(no subject)
i drove home tonight without really paying attention. i was just looking at the road infront of me spacing out. thinking of other things. like rachel said, it's weird how you can get from point a to point b without really remembering it. today was long. most of the things that could go wrong, did. tomorrow will be even more long. my mother is dragging me to the other house to clean. majorly clean. i'm talking on your hands and knees scrubbing tile grout with a toothbrush cleaning. my sister and ken are definitely moving in. news to me since i hear nothing until a day or two later in this house. she's going to work back at her old publix on eau gallie. and until ken gets a job at a bank he's going to go back to work at publix too.
why do i always want so badly what i tell myself inside i don't need to make me happy. what i see all the time causing pain and heartache. teenage normality maybe? i suppose i could blame it on that. or maybe that's not it. maybe it's not normal. to not have this that i want. to never have had it. and then talking about it, which is rare. or writing about it makes me feel like the biggest idiot. but. god. i don't even know. i'm sick of contradicting myself all the time. i'm sick of thinking so lowly of myself. over a subject as dumb as this. but maybe it's the truth. i don't know. i don't know why i write stuff like this. something in my head says "you're only doing it for attention, taryn. you're fishing for compliments." or maybe that's how i think people will percieve that when i write it. but i don't think i mean it that way. i think i'm just writing it to get it out of my head. so then maybe i won't feel it anymore. like if i like someone, or think i do, if i say it outloud to someone i won't feel that way anymore. i'll think i was stupid for ever saying it. because how could you. it'll just end up badly like i've seen before. and why would you do that to yourself. because i think i'm only sixteen, why would i want to open up to someone so much if it was just eventually going to end. because that's what i think about a large portion of the time. way ahead before anything even starts. and then i tell myself i don't want that. whatever it may be that could turn out badly.
maybe i'm just not as put together as i thought i was.
maybe i say maybe and i don't know too much.
maybe i hate the portion of my brain that thinks about situations and things to much.
maybe i should stop.
why do i always want so badly what i tell myself inside i don't need to make me happy. what i see all the time causing pain and heartache. teenage normality maybe? i suppose i could blame it on that. or maybe that's not it. maybe it's not normal. to not have this that i want. to never have had it. and then talking about it, which is rare. or writing about it makes me feel like the biggest idiot. but. god. i don't even know. i'm sick of contradicting myself all the time. i'm sick of thinking so lowly of myself. over a subject as dumb as this. but maybe it's the truth. i don't know. i don't know why i write stuff like this. something in my head says "you're only doing it for attention, taryn. you're fishing for compliments." or maybe that's how i think people will percieve that when i write it. but i don't think i mean it that way. i think i'm just writing it to get it out of my head. so then maybe i won't feel it anymore. like if i like someone, or think i do, if i say it outloud to someone i won't feel that way anymore. i'll think i was stupid for ever saying it. because how could you. it'll just end up badly like i've seen before. and why would you do that to yourself. because i think i'm only sixteen, why would i want to open up to someone so much if it was just eventually going to end. because that's what i think about a large portion of the time. way ahead before anything even starts. and then i tell myself i don't want that. whatever it may be that could turn out badly.
maybe i'm just not as put together as i thought i was.
maybe i say maybe and i don't know too much.
maybe i hate the portion of my brain that thinks about situations and things to much.
maybe i should stop.