.006 -- "Don't fight me on this." (an expansion on Schrondinger's Rapist)
This has been bothering me for a while, and now, because of some rl conversations with several different male friends that have left a bad taste in my mouth, I really need to talk about it. I'm no expert. I'm just a girl, who does what she can to protect herself. Feel free to discuss, suggest, correct, etc.
"DON'T FIGHT ME ON THIS."
an expansion on Schrondinger's Rapist, and how not to make me fear for my own safety.
Starling speaks to a stranger, possibly an acquaintance. I'm speaking to you, my friend, who I've known for a while, who I trust, who I do have a fair amount of affection for.
But when you invite me to your apartment, and I hesitate, and I say "No," I want you to understand that I have my reasons. I know, I know, you said, "It's just to watch a movie/play video games." I know, and I appreciate the offer. You said, "I wouldn't do anything to you, I swear." I told you, that wasn't the issue. I told you, "I trust you, but you're a guy. I'm just not comfortable with being alone with a guy at their house for an extended period of time."
Maybe I should have elaborated. I want you to know that I have a scale when it comes to people, but I usually only consciously use it when I'm with a male. My scale ranges from harmless to warning sign to red flag. What I think of you depends on how you've acted around me. My opinion of you changes with every interaction. You might say something that I consider a warning sign. You might do ten things that I see as totally harmless. In my head, I am doing basic arithmetic. How safe I am depends on where you end up on my scale. The more harmless I judge you to be, the safer I feel. The more warning signs and red flags I get, the less safe I feel, and the less likely I am to maintain our friendship.
Most people fall between harmless and warning sign. This means I trust you, I enjoy your company, I do not agree with some of your views, but I can overlook them. It does not matter to me that you read Machiavelli for pleasure, or that you're obsessed with Radiohead, or that you talk loudly and obnoxiously on occasion, especially when the people you don't like are present.
However.
I will not go to your apartment because I am not your girlfriend. I do not want to be your girlfriend. I do not know what your intentions are. Maybe you really do just want to watch a movie and play some PS3, but I would rather err on the side of caution. I would rather not marathon Marvel movies and play Mass Effect if it meant compromising our friendship. You are my friend, and I want to be strictly clear on that.
You say that "It's just a movie." You're probably right, but as Starling says, and as I say, pay attention to your environment. Or, in this case, the environment we will be in. You. Me. Your apartment. Alone. Movies. Think about what that might mean to me.
You say I'm being paranoid.
My head tells me this is warning sign territory.
You're getting annoyed, I can see that. You even seem a little offended. You say, I don't trust you.
You're right.
Did you know 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in her life? Did you know 38% of assaults are committed by a friend or acquaintance? I have over 100 female friends on Facebook. That means there's a very likely chance that 20 of them could be assaulted. That means 7 of those possible assaults are likely to be committed by a friend or someone they know.
So no, I don't trust you. Because "you" are a part of the statistic. "You" are asking me to come to your home, alone, and spend time with you. As of right now, "you" are Schrodinger's Rapist. "You" are a probability, and I don't like my odds. So I'm telling you no. This is both for your sake as well as mine, because if nothing happens, then I'm safe, but so are you. You're not going to be my rapist. Nothing. Happens.
But you aren't thinking like that, because you are a guy. RAINN says the chances of you, a male, being raped is 1 in 33. It also says that 9 out of 10 rape victims are women. That leaves you, a male, with 1 in 10. You don't think about it, because the chances of you being sexually assaulted is significantly lower than my chances. That's not your fault. That. Is not. Your fault.
But that means the chances of you being ignorant of my concerns are that much higher. So you call it paranoia. You say that not everyone is out to get me. You're right. Not everyone is. But how do I know? How do I protect myself so I'm not taken advantage of? I try and neutralize every threat. I don't go to a male friend's house alone. I do not go to parties where I don't know a majority of the attendees. I stay away from possible risky situations. Maybe you would protect me. Maybe you wouldn't. I don't know that; I can't know that, so I do every I can to protect myself.
Is that paranoia? I don't know, is it? If I have legitimate concerns, is it paranoia?
Whatever, you say. You drop the subject. Honestly, I don't really care if you think I'm being paranoid. The way I see it, I have avoided a potentially dangerous situation. So, kudos.
IN ADDITION:
You may act differently around me. That's why I watch the way you act with other people. My method of choice is to listen to what you say when you talk/argue with other people. I believe that is an excellent indicator of who you are as a person.
So say you are discussing the recent rise in crimes against students on college campuses in the LA area. Say you are discussing the recent attempted rapes on a woman who was walking home. You say, "Well, look at how she was dressed."
Red fucking flag.
You are victim-blaming. You are slut-shaming. You are saying, she asked for it. No one ever asks to be sexually assaulted. You're scaring me. Right now, my defenses are shooting up. I'm re-evaluating our friendship. I'm backtracking. I'm replaying every conversation I can remember. I'm picturing every outfit you've seen me in.
I am asking myself, "Have I ever done anything to make you think that I'm interested, sexually?" Maybe I scooted away a little. Maybe I crossed arms, pulled my legs to my chest. You have just made this an unsafe environment for me.
Well, look at her, you say. Look at how short her skirt was. She knew the guy. They were sort-of dating.
No.
Stop.
You are making it worse. This tells me that you won't stop when a girl tells you no. This tells me that you think you have some right to my body. You don't. This is where I will excuse myself from our friendship. I won't say it to your face, because at this point, I don't know how you will react. You have just become an entirely different person that I don't know and don't understand.
I will stop sitting by you. I will make excuses. I will not let myself be alone with you, not even for a second. It doesn't matter that we have to work together. I will not come in unless I can see that someone else is also there. Believe me when I say my concern for my own safety > our friendship. For me, this is over.
You might say I'm overreacting. I assure you, I'm not.
So, you're a good guy. You want your female friends to trust you, to feel safe around you. You want to know what you can do to help. What should you say? What should you do?
DO:
"DON'T FIGHT ME ON THIS."
an expansion on Schrondinger's Rapist, and how not to make me fear for my own safety.
Starling speaks to a stranger, possibly an acquaintance. I'm speaking to you, my friend, who I've known for a while, who I trust, who I do have a fair amount of affection for.
But when you invite me to your apartment, and I hesitate, and I say "No," I want you to understand that I have my reasons. I know, I know, you said, "It's just to watch a movie/play video games." I know, and I appreciate the offer. You said, "I wouldn't do anything to you, I swear." I told you, that wasn't the issue. I told you, "I trust you, but you're a guy. I'm just not comfortable with being alone with a guy at their house for an extended period of time."
Maybe I should have elaborated. I want you to know that I have a scale when it comes to people, but I usually only consciously use it when I'm with a male. My scale ranges from harmless to warning sign to red flag. What I think of you depends on how you've acted around me. My opinion of you changes with every interaction. You might say something that I consider a warning sign. You might do ten things that I see as totally harmless. In my head, I am doing basic arithmetic. How safe I am depends on where you end up on my scale. The more harmless I judge you to be, the safer I feel. The more warning signs and red flags I get, the less safe I feel, and the less likely I am to maintain our friendship.
Most people fall between harmless and warning sign. This means I trust you, I enjoy your company, I do not agree with some of your views, but I can overlook them. It does not matter to me that you read Machiavelli for pleasure, or that you're obsessed with Radiohead, or that you talk loudly and obnoxiously on occasion, especially when the people you don't like are present.
However.
I will not go to your apartment because I am not your girlfriend. I do not want to be your girlfriend. I do not know what your intentions are. Maybe you really do just want to watch a movie and play some PS3, but I would rather err on the side of caution. I would rather not marathon Marvel movies and play Mass Effect if it meant compromising our friendship. You are my friend, and I want to be strictly clear on that.
You say that "It's just a movie." You're probably right, but as Starling says, and as I say, pay attention to your environment. Or, in this case, the environment we will be in. You. Me. Your apartment. Alone. Movies. Think about what that might mean to me.
You say I'm being paranoid.
My head tells me this is warning sign territory.
You're getting annoyed, I can see that. You even seem a little offended. You say, I don't trust you.
You're right.
Did you know 1 in 6 women will be sexually assaulted in her life? Did you know 38% of assaults are committed by a friend or acquaintance? I have over 100 female friends on Facebook. That means there's a very likely chance that 20 of them could be assaulted. That means 7 of those possible assaults are likely to be committed by a friend or someone they know.
So no, I don't trust you. Because "you" are a part of the statistic. "You" are asking me to come to your home, alone, and spend time with you. As of right now, "you" are Schrodinger's Rapist. "You" are a probability, and I don't like my odds. So I'm telling you no. This is both for your sake as well as mine, because if nothing happens, then I'm safe, but so are you. You're not going to be my rapist. Nothing. Happens.
But you aren't thinking like that, because you are a guy. RAINN says the chances of you, a male, being raped is 1 in 33. It also says that 9 out of 10 rape victims are women. That leaves you, a male, with 1 in 10. You don't think about it, because the chances of you being sexually assaulted is significantly lower than my chances. That's not your fault. That. Is not. Your fault.
But that means the chances of you being ignorant of my concerns are that much higher. So you call it paranoia. You say that not everyone is out to get me. You're right. Not everyone is. But how do I know? How do I protect myself so I'm not taken advantage of? I try and neutralize every threat. I don't go to a male friend's house alone. I do not go to parties where I don't know a majority of the attendees. I stay away from possible risky situations. Maybe you would protect me. Maybe you wouldn't. I don't know that; I can't know that, so I do every I can to protect myself.
Is that paranoia? I don't know, is it? If I have legitimate concerns, is it paranoia?
Whatever, you say. You drop the subject. Honestly, I don't really care if you think I'm being paranoid. The way I see it, I have avoided a potentially dangerous situation. So, kudos.
IN ADDITION:
You may act differently around me. That's why I watch the way you act with other people. My method of choice is to listen to what you say when you talk/argue with other people. I believe that is an excellent indicator of who you are as a person.
So say you are discussing the recent rise in crimes against students on college campuses in the LA area. Say you are discussing the recent attempted rapes on a woman who was walking home. You say, "Well, look at how she was dressed."
Red fucking flag.
You are victim-blaming. You are slut-shaming. You are saying, she asked for it. No one ever asks to be sexually assaulted. You're scaring me. Right now, my defenses are shooting up. I'm re-evaluating our friendship. I'm backtracking. I'm replaying every conversation I can remember. I'm picturing every outfit you've seen me in.
I am asking myself, "Have I ever done anything to make you think that I'm interested, sexually?" Maybe I scooted away a little. Maybe I crossed arms, pulled my legs to my chest. You have just made this an unsafe environment for me.
Well, look at her, you say. Look at how short her skirt was. She knew the guy. They were sort-of dating.
No.
Stop.
You are making it worse. This tells me that you won't stop when a girl tells you no. This tells me that you think you have some right to my body. You don't. This is where I will excuse myself from our friendship. I won't say it to your face, because at this point, I don't know how you will react. You have just become an entirely different person that I don't know and don't understand.
I will stop sitting by you. I will make excuses. I will not let myself be alone with you, not even for a second. It doesn't matter that we have to work together. I will not come in unless I can see that someone else is also there. Believe me when I say my concern for my own safety > our friendship. For me, this is over.
You might say I'm overreacting. I assure you, I'm not.
So, you're a good guy. You want your female friends to trust you, to feel safe around you. You want to know what you can do to help. What should you say? What should you do?
DO:
- Be aware of my concerns. I get that you may think I'm being excessive. I get that your sense of sexual safety is much more lax than mine. But if you put in the effort, if you just try to understand where I'm coming from, you're doing good.
- Read up. There's a lot of information out there. Hell, turn on your TV. Some channel is probably marathoning Law & Order: SVU.
- Treat women with respect. This should be a given. I swear to God it should be a given. If you didn't know this, now you do. Realize that every women deserves to be respected. Realize that when a girl says no, it fucking means no. (We are not getting into the "no means yes" thing here.)
- Make fun of my concerns. If you make fun of me, I will feel that you aren't that concerned about me. Fine. Whatever. I won't concern myself with you.
- Disrespect women. That sends off red flags like no other. You will look like a creep and an asshole.
- Victim-blame or slut-shame. Nobody asks to be raped. You don't want to be raped. Neither do we.
- Rape. and if you can't trust yourself to do that. Use the buddy system.