I am DONE!!!!!!!!!
I am done with everything! Maria says that I shouldn't make this public but I have to. I can't keep it in any longer. The only way to express how I am feeling is writing. If you don't want to know then don't read! I just finished watching yesterday's Oprah. I have learned a very valuable leason. I am not over of what happened to me; I thought that I was over it and I can move on, but I can't and I don't know how I can get on with my life. I am scared just thinking about being with someone. What if they do what he did? I can't live with myself anymore. I think I am having another break down. I want to cut myself and make it all go away, but I learned the last time that that won't solve anything. I want it to be over. I can't handle it, I think I already said that, but whatever. Oprah was about these 2 sisters who were molested 25 years ago by their parent's friend. 25 years later they confront him. He confessed to everything and said that he wants to be friends with them. How could he think that? Does he think that a sorry would help? Well one of the sisters told him that she wishes him the best....how could she? That man ruined her life. When she got downstairs with her sister and mother, she was saying, "Is this over? Am I done?" She seemed happy and that she found closure into what had happened. Then they showed her five minutes later breaking down. She was asking herself why and how could he have done that? (Thoughts that cross my mind everyday.) The only thing that she didn't say is how she felt about it and if she had the chance to do it again, would she. I would like to know that because I have thought for about a year now to confront my abuser. Then she had a guy who was molested by his high school priest (what else is new). He is married and has, I believe, 2 children. They moved into their dream home and then he found out 3 days later that the man who did that to him lived 5 houses down. He confronted him as well but the priest denied the whole thing and acted like nothing happened. How can someone do that? He said the 3 questions that he wanted to ask his abuser that I have wanted to know for so many years: Why? For what? Was is worth it? There is another question that I want to know but he already knew about his abuser: Were there any other victims? I know that he did it to my sister as well, but there was a little girl that was living with him at the time that all this was going on....did he do it to her? Does he have kids today? I still blame myself you know. If I would have told someone then it wouldn't have happened to my sister. Why did I let it happen? How could I have let it happen? The guy also said something that I could really relate to: He said that it happened when he was sleeping and when he woke up he didn't know what to do so he kept his eyes closed until it was over. I did that. How could I have? I should have said something. I think I need to confront him. Maybe it will give me closure. I need to live my life. I haven't been kissed because of him....I am scared of men. I almost met someone from my space but I was too scared because of him. I was scared that he would take me somewhere and rape me....I think that about every guy I meet. I need it to end. I can't be scared anymore. I am sick of it and I don't know what to do anymore. No one understands. I appreciate Eva and Maria for being there when I need them, but they don't understand...I would be scared if they did....so I guess I am happy that they don't. I have to admit that I have been crossing some boudaries with this. Like this past leadership retreat, our friend Mike slept in my bed and I didn't feel the least uncomfortable (the guys name was Michael). I thought that that meant that it was a big step in my healing. I also trust my friend Jon. I know that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me......but I also thought that about Michael. I am not saying that Jon would do that....nevermind, you know what I mean....I hope. I just want to understand why he did it. How can something liek this ruin someone's life forever? I so badly want someone in my life. Someone to hold and tell me that it will be alright....but I am scared. I don't know what to do anymore. I am sitting here crying...and for what? Feeling sorry for myself? I don't want pity or anything like that....I just want to understand why this has happened...and for what? I have asked that question so many times. I don't know. I should be strong and not cry over what happened. I should be able to move on with my life....why can't I? I don't know. I want it all to end. I have to confront him. I just have to. Sorry if I told you too much, but it needs to come out. I am sick of holding everything in. That is why I break down. I can't handle another break down.....I don't know if my body can handle it again. Confronting him is the best solution. I need to know those things. Well I have to go. Again I am sorry if I crossed a line in this, but your already know how I feel about that....bye.