Just Me
Ok, so I've decided, with the encouragement of my therapist, that I need to just start being me. Not put up some fake, phony facade in front of people. Be more open and honest about my feelings. Let people see the true me. I think I have sort of unconsciously been doing that anyway. My friends have been telling me recently how much more fun I have been and how much more they like hanging out with me. I think I just gave up on all that stupid pretend crap...well most of it anyway. Also because I haven't been so concerned or worried about Becca and what she's doing or not doing or why she's not calling me. I mean, maybe she is my best friend, but I need to have my own life. And I'm starting to like it a little better. I am having more fun, more friends, more socializing...it's all good. I am also supposed to start trusting people more since there are only like 2 people in the world I trust right now. I don't know why I do that, but I just don't open up to a lot of people. Call it "walls" or whatever you want, but I'm trying to fix that too. Relationships make the world go round and life worth living, so I need to start trying to talk to people and trust them. It's important. I am also supposed to learn to like myself. That one may be a little bit tougher because I think it is this innate thing that I have always had. I mean seriously I'm not sure I know anything different. All I can do is try. Wow there was a lot going on in therapy this week.
Speaking of therapy, I'm not sure I like it anymore. I mean, it's okay, but it's uncomfortable and weird sometimes. My therapist is really nice, but she's kind of strange. I really like my old one a lot better, but that was just so inconvenient and I never actually ended up going. Besides the fact she could only see me like once every month or so because Kaiser is so freaking crappy. I just feel like I'd rather talk about my problems with my friends, but sometimes my friends are the problem and then what do I do? I mean I know it's supposed to be good for you and all that, but I have started dreading it. Like I have to drag myself there every week and just pray it goes by fast. Besides the fact that I'm not even sure it's helping. She wants me to see a psychiatrist because apparently I can't function normally without drugs. Maybe I can just switch to the psychiatrist all together and use him/her as my therapist too. That makes more sense to me anyway. If I actually do find a good one I mean. Anyway, enough about my issues.
Haven't heard from Luke. I guess he's probably out fighting fires. Good for him. I hope he's safe. Still miss him.
Haven't done a damn thing at work all week. I am so freaking bored I can't even get over it. Today I made a list of all the books I need to read and looked for new jobs and apartments in NY and psychiatrist phone numbers that are covered by my insurance. So annoying. Geez.
So last night I was going to go home and sleep. But, of course, they talk me into going out for the Laker game (which sucked ass by the way), so I go out. Then everyone's like "let's go back to Erin's house." I decide I'll go for 1 drink. 1. Um...1 turns into a few. Then the boys come over and Tommy is home from Europe and ends up coming home with me at like 2 am. We get in a huge fight at 3 am and I throw him out of my house. Finally get to bed, only to wake up at 6 to get ready for work. I am so freaking tired right now, I can barely stay awake. I don't know how I'm going to drive home in traffic without passing out. And it's only Wednesday!
Tonight is cleaning and laundry and bed early. Tomorrow is girl's night at Erin's. Friday I think I am ditching work to go to the beach and then we are going to see Dodgeball in Hermosa Friday night. Sat is Tarot Card reading and getting my hair done. Maybe pedicure if I don't squeeze it in on Friday and then I'm assuming out downtown. Sunday is work and then hangin with Becca for Father's day...I think. Unless she goes to Jeff's, but she said she wasn't because it might be weird and I definitely don't want her to be alone, so I told her I'd hang. My fam is celebrating next weekend anyway. Then Monday is back to the grind...
Wow. Looks like my week is full. I guess that's good...right? I just can't wait for my bed and clean sheets tonight!
I found cheap tickets for NY online. I am going to try and get them this weekend with the money we get back from the Britney tickets...which is another story completely that I am quite pissed off about as is my roommate, but I'm glad for the money back!
Anyway, this has been a long one right??? Sorry, but I'm guessing that if it wasn't at least relatively interesting, you wouldn't have read this far. So it's your fault you're bored and sick of me. See?? HA.
See you at the club.
Speaking of therapy, I'm not sure I like it anymore. I mean, it's okay, but it's uncomfortable and weird sometimes. My therapist is really nice, but she's kind of strange. I really like my old one a lot better, but that was just so inconvenient and I never actually ended up going. Besides the fact she could only see me like once every month or so because Kaiser is so freaking crappy. I just feel like I'd rather talk about my problems with my friends, but sometimes my friends are the problem and then what do I do? I mean I know it's supposed to be good for you and all that, but I have started dreading it. Like I have to drag myself there every week and just pray it goes by fast. Besides the fact that I'm not even sure it's helping. She wants me to see a psychiatrist because apparently I can't function normally without drugs. Maybe I can just switch to the psychiatrist all together and use him/her as my therapist too. That makes more sense to me anyway. If I actually do find a good one I mean. Anyway, enough about my issues.
Haven't heard from Luke. I guess he's probably out fighting fires. Good for him. I hope he's safe. Still miss him.
Haven't done a damn thing at work all week. I am so freaking bored I can't even get over it. Today I made a list of all the books I need to read and looked for new jobs and apartments in NY and psychiatrist phone numbers that are covered by my insurance. So annoying. Geez.
So last night I was going to go home and sleep. But, of course, they talk me into going out for the Laker game (which sucked ass by the way), so I go out. Then everyone's like "let's go back to Erin's house." I decide I'll go for 1 drink. 1. Um...1 turns into a few. Then the boys come over and Tommy is home from Europe and ends up coming home with me at like 2 am. We get in a huge fight at 3 am and I throw him out of my house. Finally get to bed, only to wake up at 6 to get ready for work. I am so freaking tired right now, I can barely stay awake. I don't know how I'm going to drive home in traffic without passing out. And it's only Wednesday!
Tonight is cleaning and laundry and bed early. Tomorrow is girl's night at Erin's. Friday I think I am ditching work to go to the beach and then we are going to see Dodgeball in Hermosa Friday night. Sat is Tarot Card reading and getting my hair done. Maybe pedicure if I don't squeeze it in on Friday and then I'm assuming out downtown. Sunday is work and then hangin with Becca for Father's day...I think. Unless she goes to Jeff's, but she said she wasn't because it might be weird and I definitely don't want her to be alone, so I told her I'd hang. My fam is celebrating next weekend anyway. Then Monday is back to the grind...
Wow. Looks like my week is full. I guess that's good...right? I just can't wait for my bed and clean sheets tonight!
I found cheap tickets for NY online. I am going to try and get them this weekend with the money we get back from the Britney tickets...which is another story completely that I am quite pissed off about as is my roommate, but I'm glad for the money back!
Anyway, this has been a long one right??? Sorry, but I'm guessing that if it wasn't at least relatively interesting, you wouldn't have read this far. So it's your fault you're bored and sick of me. See?? HA.
See you at the club.