watch me and never seem to miss a thing. She *just knows* when I have been crying, when I have been praying hard and when I *stopped* trying to re-build connections severed long ago.
Her perception is that if God really cared, then God wouldn't let such heart aches occur, or let such tragedies or injustices occur. She hasn't been alive long enough to go through the experiences that will teach her that it isn't that God let anything happen. God gave us freewill and choice. We are the ones who choose the paths that lead to those heart aches, tragedies and injustices. Theoretically, if we learn from these things, God is there to help us cope and to help us choose better paths. Life is the only thing that will teach Maryangel these lessons.
My views on religion, God and spirituality don't help hers. However, I am not going to waste my time feeling guilty about what I cannot change. The best that I can do is to let her see me practice my views and give her the opportunity to make up her own mind. And pray a lot. Because I have to go carefully with my cub after the mistakes she's seen me make. She is her father's daughter.
If I could have a "Do-over", I would like to be able to tell her father I get it now and let him know how much I love him for trying to cope with me back in the day, despite all the mistakes that were made by both of us. Perhaps, I try so hard with Don now because much of his behaviorial responses parallel my own back then.
If I could have a "Do-over", I would like to be able to confront the people in my blood family who, either consciously or unconsciously, saw fit to punish innocent children for the imagined "crimes" of thier parents. The punishment spanned 46 years and has left it's mark upon both myself and my brother. Our views of what the importance of family means has been irrevocably skewed, marred and crippled because of it. Because of it, we never stood a chance at all, really, in being able to form strong, lasting and healthy emotional bonds with others in our blood family that we should have. It robbed us of what many members of our blood family now enjoy today. It robbed us of learning the ability to form important connections with our own children and our spouses.
When I observe the relationships between members of my blood family today, I am envious and sad because I can never have that with them. All because of some little thing that happened before I or my brother were ever born that hardened hearts and colored emotional responses black with an insidious, subtle, destructive evil that God had nothing to do with despite the fact that the evil was done in the name of God and continued to be done in God's name over the past 46 years.
This is the inherent problem that Maryangel has with God and Christianity in general: The evil that Humanity does in the name of God. Big, small, blantant, subtle, whatever; Religious views are spouted like lava from a volcano, people get hurt and at the center of it, claim's of "God's righteousness". She has not yet learned the painful lesson I have: Religion is not God. Man's interpretations of the Bible are not God. God is not uncaring or inattentative. God is also not belligerently invasive, therefore, we have to learn how to listen for His Voice. Part of that learning is using the bible as it was intended; a guide to how to hear God's voice and how to walk the path He has set before you.
It's hard to explain these concepts to her when I, like her father, won't step foot inside a church. Perhaps it is hypocritical of me, but churches remind me of the evil that men do in the name of God. I cannot comfortably abide them.
Stick me in the middle of an SCA gathering where there's an impromptu spiritual celebration and no one cares by what name you call God only that you acknowledge the wonderousness of the blessings bestowed upon you and you are faithful and obiedent to that God, why, then, I'm happy as a clam in sand. Peaceful, too.
Stick me in a conversation with a Christian who is baffled by the reaction of a young mother who just had to bury her child because they told that mother should praise God that her child is in Heaven and I want to go buy lots and lots of duct tape and/or scream. Mom's not thinking happy thoughts at that moment. Mom is thinking she wants to join the child, that's how much she hurts and God isn't expecting praise at that moment. God is standing there with His arms open, weeping for her loss and murmuring to her "Oh, my dearest daughter, I am so sorry for your loss. Come here to me and let me hold you and grieve with you." I haven't met many Christians who sincerely get that.
It is ironic that everything I have learned about God, forgiveness and waking a spiritual path, I learned from 2 Druids, a Wiccan and a, well, I don't really know what she is for sure, but she is more of a wolf's daughter than I am sometimes. That isn't to say that I haven't learned anything about God from Christians. There is an interesting Aussie preacher that I love to follow as he leads his flock by example and is quick to use his own spiritual struggles and lessons to impart to us that it's not up to us to decide the definition of scriptures. It is our responsibility to read the bible as a guide to learning to hear God's voice and then spend time in prayer and meditation *listening* to God's voice direct us on our paths.
How many of us actually do this? How many of us actually use the bible as a guide to learning to hear God's voice and spend that time in prayer and meditation, awaiting instructions on what that scripture means in terms of how we are to walk the path God has laid out for us? How many of us, instead, depend on the preachers and spiritual leaders of the church to interpret the scriptures for us without questioning? How many of us have become blind sheep? How many of us have turned into the Pharisees of Jesus' time?
When you are admonished to check your heart for God's control and fixing, these are questions that should be answered by the very individuals making the admonitions.
I cannot in good conscience instruct Maryangel to let God fix her heart because she is not ready to allow God's voice to reassure her and tell her the truth: That He had nothing to do with the evil done in His name and that He has *ALWAYS* heard her cries and prayers, that He has grieved, railed, wept, and screamed over each and every hurt done to her in His name, that He stands, yet again weeping, arms open and aching to hold her and grieve with her and begin the healing. That He holds me and weeps with me and worries with me and frets with me and paces with me and wrings His hands as I wring mine as I pray and pray and pray for her. That He sends His angels to guard her steps and to ring the alarm bells when I am needed to interfere. That He sends His love in tangible ways, trying to get her attention, and when He doesn't, He just keeps trying and never gives up on her.
It took Him nearly 41 years to get my attention again. I'm hoping it doesn't take that long with Maryangel. God keeps sending people into her life to go "Hello! God isn't who you think He is! Are you ready to listen to the truth?". I'm trying not to interfere with it by pushing her too hard or with falling back into my old, cynical habits. Luckily, I seem to have this collection of "Angels with Crooked Halos in disguise" around us. (Larry, Robert, the therapist, the case manager, her new school counselor, ect) They are helping her learn the concepts of "The importance of Family" and "Choices and consequences". I'm happy they are there as I have no clue how to teach her about the importance of family ties and relationships. I can teach her about the importance of learning how to read people and thier intent. But when it comes to teaching her that it is important to have relationships with extended family like aunts, uncles, and cousins, I'm probably the worst choice of teachers.
All because of something that happened before I was born, but for which the blame was placed squarely upon my shoulders and the shoulders of my brother. When I was a child, I was innocent enough of the blame. When I became an adult, I made things worse through the choices in Life I made. What's that old saying "If I can't get good attention, I'll get bad attention"?
Now that I think about it, if a "Do-over" *WAS* possible, I believe I would demand a DNA test then post the results in gianormous letters for the world to see.
At best, I still struggle with forgiveness issues in relation to certain people in my blood family. Sometimes, these things with Maryangel will hit an open wound and along with the pain comes that old familiar rage. God hands me crockery to throw the lets me cry on His shoulder when the tantrum fades and all that's left is the grief for the loss of what I never had.
As for the rest of it, well, let me remind you of the fact that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Along with that, let me point out that the horse may know something you don't, so leave it be. If ya wanna do something, why then, do something productive, like take off the saddle, the blanket and the bridle; then find a nice grooming brush and spend some time maintaining the coat, mane and tail. A well-cared for horse is a happy, and therefore more cooperative, horse.
And I really, really need coffee now.
ME
This past week has been interesting for me. We just finished the Family Wellness class that Maryangel had to attend as part of the whole punitive package deal resulting from last year's "Fun with budding Sexual Predators".
A digression here: I find it ironic that suddenly, there are numerous media blitzes regarding bullying in all its forms, including stalking and sexual harrassment.
While I am still certain that duct tape is far more entertaining, I will admit that utilizing the "Rules and Consequences" methods as outlined in Family Wellness yield more cooperation out of Maryangel than the old method of "Grounding and privilege removal". I spend a lot of my time re-asserting control over my volitile temper and praying "Please, God"; sometimes from behind clenched teeth. I also spend a lot of my time fighting "zone outs" in which I will camp out in front of my computer because of the pain levels and battling the rounds of "Oh, my goodness! I didn't think the human body could produce colors like that!" sickies that extreme stress brings on.
I'm also trying not to be a neurotic OCD mom as Maryangel seems to have developed an interest in a young man of 23 years who is the older brother of one of her girl friends here in the complex. It was pointed out to me that she needs to learn how to cope with members of the opposite sex and if I keep her on paranoid lock down, she becomes even more vulnerable as she won't know how to deal with males later on.
Luckily, I have met this boy and spent time with his mom. I've observed his treatment of his sister and his mother. He is respectful, considerate and treats his special needs sister as if she is a treasure to be cherished. So, while I am still anxious, I am comfortable enough to not lock Bit's butt up. I am, however, VERY aware of her interest and of all the possibilities. Therefore, I am all kinds of "nosey" and up in her business.
And I am very aware of just how much Maryangel is her father's daughter. Her emotions run deep and she has an excellent poker face. She also isn't very trusting of the whole idea of God, religion and spirituality. Not in the traditional sense, anyway.
I think a lot of that is my fault. Things in my life happened to cause me to renounce Christianity and the God of Christianity when Maryangel was still a small child. She herself was an unfortunate victim of the crossfire. An innocent bystander who was at ground zero when the blast exploded.
Maryangel became a student of the art of walling your heart in ice at the tender age of 5. She went from a gloriously outgoing and joyful soul to a quiet, watchful and wary soul in the span of 6 weeks. I think that her exposure to some very kind-hearted like-minded souls kept her from morphing into a true introvert.
It was her first exposure to seeing supposedly "devout Christians" turn thier backs on us while the "Sinners" picked us up, took care of our hurts, gave us shelter and gave us love and comfort to see us through a very dark period. That these "Sinners" happened to be a mix of Pagan, Druidic and Wiccan religious faiths was stamped firmly onto her developing pysche. By the time she was exposed to Christianity again, she already had a somewhat firm opinion lurking in the back of her mind, she just didn't articulate it much.
Next, Maryangel's father impressed her with his views on God and religion a great deal. He himself refused to set foot in any church at all, but told Maryangel many times that God wasn't a church. This particular mantra of his was enforced by the fact that he loved to spend much of his free time up in the mountains and would take her along. He would tell her that God was there and that to really be able to talk to God, that's where he went. He impressed upon her that prayer wasn't something that had to be done in front of an altar. He also set the expectation with her that sometimes, God didn't always listen.
These views and impressions she was exposed to in her earliest years. I think she chooses to remember the happy times she had with her father during the year she spent in his custody and leaves the memories of the not so happy times off to the side. I do know that she did spend a lot of time talking to God about her father, right up until we got word of his death.
Maryangel was devastated by her father's death. It hasn't helped that I could not maintain civil contact with the rest of his family.
It also did not help that I had turned somewhat jaded and bitter in my views.
Blood family is quite the interesting, complex vehicle that frequently smashes over us, leaving devastation in its wake. Blood family can cause enormous and long lasting emotional pain and suffering to us. Often times, it's not something that is deliberately done. It just happens because "that's the way it's been for years and years". It happens because an older generation inadvertantly punishes the children of the generation below them because of rifts created during "Life happened".
As a child, I never understood how it could be that the people I loved so dearly could not or would not love me back just as dearly. As children, we don't have the ability or the emotional capacity to comprehend something like that. Even when we reach adult hood, we sometimes never learn to cope with that concept. When a child is also more intelligent and more sensitive that the average kidlet, the ramifications of such a concept are mournfully sad.
I will turn 43 this year and I *FINALLY* got a straight answer to the question of "why?" after I turned 42. That answer ruthlessly and brutally tore open every scar on my heart and soul that I have had in regards to certain people in my blood family. It also irrevocably changed how I view my relationships with certain others in the blood family circle. It reinforced the fortifications I have spent many years building around my heart and granted new life to that little voice that whispers "Be careful. Trust no one. Tread carefully. Let the burned bridges stay burned."
It is unfortunate that Maryangel is extremely perceptive, observant and intelligent in some instances. She never asks, never comments, but those eyes watch me and never seem to miss a thing. She *just knows* when I have been crying, when I have been praying hard and when I *stopped* trying to re-build connections severed long ago.
Her perception is that if God really cared, then God wouldn't let such heart aches occur, or let such tragedies or injustices occur. She hasn't been alive long enough to go through the experiences that will teach her that it isn't that God let anything happen. God gave us freewill and choice. We are the ones who choose the paths that lead to those heart aches, tragedies and injustices. Theoretically, if we learn from these things, God is there to help us cope and to help us choose better paths. Life is the only thing that will teach Maryangel these lessons.
My views on religion, God and spirituality don't help hers. However, I am not going to waste my time feeling guilty about what I cannot change. The best that I can do is to let her see me practice my views and give her the opportunity to make up her own mind. And pray a lot. Because I have to go carefully with my cub after the mistakes she's seen me make. She is her father's daughter.
If I could have a "Do-over", I would like to be able to tell her father I get it now and let him know how much I love him for trying to cope with me back in the day, despite all the mistakes that were made by both of us. Perhaps, I try so hard with Don now because much of his behaviorial responses parallel my own back then.
If I could have a "Do-over", I would like to be able to confront the people in my blood family who, either consciously or unconsciously, saw fit to punish innocent children for the imagined "crimes" of thier parents. The punishment spanned 46 years and has left it's mark upon both myself and my brother. Our views of what the importance of family means has been irrevocably skewed, marred and crippled because of it. Because of it, we never stood a chance at all, really, in being able to form strong, lasting and healthy emotional bonds with others in our blood family that we should have. It robbed us of what many members of our blood family now enjoy today. It robbed us of learning the ability to form important connections with our own children and our spouses.
When I observe the relationships between members of my blood family today, I am envious and sad because I can never have that with them. All because of some little thing that happened before I or my brother were ever born that hardened hearts and colored emotional responses black with an insidious, subtle, destructive evil that God had nothing to do with despite the fact that the evil was done in the name of God and continued to be done in God's name over the past 46 years.
This is the inherent problem that Maryangel has with God and Christianity in general: The evil that Humanity does in the name of God. Big, small, blantant, subtle, whatever; Religious views are spouted like lava from a volcano, people get hurt and at the center of it, claim's of "God's righteousness". She has not yet learned the painful lesson I have: Religion is not God. Man's interpretations of the Bible are not God. God is not uncaring or inattentative. God is also not belligerently invasive, therefore, we have to learn how to listen for His Voice. Part of that learning is using the bible as it was intended; a guide to how to hear God's voice and how to walk the path He has set before you.
It's hard to explain these concepts to her when I, like her father, won't step foot inside a church. Perhaps it is hypocritical of me, but churches remind me of the evil that men do in the name of God. I cannot comfortably abide them.
Stick me in the middle of an SCA gathering where there's an impromptu spiritual celebration and no one cares by what name you call God only that you acknowledge the wonderousness of the blessings bestowed upon you and you are faithful and obiedent to that God, why, then, I'm happy as a clam in sand. Peaceful, too.
Stick me in a conversation with a Christian who is baffled by the reaction of a young mother who just had to bury her child because they told that mother should praise God that her child is in Heaven and I want to go buy lots and lots of duct tape and/or scream. Mom's not thinking happy thoughts at that moment. Mom is thinking she wants to join the child, that's how much she hurts and God isn't expecting praise at that moment. God is standing there with His arms open, weeping for her loss and murmuring to her "Oh, my dearest daughter, I am so sorry for your loss. Come here to me and let me hold you and grieve with you." I haven't met many Christians who sincerely get that.
It is ironic that everything I have learned about God, forgiveness and waking a spiritual path, I learned from 2 Druids, a Wiccan and a, well, I don't really know what she is for sure, but she is more of a wolf's daughter than I am sometimes. That isn't to say that I haven't learned anything about God from Christians. There is an interesting Aussie preacher that I love to follow as he leads his flock by example and is quick to use his own spiritual struggles and lessons to impart to us that it's not up to us to decide the definition of scriptures. It is our responsibility to read the bible as a guide to learning to hear God's voice and then spend time in prayer and meditation *listening* to God's voice direct us on our paths.
How many of us actually do this? How many of us actually use the bible as a guide to learning to hear God's voice and spend that time in prayer and meditation, awaiting instructions on what that scripture means in terms of how we are to walk the path God has laid out for us? How many of us, instead, depend on the preachers and spiritual leaders of the church to interpret the scriptures for us without questioning? How many of us have become blind sheep? How many of us have turned into the Pharisees of Jesus' time?
When you are admonished to check your heart for God's control and fixing, these are questions that should be answered by the very individuals making the admonitions.
I cannot in good conscience instruct Maryangel to let God fix her heart because she is not ready to allow God's voice to reassure her and tell her the truth: That He had nothing to do with the evil done in His name and that He has *ALWAYS* heard her cries and prayers, that He has grieved, railed, wept, and screamed over each and every hurt done to her in His name, that He stands, yet again weeping, arms open and aching to hold her and grieve with her and begin the healing. That He holds me and weeps with me and worries with me and frets with me and paces with me and wrings His hands as I wring mine as I pray and pray and pray for her. That He sends His angels to guard her steps and to ring the alarm bells when I am needed to interfere. That He sends His love in tangible ways, trying to get her attention, and when He doesn't, He just keeps trying and never gives up on her.
It took Him nearly 41 years to get my attention again. I'm hoping it doesn't take that long with Maryangel. God keeps sending people into her life to go "Hello! God isn't who you think He is! Are you ready to listen to the truth?". I'm trying not to interfere with it by pushing her too hard or with falling back into my old, cynical habits. Luckily, I seem to have this collection of "Angels with Crooked Halos in disguise" around us. (Larry, Robert, the therapist, the case manager, her new school counselor, ect) They are helping her learn the concepts of "The importance of Family" and "Choices and consequences". I'm happy they are there as I have no clue how to teach her about the importance of family ties and relationships. I can teach her about the importance of learning how to read people and thier intent. But when it comes to teaching her that it is important to have relationships with extended family like aunts, uncles, and cousins, I'm probably the worst choice of teachers.
All because of something that happened before I was born, but for which the blame was placed squarely upon my shoulders and the shoulders of my brother. When I was a child, I was innocent enough of the blame. When I became an adult, I made things worse through the choices in Life I made. What's that old saying "If I can't get good attention, I'll get bad attention"?
Now that I think about it, if a "Do-over" *WAS* possible, I believe I would demand a DNA test then post the results in gianormous letters for the world to see.
At best, I still struggle with forgiveness issues in relation to certain people in my blood family. Sometimes, these things with Maryangel will hit an open wound and along with the pain comes that old familiar rage. God hands me crockery to throw the lets me cry on His shoulder when the tantrum fades and all that's left is the grief for the loss of what I never had.
As for the rest of it, well, let me remind you of the fact that you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. Along with that, let me point out that the horse may know something you don't, so leave it be. If ya wanna do something, why then, do something productive, like take off the saddle, the blanket and the bridle; then find a nice grooming brush and spend some time maintaining the coat, mane and tail. A well-cared for horse is a happy, and therefore more cooperative, horse.
And I really, really need coffee now.
ME