Dark Rites Magic
"Our DRM is second to none," says Bob Jeves, CEO at uNetis, "It can be applied to any digital media," he starts counting off fingers, "It requires no alterations to the file, takes up no additional bandwidth, and requires no encryption or additional processing at the customer end. It allows files to be used on any device without technical obstruction. It does not compromise users' systems with invasive software, does not threaten their privacy with constant server traffic, and it cannot be stripped away by any known means." He sits back smiling as the waiter delivers his latte, the morning sun shining from the glass flank of uNetis new Paris headquarters across the street reflected in his spectacles, "This system is the best solution for artists and customers."
"And for uNetis," your reporter observes.
He concedes the point with a shrug, "uNetis has taken a rapidly failing business model and provided the means to make it work again. I don't see any problem in benefiting from that achievement."
But to some, uNetis' lack of shame is perhaps the most infuriating part of the online music retailer's new DRM initiative.
In a small flat in West London, Brian (as we will call him) scratches furiously at his arms, his face set in concentration as he glances from the rash that has spread across his skin in the last few minutes to the copy of the music file that has caused it, sitting conspicuously in the middle of his Vista desktop. Finally, unable to cope with the discomfort any longer he deletes the file, making sure to empty the recycling bin, then logs in to the uNetis web site where he navigates to the payments page. There he locates the options for unauthorised copies and uses his credit card to pay €5.00, more than five times the amount he had originally paid for the track a month ago.
"Deleting the copy isn't good enough," he says half an hour later, the rash on his forearms all but gone, "The only way to get rid of the hives is to pay. The curse is very specific."
Brian considers himself to be a rational person, a student of engineering, unswayed by religion, mysticism or superstition, a vociferousness opponent to intelligent design and a staunch advocate of reason. "I thought the whole thing was a joke. I watched the LAP [License Agreement Presentation], with Justin Timberlake and Bono explaing what we can and can't do with the data we just paid for, and took about as much notice as I ever do of those things. And then they had those... those girls talking gibberish and sprinkling god-knows-what on the uNetis server racks, and I just laughed my ass off! I was waiting for them to short something out and get sprayed with fire suppressant," he doesn't look amused now. "I mean, how could that not be a joke? But honestly I thought I was getting a good deal; I paid for my music and got a file I don't have to fight with to hear it."
It wasn't until two weeks after downloading the latest Coldplay single from uNetis that Brian started to take the curse seriously. He first noticed the itching in the hours after copying the file to his portable music player one morning and assumed it was an insect bite or allergic reaction. However, it became so irritating that he was forced to leave work early that day to find an anti-histamine. "It was the woman at the chemists that mentioned the uNetis LAP. Until then I hadn't put it together. She said a friend of hers had come down with the same thing and that it turned out to be these copied uNetis tracks on her computer." But Brian still wasn't ready to believe that his download had really been cursed. "I was up all night with this itching driving me crazy, wondering how I was going to manage work in the morning. And I don't really know what I was thinking, I just wanted it to stop. I got up and I watched the LAP again, and there is was. The witches-for-hire were talking about the hives and the itching and 'torment without respite'."
"I thought I was being an idiot. But I followed the instruction and paid the fine." And within minutes, just as with the demonstration he had shown, the rash faded. "Am I just making this whole ridiculous thing worse by talking to you about it? The more it's reported like this, the more people will fall for it, right? I mean, I still don't believe in this crap, but how can I deny what I just showed you? It's all psychology; I know that some people are more susceptible to this kind of suggestion, and that it has nothing to do with their intelligence or education. But that doesn't make me feel any less of a fool for falling for it."
In another experiment, your reporter purchased a track from uNetis and dutifully sat through the fifteen minute LAP video with the curse description and the spell casting by the three young witches (young women no doubt selected for their attractiveness as well as their alleged occult expertise). The unprotected file was then fearlessly duplicated onto a portable music player without paying for an additional copy.
Three days later there was still no sign of the promised affliction.
"It doesn't reach everyone, no," admits Jeves, "We estimate that ten-to-twenty percent of our customers are directly susceptible to the curse. But then that twenty percent convince another thirty that it's not worth the risk to even try. And, of course, we always have our consistent base of loyal and honest customers for whom the curse simply doesn't apply. They know that our artists need to be rewarded and are happy to help fund their creativity... Uh... you did pay for that copy in the end, didn't you?"
Prof. Kenneth Dique, who remains at large despite the outstanding warrant for his arrest over the CrackBaby.net distributed quantum computing affair, has also taken an interest in the cursing of media downloads. In an interview last month [Stop Breathing, 'Quantum Communist', August 2012], Prof. Dique considered the curse a logical, if repulsive, development, "This is really no different from any of those anti-piracy PSAs. They are trying to convince their customers that something bad will happen to them if they do anything other than exactly what they are told. 'You will be arrested', 'You will be fined fifty-thousand dollars', 'You will go to prison'. As with all of these things it is only a minority, and usually a tiny one, whose lives are actually and directly impacted by such actions, but the misfortune of that minority is enough to convince a whole lot of other people to act just as these pigopolists want them to. And that's the most dangerous aspect: these companies are deliberately and maliciously re-engineering our common psyche for their own benefit, and without our consent. The uNetis curse is just the most recent, the most outlandishly arrogant and the most irresponsible example of this.
"And here's a question I want them to answer: What happens when uNetis eventually goes out of business? I didn't hear any caveat in the spell about that. What happens when there is no online payment system in place to lift the curse? Do those afflicted customers have to put up with the symptoms for the rest of their lives?"
"I find it hard to take the good professor seriously," Jeves responds when Prof. Dique's observations were put to him, "He's basically just put a negative spin on all advertising: 'you will be ugly if you don't use this moisturiser', 'you will be unpopular if you don't wear these sneakers'. Everything in the world of advertising is about 'engineering the common psyche', as he put it, that's how we create mind share. All we are dong is using the exact same process to convince our customers to do the right thing and help support our service and our artists." On Prof. Dique's last point he is rather more evasive, "We have no intention of going out of business. And I can assure you we are putting in place a series of measures to ensure that our customers can always access the curse-lifting mechanism, through alternate channels if necessary." He declined to discuss the details of these "alternative channels".
And the future of uNetis magic based DRM system (provided they don't go out of business and leave their customers with a lifetime of suffering)? "We are currently in talks with several of the larger labels about modifying the terms of the curse to make file sharing, through peer-to-peer and public posting, a distinct infringement with a much larger fine. We've also had several other online retailers seeking permission to make use of the curse system to protect their own products. And there has even been some investigation into the potential use of curses with physical media and domestic media technology such as preventing the misuse of HDMI signals. That's one of the many beauties of the curse system: it doesn't require customers to upgrade their hardware - it will work all the way down to old analogue devices!"
Finally Mr Jeves was asked if he personally felt any shame over causing so many people physical harm with the uNetis curse, "No. No I don't. It's those people who are copying music without authorisation who should be ashamed, ashamed for trying to take something without paying for it, ashamed for putting future music production at risk because of their selfishness, and for bringing us to the point where this sort of measure has become necessary. In the last two months we've received over twenty-thousand payments for unauthorised copies and recovered a considerable percentage of our estimated lost revenue for that period, enough to give hope to the music industry of a real future. What do I have to be ashamed of?" He adds: "And besides, it's hives, it's not going to kill them!"
- 'You'll Wish They'd Stuck with Rootkits' by Jennifer South
Stop Breathing, October 2012.