TO BE COMPLETE
I have had a lot of time to think recently. My thoughts and choices have been changing and growing at such a pace I am struggling to keep up speed. So I have come to the definite conclusion in my life as it stands now. Which is that all of this pain and heartache if nothing else is forcing me to grow learn and work and I will get exactly what I deserve, whatever that may be. I love Bryan with all my heart and if and when our relationship ends, it will end constructively. I have learn a lot from this so called "lover of whirlwinds". What recent events have uncovered is that one can not gain without effort, one can not grow without trials and two people can't be one if they are both not complete yet. Me and Bryan are two half circles and we will hover next to each other trying to stay together, but the only way we can be one whole complete circle together is by completing our half on our own. Once each circle is finished then they can join and become one whole unit. So regardless of the outcome of my present relationship, my goal as of now is to complete my circle without any breaks. I consider "breaks" to be wounds I have put off healing. If they are never healed then they will resurface when a similar situation takes place. Now that I realize this I must focus on healing old wounds, before getting into a situation that will throw me back to where I began. I am 20 years old and I have accomplished a lot for my age. I am proud of that. However, knowing and believing in myself is the only way I will get what truly makes me happy. What comes with being 20 and knowing exactly what you want in life, is the responsibility to grow into an adult (in a sense). If I really truly want to be with Bryan I can't expect him to just come back into my life because I love him. If you truly want it you can fight and work yourself to get there. What I currently struggling with is where "there" is. No one said being 20 was easy, or that moving away from home didn't have hardships, or love didn't involve pain, or that you can gain without effort and work. I have to remember that if I really want something then I have to put my heart and soul into it. I can't wallow in the hardships of these trials or they were trials that I failed. So as it stands I have a lot on my plate and I am just about metally prepared to look life in the face and tell her I am finally ready to be whole. I meditate on the most typical sayings but they are all so true. What hurts us but doesn't kill us will only make us stronger. Everything happens for a reason. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. If you love something set it free and if it comes back to you it is truly yours. What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? They are typical but they help. So yeah there you have it...