Who cares?
No one who read this once reads any more.... I have disappeared more or less.... and now that I need a place to dump my agitated thoughts I turn here. Once again to my journal. How rare are my moments of triumph recorded, how rare is it that I can actually record my joys and delights.
Instead I once again add to the treasure trove of uncertainty and angst.
Kyle tried to friend me on facebook.
I declined and sent a message saying 'thanks, but no thanks. No hard feelings, but I'm not going to be friends with you or talk to you because you freaking scare me!'. Of course it was quite elegant and witty. He responds with a message:
"well that was an interesting note. i am sorry for whatever hell i put u through i am not sure what it was that i did to u that was sooo bad. dinah is not around she left me in december. u also haunt my dreams almost nightly as u have for the last ten years i am glad u r married and happy with a beautiful child. were u and i differ is the memories i have are great i loved being with u. this attempt to friend u may have also been in vain but i do wonder about u and hope u r well. i ll try ot to take offence to this and i can understand. as for my joy and laughter it is fleating much like tring to hold the sands of time now and then i can catch a few grains but never enough to hold on too. i do pray that we may be friends once again sometimes i could use a friend like u who understands me and knows some of what i have been through once again i send u on your way as i did befor in hopes for a better life one that u deserve"
Yeah - I wonder why I didn't keep this charmer.
He's in my nightmares again. His visage haunts my dreams. I wake feeling that the day is darker and the paranoia is mounting. I shoot off a 'good, glad you got the idea, take care and have a good life' and then he sends me another one.
Dinah divorced him less than six months after marrying him. Now my curiosity is piqued. What the hell? Who marries a guy and divorces in less than six months? What did he do? (since I'm prone to think it was him!) Did he hit her (a possibility) did she see too much of me in him (also a possibility... he sounds pretty... obsessed) did she cheat on him (he wouldn't... the one redeeming quality is he is loyal to a fault) what the hell happened?
So option1.) He is trying to be friendly because he has ulterior motives. He's obsessive (I've seen it before) he's also hurting and often hurting people will revert to old habits.
Option 2.) He's just trying to be friends. (not likely, but he does try to be friends with every person he meets).
Option 3.) I need to just ignore him, re-block him and get on with my life.
Problem 1 - do I tell Chad about this? He despises Kyle. Hates him with a vengeance. And he doesn't even know the depths to which Kyle fucked with my mind... I kept alot to myself. Also he's terribly jealous. He'd hate the fact that I messaged him in the first place, let alone said anything half way nice (have a nice life-ish) and he'll obsess that Kyle's trying to get back with me (which will happen when hell freezes over.).
Problem 2 - this isn't the first time I've hidden something Kyle related from Chad.
August 2006 I ran into him at my hometown festival, My little sister helped me avoid a fight by saying 'not now, this isn't the time or place'. He took that to mean that we'd talk later, so okay - we met up secretly and we talked for several hours about everything and anything. I was still bitter and angry so I'm afraid that I placed total blame on him. Chad called just before I went to meet him and asked what I was up to that night. I was mostly truthful. "Going downtown." "Oh, are you going with anyone?" "mmmm... nope." Liar.Fibber.
July 2009 I found a cd that his aunt had lent to me (the funny things you find when unpacking!) and after much fruitless searching I gave up and pmed him for their last name. That turned into a friendly 'hi, how are you?' conversation. I never told Chad of that.
2009-2010 He's been in my dreams. Never happy ones... as if I would ever have a happy dream... but always in nightmares or he'll show up and make me feel guilty, sad, shameful. I haven't told Chad that either.
Where is the line between lying by omission to keep things running smoothly and lying and hiding one's life from the other person (a la The Smiths)?
I feel that I walk on the edge of a knife... one wrong turn will send me tumbling into the abyss.
Instead I once again add to the treasure trove of uncertainty and angst.
Kyle tried to friend me on facebook.
I declined and sent a message saying 'thanks, but no thanks. No hard feelings, but I'm not going to be friends with you or talk to you because you freaking scare me!'. Of course it was quite elegant and witty. He responds with a message:
"well that was an interesting note. i am sorry for whatever hell i put u through i am not sure what it was that i did to u that was sooo bad. dinah is not around she left me in december. u also haunt my dreams almost nightly as u have for the last ten years i am glad u r married and happy with a beautiful child. were u and i differ is the memories i have are great i loved being with u. this attempt to friend u may have also been in vain but i do wonder about u and hope u r well. i ll try ot to take offence to this and i can understand. as for my joy and laughter it is fleating much like tring to hold the sands of time now and then i can catch a few grains but never enough to hold on too. i do pray that we may be friends once again sometimes i could use a friend like u who understands me and knows some of what i have been through once again i send u on your way as i did befor in hopes for a better life one that u deserve"
Yeah - I wonder why I didn't keep this charmer.
He's in my nightmares again. His visage haunts my dreams. I wake feeling that the day is darker and the paranoia is mounting. I shoot off a 'good, glad you got the idea, take care and have a good life' and then he sends me another one.
Dinah divorced him less than six months after marrying him. Now my curiosity is piqued. What the hell? Who marries a guy and divorces in less than six months? What did he do? (since I'm prone to think it was him!) Did he hit her (a possibility) did she see too much of me in him (also a possibility... he sounds pretty... obsessed) did she cheat on him (he wouldn't... the one redeeming quality is he is loyal to a fault) what the hell happened?
So option1.) He is trying to be friendly because he has ulterior motives. He's obsessive (I've seen it before) he's also hurting and often hurting people will revert to old habits.
Option 2.) He's just trying to be friends. (not likely, but he does try to be friends with every person he meets).
Option 3.) I need to just ignore him, re-block him and get on with my life.
Problem 1 - do I tell Chad about this? He despises Kyle. Hates him with a vengeance. And he doesn't even know the depths to which Kyle fucked with my mind... I kept alot to myself. Also he's terribly jealous. He'd hate the fact that I messaged him in the first place, let alone said anything half way nice (have a nice life-ish) and he'll obsess that Kyle's trying to get back with me (which will happen when hell freezes over.).
Problem 2 - this isn't the first time I've hidden something Kyle related from Chad.
August 2006 I ran into him at my hometown festival, My little sister helped me avoid a fight by saying 'not now, this isn't the time or place'. He took that to mean that we'd talk later, so okay - we met up secretly and we talked for several hours about everything and anything. I was still bitter and angry so I'm afraid that I placed total blame on him. Chad called just before I went to meet him and asked what I was up to that night. I was mostly truthful. "Going downtown." "Oh, are you going with anyone?" "mmmm... nope." Liar.Fibber.
July 2009 I found a cd that his aunt had lent to me (the funny things you find when unpacking!) and after much fruitless searching I gave up and pmed him for their last name. That turned into a friendly 'hi, how are you?' conversation. I never told Chad of that.
2009-2010 He's been in my dreams. Never happy ones... as if I would ever have a happy dream... but always in nightmares or he'll show up and make me feel guilty, sad, shameful. I haven't told Chad that either.
Where is the line between lying by omission to keep things running smoothly and lying and hiding one's life from the other person (a la The Smiths)?
I feel that I walk on the edge of a knife... one wrong turn will send me tumbling into the abyss.