When Real Life Meets Petty Concerns
I think that working graveyard shift makes Esme sit in the driver's seat of my mind more than I'd really like to admit.
Saturday, I *finally* went to the Emergency Room because, well, my nose was rather sore from the repeated meetings it had with various floor like surfaces in my home and the pain in my lower right flank was screaming at me in tones that just could not be ignored any longer.
One double shot of morphine, a cat scan and several hours later, the good news is that my sole surviving kidney is no worse than it was and no better. Ergo, the sudden drops in my blood pressure and pulse resulting in the fainting spells was not indicitive of a worsening of the condition. The bad news is that the cat scan turned up a mass on the bottom part of my right lung. Further inspection by the doctor determined that part of that lower quadrant is "somewhat collapsed" and that this could be a result of residual scarring from the pnuemonia I had in October that still seems to be giving me residual respiratory issues. It was explained to me that this is an explanation for the excrutiating pain that goes spasming across my lower right back and that it is not, in fact, anything to do with my kidney this time.
The doctor went to great lengths to explain to me that he felt that the pnuemonia and possible scarring was the most likely culprit in his mind to explain the mass on my lung. Then he very carefully explained to me that there was a test I needed to have that they could not do in the ER, called a PET scan, that would rule out cancer. Or, rule it in.
Now, I have to point out that having had a double dose of morphine I was quite thoroughly stoned and very, very mellow. My initial reaction to this bit of "Let's deliver the bad news with a positive spin on it" schickt was to sort of blink at the good doctor, then shrug and say "Well, if it turns out to be cancer, let's hope I am lucky enough for it to kill me quickly".
That got me the fish eye from the doctor and fussing from the cute little blonde nurse intern who held my hand and asked me if there was someone she could call for me.
Her kindness was nearly my undoing, for it was sincere, honest, heartfelt and in that moment, I could see that she was still new enough to the field of nursing to pull her patients into her heart and love them unconditionally and passionately and with all the hope her Healer's nature demanded she pour out of her soul. In that moment, I found myself praying that God would wrap her in His protection and let His grace shine out of her like a floodlight in the darkness as she progresses in her career.
I spared a few minutes to feel sorry for myself as I waited for my uncle to come pick me up. I spoke with my mother on the phone and did a passable job of downplaying the whole thing. I have been in the position of "Is there someone I can call for you?" when it comes to the doctors attempting to soften some bit of news they think is going to bring me to my proverbial knees more than once over the past few years. This time around, I don't believe I gave it more than a passing snort of "Please, do not patronize me" and shoved it to one side of my mind for later introspection.
Of course, being completely stoned on morphine, this was the opportune time for Don to pick a fight with me, over the very issues that I am having coniptions at him about.
Ah, the irony.
Especially when all I could do was stare, blink in bemusement and just sort of feel "Meh" about the whole situation.
In the meantime, Esme was rolling on the floor, laughing her collective ass off in one corner of my mind while I and what little coherent thought I could muster said "Oh, do be quiet!".
Sunday and Monday night's runs were pretty slow and crappy. I took Tuesday night off, as today I had to go to a defensive driving class that lasted all day. I took tonight off as well. On the plus side, I have a shiny certificate that can get me extra discounts on car insurance.
On the down side, I'm totally exhausted and I still have no clue how I am supposed to arrange for this "PET SCAN" thing that seems to be more important than the doctor wanted to divulge as I got a follow up voice mail from the ER staff going "We just wanted to find out if you have had a chance to schedule a follow up visit with your doctor regarding your recent ER visit" on my cell phone.
With this ticking away in my brain like a bomb, other things that have been happening this week have paled in comparison. A few items on the list that suddenly seem irrelevant in the grand scheme of Life and the Universe:
1. Don
2. Don's not having a job
3. Unfinished crochet projects
4. My desk needing to be dusted.
5. The laundry needing to be done
6. General housecleaning
7. The annoying spam email thingy that seems to be going out from my Yahoo email that I keep trying to eradicate
8. Numerous petty and sundry items and things too numerous to list
In contrast, a few items that seem suddenly desperately important to pay attention to:
1. Maryangel
2. Careful and meticulous inspection of itchy spots Maryangel complained about on her back
3. Playing with Maryangel's hair as we watched a movie.
4. Ignoring the clock that said it was Maryangel's bedtime in favor of watching our favorite TV show recorded on DVR.
5. Further ignoring the clock in favor of viewing clips of another favorite tv show.
6. Making Maryangel, and also Don, laugh thier asses off by pointing out how silly something he was doing was as he got ready to go to Keith's.
7. The ice cream truck and letting Maryangel in on the secret of the coffee can stash in my desk & having ice cream cones while being silly.
8. Marvelling over the dog eating a lime flavored fruit pop and the cat demanding to be fed slivers of BBQ potato chips.
9. Listening to Don and Maryangel do dishes
10. Listening to Don and Maryangel make Dinner.
11. Pondering what it would be like to be Dead.
12. Pondering what it would be like to actually say to people what is on my mind when it is on my mind and not worrying about the consequences.
13. Feeling an odd sort of peace that God has already fixed everything and all I have to do is just trust.
Right now, I am enjoying the relative peace and quiet in my house. Criminal Minds is playing on the DVR. Don is at Keith's. Maryangel is in bed. The worries of the week seem incdonsequential and petty next to the stark realizations that tonight may be the last night I am alive on this earth. I may go to sleep tonight and never, ever wake up again.
The point is, the time we are each given on this earth is measured in heart beats. 'Twixt one and the next, we could be gone, or we could be given yet another heartbeat, another breath. These are the true blessings we have been gifted with. Nothing else matters.
Tonight, I just want to worry about nothing in particular. I smell lilac and honey suckle and I want to bask in the sensation of the sweetness those scents evoke.
Of the Blessings God has gifted me with this day.
The rest of it, well, really, it's irrelevant when you actually stop and really think about it.
ME
Saturday, I *finally* went to the Emergency Room because, well, my nose was rather sore from the repeated meetings it had with various floor like surfaces in my home and the pain in my lower right flank was screaming at me in tones that just could not be ignored any longer.
One double shot of morphine, a cat scan and several hours later, the good news is that my sole surviving kidney is no worse than it was and no better. Ergo, the sudden drops in my blood pressure and pulse resulting in the fainting spells was not indicitive of a worsening of the condition. The bad news is that the cat scan turned up a mass on the bottom part of my right lung. Further inspection by the doctor determined that part of that lower quadrant is "somewhat collapsed" and that this could be a result of residual scarring from the pnuemonia I had in October that still seems to be giving me residual respiratory issues. It was explained to me that this is an explanation for the excrutiating pain that goes spasming across my lower right back and that it is not, in fact, anything to do with my kidney this time.
The doctor went to great lengths to explain to me that he felt that the pnuemonia and possible scarring was the most likely culprit in his mind to explain the mass on my lung. Then he very carefully explained to me that there was a test I needed to have that they could not do in the ER, called a PET scan, that would rule out cancer. Or, rule it in.
Now, I have to point out that having had a double dose of morphine I was quite thoroughly stoned and very, very mellow. My initial reaction to this bit of "Let's deliver the bad news with a positive spin on it" schickt was to sort of blink at the good doctor, then shrug and say "Well, if it turns out to be cancer, let's hope I am lucky enough for it to kill me quickly".
That got me the fish eye from the doctor and fussing from the cute little blonde nurse intern who held my hand and asked me if there was someone she could call for me.
Her kindness was nearly my undoing, for it was sincere, honest, heartfelt and in that moment, I could see that she was still new enough to the field of nursing to pull her patients into her heart and love them unconditionally and passionately and with all the hope her Healer's nature demanded she pour out of her soul. In that moment, I found myself praying that God would wrap her in His protection and let His grace shine out of her like a floodlight in the darkness as she progresses in her career.
I spared a few minutes to feel sorry for myself as I waited for my uncle to come pick me up. I spoke with my mother on the phone and did a passable job of downplaying the whole thing. I have been in the position of "Is there someone I can call for you?" when it comes to the doctors attempting to soften some bit of news they think is going to bring me to my proverbial knees more than once over the past few years. This time around, I don't believe I gave it more than a passing snort of "Please, do not patronize me" and shoved it to one side of my mind for later introspection.
Of course, being completely stoned on morphine, this was the opportune time for Don to pick a fight with me, over the very issues that I am having coniptions at him about.
Ah, the irony.
Especially when all I could do was stare, blink in bemusement and just sort of feel "Meh" about the whole situation.
In the meantime, Esme was rolling on the floor, laughing her collective ass off in one corner of my mind while I and what little coherent thought I could muster said "Oh, do be quiet!".
Sunday and Monday night's runs were pretty slow and crappy. I took Tuesday night off, as today I had to go to a defensive driving class that lasted all day. I took tonight off as well. On the plus side, I have a shiny certificate that can get me extra discounts on car insurance.
On the down side, I'm totally exhausted and I still have no clue how I am supposed to arrange for this "PET SCAN" thing that seems to be more important than the doctor wanted to divulge as I got a follow up voice mail from the ER staff going "We just wanted to find out if you have had a chance to schedule a follow up visit with your doctor regarding your recent ER visit" on my cell phone.
With this ticking away in my brain like a bomb, other things that have been happening this week have paled in comparison. A few items on the list that suddenly seem irrelevant in the grand scheme of Life and the Universe:
1. Don
2. Don's not having a job
3. Unfinished crochet projects
4. My desk needing to be dusted.
5. The laundry needing to be done
6. General housecleaning
7. The annoying spam email thingy that seems to be going out from my Yahoo email that I keep trying to eradicate
8. Numerous petty and sundry items and things too numerous to list
In contrast, a few items that seem suddenly desperately important to pay attention to:
1. Maryangel
2. Careful and meticulous inspection of itchy spots Maryangel complained about on her back
3. Playing with Maryangel's hair as we watched a movie.
4. Ignoring the clock that said it was Maryangel's bedtime in favor of watching our favorite TV show recorded on DVR.
5. Further ignoring the clock in favor of viewing clips of another favorite tv show.
6. Making Maryangel, and also Don, laugh thier asses off by pointing out how silly something he was doing was as he got ready to go to Keith's.
7. The ice cream truck and letting Maryangel in on the secret of the coffee can stash in my desk & having ice cream cones while being silly.
8. Marvelling over the dog eating a lime flavored fruit pop and the cat demanding to be fed slivers of BBQ potato chips.
9. Listening to Don and Maryangel do dishes
10. Listening to Don and Maryangel make Dinner.
11. Pondering what it would be like to be Dead.
12. Pondering what it would be like to actually say to people what is on my mind when it is on my mind and not worrying about the consequences.
13. Feeling an odd sort of peace that God has already fixed everything and all I have to do is just trust.
Right now, I am enjoying the relative peace and quiet in my house. Criminal Minds is playing on the DVR. Don is at Keith's. Maryangel is in bed. The worries of the week seem incdonsequential and petty next to the stark realizations that tonight may be the last night I am alive on this earth. I may go to sleep tonight and never, ever wake up again.
The point is, the time we are each given on this earth is measured in heart beats. 'Twixt one and the next, we could be gone, or we could be given yet another heartbeat, another breath. These are the true blessings we have been gifted with. Nothing else matters.
Tonight, I just want to worry about nothing in particular. I smell lilac and honey suckle and I want to bask in the sensation of the sweetness those scents evoke.
Of the Blessings God has gifted me with this day.
The rest of it, well, really, it's irrelevant when you actually stop and really think about it.
ME