Fic- Fighter

[tasha_elizabeth]

Title: Fighter

He’s outside. He’s walking through the parking lot on a beautiful fall morning when, suddenly, the world falls away. Everything goes white. Pure, aching, blinding white.

He swims in the white a moment as it fades. Fades to grey. Fades to black.

And then he hears the loudest noise he’s ever heard.

Comments

[topaz_eyes]

This is a fabulous scenario. Showing how the war and its aftermath changed Wilson--I loved it. You've drawn a spare, desperate and harsh world based on survival, and I loved how you showed Wilson trying to cope, trying to find comfort where he can. When Wilson rips his coat--that was such a strong, and sad, image. Also, I loved how the war didn't change House, yet he seems to deal with the changes better. Brilliant.

I do have some concrit for you: I think you could, and should, have ended your story at Then everything goes black as it slips away. I was absolutely blown away from the first part. The "and then he woke from his dream" ending, really lessens the power of the rest of the story, and makes Wilson's lessons about love and survival meaningless. I can understand wanting a happy ending, a second chance for Wilson, and it is your story; but this ending felt tacked on.

I also saw a few nitpicky typos, I hope you don't mind:

THE BOMB STUPID! You need a comma between "bomb" and "stupid".

he knows it’s been 27 days Numbers less than one hundred should be written out.

sleep deep and Wilson gets to hide in the dark hollow of House’s shoulder until dawn. "Deep" should be "deeply" (because it's an adverb), and there should be a comma between "deeply" and "and".

There are tents and tents of patients. Cot after cot after cot stretching on and on until his vision blurs. You can replace the period with a comma to join these.

Setting her down with as much delicacy as possible got his lab coat, streaked with blood and dust, caught underneath the metal legs. You should move "got" to before "caught" to make the sentence clearer; there needs to be a comma after "possible."

Little things, his coat falling off around his shoulders as he stepped away made him want burst, suddenly, into tears. Could you maybe change this sentence a bit, so that it shows more than tells? You've described how important the lab coat is to Wilson, how it symbolizes the past, so you want to show how Wilson feels when he loses it. How the sound of tearing fabric rips Wilson, how a lump forms in his throat, maybe a stinging in his eyes, and then he has to get out of there.

House sits up, his earphones still blaring MP3s into his ears (and where was he getting that thing recharged?) a shocked sleepy look on his face. There should be a comma after the closed parenthesis.

“I’m sorry about Cameron.” This seems out of the blue; you may want to mention Cameron's fate in the section with Chase and Foreman.

into that insolent little mouth. "Little" seems out of place.

after a long days work "days" should be day's.

Wilson stands there a moment to warm his hands, this kid looks awfully like his younger brother looked This is a comma splice; you need to change the comma to a period and make two sentences.

Wilson knows which one they’re talking about automatically, that’s happening a lot with House these days. Another comma splice; here you can replace the comma with a semi-colon.

Back row, next to the central heater. Another sentence fragment; you can make this into a sentence by adding something like "He's the one in the back row..."

This is such a powerful story--how you show Wilson's world being slowly replaced, is just wonderful. I hope these help.

[tasha_elizabeth]

Thanks so much for taking the time to write such a long detailed review. I really appreciate it. I will definitely take a long look at everything you mentioned. Sorry you didn't care for the ending.