Fic: (If You Tell Me You Want It) This Could Be Over [Jared/Jensen, PG-13] by Tariana Adren
Title: (If You Tell Me You Want It) This Could Be Over
Author: Tariana Adren
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4727
Summary: Jensen's in a bad mood leaving Chicago-con 2008. Jared needs to figure out why, and also what to do to fix it.
Warnings: Erm, it's basically self-indulgent schmoop brought on by too much New Kids on the Block. Also, it's written (almost entirely) in present tense, which apparently bothers some people. ;) If you're one of them, please leave now. Also, I'm really freaking late to the Chicago-con fic party, but I hope maybe you'll still like to read this.
Notes: neurolepticepic, for his advice. You know me well enough by now, honey, to know it's likely I won't take it. Still love you always. And little_one, for hand-holding and general loveliness.
Jared thinks it was a good weekend, overall. He thinks conventions are fun - meeting fans, making them happy. He knows it sounds cheesy, but without them, he wouldn't be where he is, and it feels nice to kinda give something back. If that means signing a few autographs, taking a few pictures, answering a few questions that maybe he'd rather not, so be it. It's a fair trade, as far as he can tell. He's rarely made so many people so happy as when he appears at conventions, and for Jared, who prizes his ability to make people happy, that's saying something.
Jensen doesn't like the conventions as much as Jared does (but that's just Jensen - his natural shyness and reserve don't exactly mesh well with conventions) and he's been a little subdued all weekend - very charming to the fans, yes, but Jared can tell it isn't quite his Jensen, either. Jared doesn't think anyone else would notice - or maybe they would. Their fans are pretty perceptive, given that they spend more time than is probably healthy studying Jared and Jensen with almost a clinical dedication. It bothers Jensen sometimes, all the attention, but Jared honestly is flattered.
Jensen's been pissy ever since they got up that morning. Jared doesn't know if it was partly because they had to sleep in separate rooms just in case someone saw them, because yeah, Jared doesn't sleep as well either when Jensen isn't there. He doesn't know if it's something lingering from the convention. He doesn't know if it's because they had to get up at 3:00 am to catch their 6:45 flight, and Jensen was still rushing around when Jared came to his room 15 minutes before they were supposed to be downstairs to catch their car, both suitcases unzipped and leaking rumpled clothes.
***
Jared had knocked on Jensen's hotel room door, and when it opened, Jensen was on the other side, blinking up at him owlishly from behind his glasses. Jensen looked sleepy and rumpled and very, very good to Jared, who isn't used to sleeping alone anymore.
“I can't find my contacts,” Jensen said. “I think I packed them already.”
“Want me to help you look for them?” Jared asked, even though he knew it'd probably make them late and the car would have to wait for them.
Jensen declined the offer, and Jared helped him sort out and close the suitcases. They lugged all their stuff downstairs just in time, just as the car pulled up.
In the car, Jensen was grumpy and grumbling, and Jared guessed it was because he hadn't had any coffee yet, even though he'd been awake for at least an hour at that point.
Jensen hit the first coffee shop he saw at O'Hare, and he didn't ask for anything complicated and they still managed to do it wrong. Jensen drank it, but Jared could tell he wasn't happy. He asked Jensen if he wanted him to go and get another one - they had time, since airlines are a lot of hurry up and wait - but Jensen snapped, “No! It's fine!” and Jared had thought maybe could he have a do-over?
They had a stopover in Dallas, and that seemed to piss Jensen off too. Jared wished they'd had some time to stop and see Jensen's family, but they've gotta be back to filming the next day and just couldn't spare the time. They barely had enough time to grab lunch, and that didn't go especially well either.
Jensen dropped part of his hamburger on his lap, and of course it was a pickle with mustard on it, and for a second Jared swore Jensen was going to cry. Jared has only seen Jensen cry a few times, but this definitely looked like the beginning of it - his eyes looking much shinier than usual, his face going pale and then flushing, first making his freckles stand out and then fade back in, and his lower lip actually trembling.
Jensen didn't cry, but he swiped angrily at his jeans with his napkin, then stalked off to the bathroom. He came back with a yellowish wet spot on his leg and a tight set to his mouth that Jared knew from experience doesn't mean anything good.
When they got back on the plane, Jensen almost immediately fell asleep, and Jared breathed a sigh of relief - Jensen was starting to get on his nerves. It didn't last long, though, his break. Jensen woke up after only about an hour, and he was crankier than ever. And really, Jared thought, it was nothing big that happened today to make Jensen so angry - Jared knows he's gotten the wrong coffee before and laughed it off, and Jensen spilling food is nothing new, either. He's a guy, after all.
He tried to get Jensen to tell him what was wrong but got the standard nothing answer and gave up. His mama would say that Jensen was stewing in his own juices, and Jared knows from experience that prodding Jensen to talk about something he doesn't want to talk about is like poking a little, mean dog with a sharp stick - not a good idea. So Jared backed off for the rest of the trip and let Jensen have as much space as it was possible to in the cramped airplane and then in the car that picked them up from the airport.
***
They get home around 4:00, which should have been more like 3:00, because one of Jensen's suitcases had gotten misplaced, and isn't that just the kick in the pants (and Jared thinks that might have been the bad pun to end all bad puns) that Jensen didn't need today? The suitcase was found and the crisis averted (and no one would be selling Jensen's underwear on eBay, which is a very good thing), but it didn't do a damn thing to ease the tightness around Jensen's eyes and the unhappy tilt of his mouth.
Jared leaves the house for a few minutes to pick up the dogs from the boarding kennel where they've stayed. He thinks about asking Jensen if he wants to ride along, but then decides he's had quite enough of Jensen for now. He feels bad about that, knows he should be more supportive, but he just can't deal with it right now. He has a feeling he will hear about whatever it is later, and he's torn between wanting to prolong this period of semi-peaceful living (because fights with Jensen are nasty) and just getting whatever it is over.
When Jared calls out that he's leaving, Jensen doesn't answer, so Jared just grabs his keys and goes. Harley and Sadie are overjoyed to see Jared when he gets to the kennel, and he basks in their love for more time than he probably should, considering he's a grown man, but he doesn't care. He badly needs a bit of normalcy, and someone who loves him and is happy with him. He collects all their gear, loads it and them into the SUV, and begins the drive back home.
When they get home, the dogs take off, bounding through the house, and Jared knows they're looking for Jensen. When they come slinking back to Jared a few minutes later, identical mournful expressions on their faces, he knows that whatever was wrong with Jensen is most definitely still wrong, if Jensen scolded the dogs. The only reason they ever look like that is if Jensen scolds them, and he hardly ever does. Jensen didn't start out liking Jared's dogs, but they've totally won him over by now.
Jared's rummaging through the fridge for something to start defrosting and fix for supper and thinking that he probably needs to feed and water Sadie and Harley, too, when Jensen says from behind Jared, “We need to talk, Jay.”
Jared turns to look at Jensen. He's rumpled-looking from the long day and all the travel and his eyes look huge and tired behind the lenses of his glasses. He's leaning with his back against the frame of the kitchen door, arms crossed in front of his chest almost defensively. He looks straight at Jared and his eyes flash with anger, and Jared thinks, what the fuck did I do?
We need to talk?
Jared knows those words are supposed to be scary, but somehow it's Jensen and they aren't. He sets the package of hamburger that he's found on the counter and breathes deeply, trying to calm himself.
Okay, those words really are scary. He's a man. He isn't afraid to admit that talking about serious stuff scares him. He wonders idly what his blood pressure is at the moment, and then decides he probably really doesn't want to know. But honestly, whatever it is that's on Jen's mind, they'll talk about it and they'll get through it and they'll be okay. They always have before, and they've been through some weird shit in this many years of knowing each other.
He hopes it'll be okay, at least. He isn't sure what he'll do if it isn't.
Jensen says, “Jared?” and Jared remembers that Jensen is probably waiting for an answer.
“Uh, yeah, okay,” he answers, and waits. Jensen doesn't talk, so Jared finds a jar of spaghetti sauce, and Jensen gets out a package of spaghetti and a big pot and fills it with water, and if he bangs it a little hard when he sets it down on the stove, Jared totally doesn't notice. Jared makes meatballs while Jensen cooks the spaghetti, and the meatballs go in with the sauce, and then they're carrying their plates out to the table. Jared pops the top off a beer and sets it at Jensen's place along with a glass of ice water, then does the same for himself.
Then he looks expectantly at Jensen, who looks as though he might start talking. Jared can practically hear the gears turning in Jensen's head, as he tries to come up with how to say whatever it is he has to say. Evidently, it doesn't work, because Jensen's nearly silent and completely sullen during dinner, lips pinched tight in a thin line, eyes sparking with anger whenever he looks at Jared.
Jared thinks back over the weekend, and he can't think of anything he's said or done that would make Jensen this upset. He just goofed around like he always does when there're fans around, because that's what they want to see. He spends most of dinner trying to replay the questions he was asked and the answers he gave, and he comes up with exactly nothing that would account for Jensen's being this angry.
Then he wonders, did someone else do something to Jensen? Jared doesn't think so, because all the other guests at the con like Jensen and wouldn't do that. But why would Jensen be angry with Jared, in any case? Jared isn't at all sure what he's done to make Jensen so angry, but he knows this is going to be a long evening, trying to figure it out, trying to get Jensen to tell him about, trying to work this out.
And anyway, if Jensen was the one who had something to say, why the hell wasn't he saying it? He'd been the one that said they needed to talk. Jared isn't sure he wants to hear it, but whatever it is, it has to be better than this silent treatment. Jared's pretty used to Jensen by now -- they haven't lived together that long, but they've been together much longer, and he knows Jensen's moods like he knows his own. And Jensen's definitely angry with Jared. He messes with his food rather than eating it, fidgets, and generally is twitchy in a way that Jared would have thought was totally adorable if it didn't mean Jensen was angry at him.
After dinner, Jensen refuses to let Jared help clean up, grabbing Jared's plate away as he tries to bring it into the kitchen. Jared stands in the doorway and watches Jensen fume, because he feels helpless to do anything else. He doesn't want Jensen any angrier than he is now, because a really angry Jensen is a fearsome sight. Jared might have several inches and some pounds on Jensen, but he doesn't feel like it when Jensen's angry.
Jensen slams the plates and silverware into the dishwasher with much more than necessary force, and actually breaks one of the water glasses, cutting his hand. He hisses in a breath, and turns to the sink, holding his hand under the stream of water from the faucet. Jared tries to get Jensen to let him look at his hand, but Jensen shoves angrily at Jared's chest with his good hand, a warning in his eyes - don't mess with me, the look says - and Jared backs off, confused and stung. Jared picks up the glass that broke and throws it into the trash, his heart feeling twisted into knots.
Jensen stalks away, closing the bathroom door behind him so hard a picture on the wall next to it falls. Then there's more glass, and Jared cleans that up too, then goes into the living room as he hears the shower start. Jensen will be in there a long time, and Jared knows he should go check on him, make sure the cut on his hand isn't serious, but he just can't face Jensen's anger anymore right now.
The dogs have been in the living room - cowering, Jared thinks -- and they collectively flop onto the sofa, Harley to one side of Jared, Sadie to the other. They can all cower together. Jared pats heads and scratches behind ears and under chins and tries to distract himself, because Jensen is in the bathroom a long time, but finally the water shuts off.
Jared figures the only reason Jen got out of the shower was because he used up all the hot water. Jensen doesn't come out into the living room, and for someone who wanted to talk to Jared, he's doing a damned fine job of avoiding any actual talking. Jared's just stubborn enough that if Jensen wants to talk, he can damn well be the one to start talking. Whatever this is is clearly a problem that Jensen has, and Jensen needs to fix it. Jared can damn well wait.
Except when he can't, apparently.
Jared stays in the living room as long as he can stand it, through some history program that Jensen would love (but he totally isn't thinking about that), through some political babble on the news channel, even through some infomercials for countertop planters, which just look to him like a really good place for people to grow weed under the guise of herbs, a shopping channel show selling some butt-ugly jewelry, and a Justin Timberlake music video, among other equally random things, but eventually, he has to give up. Trying to out-stubborn Jensen is apparently pointless, because, yeah? Not going to happen.
The lights are all out beyond the living room. Jared walks lightly, just in case, but he can see in the light filtering in from the living room that Jensen's not asleep. He's curled up on his side, his back to Jared, and just about as far to his side of the bed as it's possible to be without falling off. His knees are tucked up to his chest, his arms wrapped around himself so tightly that the muscles of his back pull and strain the t-shirt he's wearing, which Jared knows is soft from many washings over the years, and which looks all too good on Jensen right now. Jared's gaze drifts over Jensen, taking in the broad shoulders, narrow waist and hips, and butt encased in a pair of boxers. Jared's heart may be hurting, but his body takes an interest in what he sees, and Jared tamps down the flare of lust as best he can, because this just isn't the right time.
Oh, lord, the sight of Jensen really shouldn't do this to Jared when Jensen's so angry at him that he won't even go to sleep. Because Jensen? Totally not asleep. His breathing's wrong, like he's trying to fake sleep-breathing and failing miserably and not caring because apparently, pretending to sleep is easier than just telling Jared what the hell is wrong, what the hell he did wrong. And now it's a flare of anger that Jared has to tamp down, because it's been hours and Jensen won't tell him what's wrong - what he did - and Jared has no idea how to fix something when he doesn't even know what he needs to fix. He squashes that feeling too, and tries to concentrate on what's important here - figuring out what the hell is wrong.
“Jen?” Jared questions softly, and watches Jensen's muscles somehow get even tighter, more tense. He sits on the edge of the bed, and Jensen scoots over just a tiny bit more, putting himself even further away from Jared, and that's just childish and it pisses Jared off and his temper flares.
“Christ, Jen. What the hell do you want?”
Jensen just sniffs and stays resolutely on his side of the bed, back still turned, tension still high. Jensen only sniffs like that when he's been crying, which doesn't happen often, so Jared knows whatever it is is bad if Jensen's been crying. Jesus.
Jared takes a deep breath and tries again.
“Jen, whatever I did, I'm sorry. But I can't fix it unless I know what it is.”
“It's stupid,” Jensen says, and those are the first words Jensen's spoken to him for almost eight hours, and whatever it is, it can't be stupid if it's made Jensen this angry, Jensen who can get moody and weird, but who always, always gives in first when they fight. Jensen might be stubborn, but he also hates to fight, and the fact that this fight - or whatever the hell it is, because doesn't there have to be talking or yelling or something for it to count as a fight? -- has lasted this long says something about how angry Jensen is.
“I can't decide if it's stupid or not, because you won't tell me what it is, Jen,” Jared says, sliding further over on the bed and lightly touching Jensen's back. When Jensen doesn't scoot over any more (not that he could anyway, a mean little part of Jared's brain adds unhelpfully) Jared decides to take a risk, and slides over, lying down and fitting himself into the space at Jensen's back, curling himself around Jensen, tucking one arm in around Jensen's waist and resting his head on his other hand.
Jensen's breath hitches, and Jared feels a jolt of satisfaction when Jensen relaxes back against him, just a little, and then turns to face him. Jared can see the puffy eyes and the red nose that mean crying, but it's awhile-ago crying, not really recent crying. Jared thinks that's good. Jensen is still quiet, but Jared feels that maybe the air in the room isn't quite as thick with tension, feels as though things are better, maybe, just a little.
Jensen sighs, then yawns, covering his mouth with his hand. The bandage is stark white against Jensen's skin, and Jared touches it, asking Jensen with a look if it's okay.
“It isn't bad,” Jensen answers. “I've had worse.”
They have to be up way too early for them to still be doing this at two am., and they've been up for much too near to 24 hours by this point, and Kim's gonna be hell to deal with if they're too tired to get things right, and Jared wishes Jensen would just hurry up and say whatever it is, because he's fucking tired. Then Jared stills his traitorous thoughts, because he knows Jensen is more important to him than the show will ever be. If the whole thing folded tomorrow, he'd still have Jensen, he's sure of that. And while he's grateful to the show for bringing him Jensen, he'd give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant keeping Jensen with him.
“It's just... I get so tired of things, sometimes.”
And that's really specific, and Jared raises an eyebrow, waiting. But, he thinks, at least Jensen's started talking, so Jared prompts him with, “Yeah?”
“You make all those comments, these... jokes, about me having a - a thing for you. A crush on you. About me pursuing you.”
And suddenly Jared thinks he knows what Jensen's mad about. It was a totally leading thing that fan said at the convention - good luck in his pursuit of Jensen, what the hell? -- and never mind the few seconds his mind gibbered helplessly before he answered, Jared thinks he was lucky not to blurt out, “Yes, Jensen is my secret gay lover” in all seriousness, thinks he was lucky to pull it off with something like his usual goofiness, because there are times when, fuck yes, he really wants to tell everybody and their goddamn dog that he loves Jensen.
And it would be totally unfair of Jensen to call him on this one time, but Jared thinks about all the other times he's done things, said things (in practically every interview, every time he opens his mouth and there's a camera around) and he totally begins to see how Jensen - Jensen who takes everything so fucking seriously - could take it to mean that Jared wasn't serious about this, about them. Yes, now he can see.
Oh, all those times Jensen just stood there and took it, and how dumb was Jared to not see how much it was really bothering him? Leave it to Jensen to keep the hurt inside, let it fester until it was something huge and gaping that he couldn't keep inside anymore. Jared knows Jensen has a long, long fuse, but it isn't endless, and apparently this weekend was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.
Jesus Christ, Jared thinks. How the hell do I fix this?
“I just get so sick of you screwing around all the time,” Jensen continues, and Christ, that's salt in a wound, now isn't it? Because Jared never had a fucking clue that Jensen was upset (because Jensen never said anything, Jared's heart says) (because Jensen shouldn't have had to say anything, Jared's brain says) (you claim to love him and you didn't see this was bothering him, they both say) and now all there is to do is to fix this, if he can.
But what does Jensen want? Jared doesn't see any other option but to try to find out, and to try to do whatever it is. Even if it means doing everything Jensen ever wants for the rest of his life, Jared will try, if Jensen will just try to fix this, to let Jared try to fix it.
“Okay, Jen,” Jared says. “What do you want us to do? I'll stop messing around, I swear. I won't say anything like that again, I'll leave you alone at events, I'll --”
“I don't want to you stop,” Jensen says, and it's quiet, and Jared has to strain to hear what Jensen says next. And his heart nearly stops when his ears and his brain finally get together, and he really hears, really understands.
“I want people to know you mean it.”
Jared's heart really does stop, he swears, then it makes up for lost time by galloping along unevenly, and all he can do is stare at Jensen.
Oh, how Jared wants. He wants to hold Jensen's hand in public, and go on dates, and introduce Jensen as his boyfriend, and just be himself, and just love Jensen without hiding it, without fear. He's tried to hold back, for Jensen's sake, because he knows Jensen's a private person, but now? Jared feels a surge of something like elation in his heart now, because apparently, in his heart, Jensen wants those things, too.
“You want to... come out?” Jared has to know if this really is what Jensen wants, although the way he's feeling now, how happy he is at even the idea that Jensen might want it, he knows it's gonna hurt like hell if Jensen tells him he's mistaken, that Jared has misunderstood.
Jensen sits up suddenly and faces Jared, sitting crossed-legged and looking alarmingly like a sleepy little kid, shirt and hair askew, eyes sleepy. He looks down at his lap for a few moments. Then he looks at Jared seriously.
“I don't want to make a big announcement,” Jensen says quietly, and Jared nods. That isn't Jensen's style, so it makes sense. Jared's definitely the type to tell everyone at top volume, but Jensen is quieter about everything. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel the things he isn't saying, but it's just the way he is.
“But I don't,” Jensen begins, clears his throat, tries again. “I don't want to... hide it anymore, either.”
“Okay,” Jared says, because that he can do. Hell, he doesn't think he's been doing a very good job of hiding what he feels for Jensen already, if the fans' reactions are anything to go by.
“I'm gonna... um,” Jared begins, trailing off when the happiness and relief he feels build up so much he has to smile.
“I'm gonna leave it up to you, what you wanna do, because I know I'll go overboard if you leave it up to me,” Jared continues, and Jensen smiles, an honest-to-God smile, and it feels like forever since Jared's seen that smile, and then Jensen's reaching for him, and Jared feels that smile on Jensen's mouth where it touches his. Then he feels Jensen yawn again, and suddenly feels all the tension of the day slide away, and he's so tired, and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world when Jensen pulls off his glasses, sets them on the nightstand, and curls up next to Jared, an arm draped across Jared's chest.
Jared has his manly-man image to uphold. Sure. He really, really does. So he'd never admit to anyone that he's pretty sure he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
He doesn't wake up with a smile on his face, that's for sure. It's only a couple hours later, and it feels like much less than that, when the alarm jerks them both out of sleep. Jensen groans and says, “Oh, God. It cannot be time to get up yet.”
Jared looks at the clock, and yes, it really is. He shoves at Jensen, who grumbles, but rolls out of bed. Jared dozes until Jensen shakes the water from his shower-wet hair on him, effectively ending any chance of continued sleep. Jared takes his shower and dresses, hoping he doesn't look as tired as he feels. Jensen pushes a cup of coffee into his hand, and Jared gets most of it down before they have to be downstairs for the car.
Jared's so tired, but he's happy too, because apparently they're starting with not hiding anything anymore today. Jensen's holding his hand when the car comes to get them, and if the driver gives them a look, it's fondness and I knew it all along that Jared sees in the driver's eyes.
Apparently they haven't been as careful as Jared thought they'd been, because Eric doesn't even look twice when they sit down at a meeting to discuss the day's shooting schedule. He just takes note of Jensen's hand on Jared's leg and goes on discussing camera angles with Kim. In the makeup trailer, it's all big smiles and sarcastic comments, but it's teasing and full of affection, and good Lord, if Jared had known how easy this would have been, how right it was going to feel, he'd have suggested to Jensen that they do it long before now. He knows it all won't be this easy, but for right now, he's content to see how things go, take it one day at a time, just enjoy being themselves and not hiding anything.
Jensen is happy. Jared is happy.
And oh, he cannot wait until the J-Squared fans hear about this. That is gonna be fun.
Author: Tariana Adren
Fandom: Supernatural RPS
Pairing: Jared/Jensen
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 4727
Summary: Jensen's in a bad mood leaving Chicago-con 2008. Jared needs to figure out why, and also what to do to fix it.
Warnings: Erm, it's basically self-indulgent schmoop brought on by too much New Kids on the Block. Also, it's written (almost entirely) in present tense, which apparently bothers some people. ;) If you're one of them, please leave now. Also, I'm really freaking late to the Chicago-con fic party, but I hope maybe you'll still like to read this.
Notes: neurolepticepic, for his advice. You know me well enough by now, honey, to know it's likely I won't take it. Still love you always. And little_one, for hand-holding and general loveliness.
Jared thinks it was a good weekend, overall. He thinks conventions are fun - meeting fans, making them happy. He knows it sounds cheesy, but without them, he wouldn't be where he is, and it feels nice to kinda give something back. If that means signing a few autographs, taking a few pictures, answering a few questions that maybe he'd rather not, so be it. It's a fair trade, as far as he can tell. He's rarely made so many people so happy as when he appears at conventions, and for Jared, who prizes his ability to make people happy, that's saying something.
Jensen doesn't like the conventions as much as Jared does (but that's just Jensen - his natural shyness and reserve don't exactly mesh well with conventions) and he's been a little subdued all weekend - very charming to the fans, yes, but Jared can tell it isn't quite his Jensen, either. Jared doesn't think anyone else would notice - or maybe they would. Their fans are pretty perceptive, given that they spend more time than is probably healthy studying Jared and Jensen with almost a clinical dedication. It bothers Jensen sometimes, all the attention, but Jared honestly is flattered.
Jensen's been pissy ever since they got up that morning. Jared doesn't know if it was partly because they had to sleep in separate rooms just in case someone saw them, because yeah, Jared doesn't sleep as well either when Jensen isn't there. He doesn't know if it's something lingering from the convention. He doesn't know if it's because they had to get up at 3:00 am to catch their 6:45 flight, and Jensen was still rushing around when Jared came to his room 15 minutes before they were supposed to be downstairs to catch their car, both suitcases unzipped and leaking rumpled clothes.
***
Jared had knocked on Jensen's hotel room door, and when it opened, Jensen was on the other side, blinking up at him owlishly from behind his glasses. Jensen looked sleepy and rumpled and very, very good to Jared, who isn't used to sleeping alone anymore.
“I can't find my contacts,” Jensen said. “I think I packed them already.”
“Want me to help you look for them?” Jared asked, even though he knew it'd probably make them late and the car would have to wait for them.
Jensen declined the offer, and Jared helped him sort out and close the suitcases. They lugged all their stuff downstairs just in time, just as the car pulled up.
In the car, Jensen was grumpy and grumbling, and Jared guessed it was because he hadn't had any coffee yet, even though he'd been awake for at least an hour at that point.
Jensen hit the first coffee shop he saw at O'Hare, and he didn't ask for anything complicated and they still managed to do it wrong. Jensen drank it, but Jared could tell he wasn't happy. He asked Jensen if he wanted him to go and get another one - they had time, since airlines are a lot of hurry up and wait - but Jensen snapped, “No! It's fine!” and Jared had thought maybe could he have a do-over?
They had a stopover in Dallas, and that seemed to piss Jensen off too. Jared wished they'd had some time to stop and see Jensen's family, but they've gotta be back to filming the next day and just couldn't spare the time. They barely had enough time to grab lunch, and that didn't go especially well either.
Jensen dropped part of his hamburger on his lap, and of course it was a pickle with mustard on it, and for a second Jared swore Jensen was going to cry. Jared has only seen Jensen cry a few times, but this definitely looked like the beginning of it - his eyes looking much shinier than usual, his face going pale and then flushing, first making his freckles stand out and then fade back in, and his lower lip actually trembling.
Jensen didn't cry, but he swiped angrily at his jeans with his napkin, then stalked off to the bathroom. He came back with a yellowish wet spot on his leg and a tight set to his mouth that Jared knew from experience doesn't mean anything good.
When they got back on the plane, Jensen almost immediately fell asleep, and Jared breathed a sigh of relief - Jensen was starting to get on his nerves. It didn't last long, though, his break. Jensen woke up after only about an hour, and he was crankier than ever. And really, Jared thought, it was nothing big that happened today to make Jensen so angry - Jared knows he's gotten the wrong coffee before and laughed it off, and Jensen spilling food is nothing new, either. He's a guy, after all.
He tried to get Jensen to tell him what was wrong but got the standard nothing answer and gave up. His mama would say that Jensen was stewing in his own juices, and Jared knows from experience that prodding Jensen to talk about something he doesn't want to talk about is like poking a little, mean dog with a sharp stick - not a good idea. So Jared backed off for the rest of the trip and let Jensen have as much space as it was possible to in the cramped airplane and then in the car that picked them up from the airport.
***
They get home around 4:00, which should have been more like 3:00, because one of Jensen's suitcases had gotten misplaced, and isn't that just the kick in the pants (and Jared thinks that might have been the bad pun to end all bad puns) that Jensen didn't need today? The suitcase was found and the crisis averted (and no one would be selling Jensen's underwear on eBay, which is a very good thing), but it didn't do a damn thing to ease the tightness around Jensen's eyes and the unhappy tilt of his mouth.
Jared leaves the house for a few minutes to pick up the dogs from the boarding kennel where they've stayed. He thinks about asking Jensen if he wants to ride along, but then decides he's had quite enough of Jensen for now. He feels bad about that, knows he should be more supportive, but he just can't deal with it right now. He has a feeling he will hear about whatever it is later, and he's torn between wanting to prolong this period of semi-peaceful living (because fights with Jensen are nasty) and just getting whatever it is over.
When Jared calls out that he's leaving, Jensen doesn't answer, so Jared just grabs his keys and goes. Harley and Sadie are overjoyed to see Jared when he gets to the kennel, and he basks in their love for more time than he probably should, considering he's a grown man, but he doesn't care. He badly needs a bit of normalcy, and someone who loves him and is happy with him. He collects all their gear, loads it and them into the SUV, and begins the drive back home.
When they get home, the dogs take off, bounding through the house, and Jared knows they're looking for Jensen. When they come slinking back to Jared a few minutes later, identical mournful expressions on their faces, he knows that whatever was wrong with Jensen is most definitely still wrong, if Jensen scolded the dogs. The only reason they ever look like that is if Jensen scolds them, and he hardly ever does. Jensen didn't start out liking Jared's dogs, but they've totally won him over by now.
Jared's rummaging through the fridge for something to start defrosting and fix for supper and thinking that he probably needs to feed and water Sadie and Harley, too, when Jensen says from behind Jared, “We need to talk, Jay.”
Jared turns to look at Jensen. He's rumpled-looking from the long day and all the travel and his eyes look huge and tired behind the lenses of his glasses. He's leaning with his back against the frame of the kitchen door, arms crossed in front of his chest almost defensively. He looks straight at Jared and his eyes flash with anger, and Jared thinks, what the fuck did I do?
We need to talk?
Jared knows those words are supposed to be scary, but somehow it's Jensen and they aren't. He sets the package of hamburger that he's found on the counter and breathes deeply, trying to calm himself.
Okay, those words really are scary. He's a man. He isn't afraid to admit that talking about serious stuff scares him. He wonders idly what his blood pressure is at the moment, and then decides he probably really doesn't want to know. But honestly, whatever it is that's on Jen's mind, they'll talk about it and they'll get through it and they'll be okay. They always have before, and they've been through some weird shit in this many years of knowing each other.
He hopes it'll be okay, at least. He isn't sure what he'll do if it isn't.
Jensen says, “Jared?” and Jared remembers that Jensen is probably waiting for an answer.
“Uh, yeah, okay,” he answers, and waits. Jensen doesn't talk, so Jared finds a jar of spaghetti sauce, and Jensen gets out a package of spaghetti and a big pot and fills it with water, and if he bangs it a little hard when he sets it down on the stove, Jared totally doesn't notice. Jared makes meatballs while Jensen cooks the spaghetti, and the meatballs go in with the sauce, and then they're carrying their plates out to the table. Jared pops the top off a beer and sets it at Jensen's place along with a glass of ice water, then does the same for himself.
Then he looks expectantly at Jensen, who looks as though he might start talking. Jared can practically hear the gears turning in Jensen's head, as he tries to come up with how to say whatever it is he has to say. Evidently, it doesn't work, because Jensen's nearly silent and completely sullen during dinner, lips pinched tight in a thin line, eyes sparking with anger whenever he looks at Jared.
Jared thinks back over the weekend, and he can't think of anything he's said or done that would make Jensen this upset. He just goofed around like he always does when there're fans around, because that's what they want to see. He spends most of dinner trying to replay the questions he was asked and the answers he gave, and he comes up with exactly nothing that would account for Jensen's being this angry.
Then he wonders, did someone else do something to Jensen? Jared doesn't think so, because all the other guests at the con like Jensen and wouldn't do that. But why would Jensen be angry with Jared, in any case? Jared isn't at all sure what he's done to make Jensen so angry, but he knows this is going to be a long evening, trying to figure it out, trying to get Jensen to tell him about, trying to work this out.
And anyway, if Jensen was the one who had something to say, why the hell wasn't he saying it? He'd been the one that said they needed to talk. Jared isn't sure he wants to hear it, but whatever it is, it has to be better than this silent treatment. Jared's pretty used to Jensen by now -- they haven't lived together that long, but they've been together much longer, and he knows Jensen's moods like he knows his own. And Jensen's definitely angry with Jared. He messes with his food rather than eating it, fidgets, and generally is twitchy in a way that Jared would have thought was totally adorable if it didn't mean Jensen was angry at him.
After dinner, Jensen refuses to let Jared help clean up, grabbing Jared's plate away as he tries to bring it into the kitchen. Jared stands in the doorway and watches Jensen fume, because he feels helpless to do anything else. He doesn't want Jensen any angrier than he is now, because a really angry Jensen is a fearsome sight. Jared might have several inches and some pounds on Jensen, but he doesn't feel like it when Jensen's angry.
Jensen slams the plates and silverware into the dishwasher with much more than necessary force, and actually breaks one of the water glasses, cutting his hand. He hisses in a breath, and turns to the sink, holding his hand under the stream of water from the faucet. Jared tries to get Jensen to let him look at his hand, but Jensen shoves angrily at Jared's chest with his good hand, a warning in his eyes - don't mess with me, the look says - and Jared backs off, confused and stung. Jared picks up the glass that broke and throws it into the trash, his heart feeling twisted into knots.
Jensen stalks away, closing the bathroom door behind him so hard a picture on the wall next to it falls. Then there's more glass, and Jared cleans that up too, then goes into the living room as he hears the shower start. Jensen will be in there a long time, and Jared knows he should go check on him, make sure the cut on his hand isn't serious, but he just can't face Jensen's anger anymore right now.
The dogs have been in the living room - cowering, Jared thinks -- and they collectively flop onto the sofa, Harley to one side of Jared, Sadie to the other. They can all cower together. Jared pats heads and scratches behind ears and under chins and tries to distract himself, because Jensen is in the bathroom a long time, but finally the water shuts off.
Jared figures the only reason Jen got out of the shower was because he used up all the hot water. Jensen doesn't come out into the living room, and for someone who wanted to talk to Jared, he's doing a damned fine job of avoiding any actual talking. Jared's just stubborn enough that if Jensen wants to talk, he can damn well be the one to start talking. Whatever this is is clearly a problem that Jensen has, and Jensen needs to fix it. Jared can damn well wait.
Except when he can't, apparently.
Jared stays in the living room as long as he can stand it, through some history program that Jensen would love (but he totally isn't thinking about that), through some political babble on the news channel, even through some infomercials for countertop planters, which just look to him like a really good place for people to grow weed under the guise of herbs, a shopping channel show selling some butt-ugly jewelry, and a Justin Timberlake music video, among other equally random things, but eventually, he has to give up. Trying to out-stubborn Jensen is apparently pointless, because, yeah? Not going to happen.
The lights are all out beyond the living room. Jared walks lightly, just in case, but he can see in the light filtering in from the living room that Jensen's not asleep. He's curled up on his side, his back to Jared, and just about as far to his side of the bed as it's possible to be without falling off. His knees are tucked up to his chest, his arms wrapped around himself so tightly that the muscles of his back pull and strain the t-shirt he's wearing, which Jared knows is soft from many washings over the years, and which looks all too good on Jensen right now. Jared's gaze drifts over Jensen, taking in the broad shoulders, narrow waist and hips, and butt encased in a pair of boxers. Jared's heart may be hurting, but his body takes an interest in what he sees, and Jared tamps down the flare of lust as best he can, because this just isn't the right time.
Oh, lord, the sight of Jensen really shouldn't do this to Jared when Jensen's so angry at him that he won't even go to sleep. Because Jensen? Totally not asleep. His breathing's wrong, like he's trying to fake sleep-breathing and failing miserably and not caring because apparently, pretending to sleep is easier than just telling Jared what the hell is wrong, what the hell he did wrong. And now it's a flare of anger that Jared has to tamp down, because it's been hours and Jensen won't tell him what's wrong - what he did - and Jared has no idea how to fix something when he doesn't even know what he needs to fix. He squashes that feeling too, and tries to concentrate on what's important here - figuring out what the hell is wrong.
“Jen?” Jared questions softly, and watches Jensen's muscles somehow get even tighter, more tense. He sits on the edge of the bed, and Jensen scoots over just a tiny bit more, putting himself even further away from Jared, and that's just childish and it pisses Jared off and his temper flares.
“Christ, Jen. What the hell do you want?”
Jensen just sniffs and stays resolutely on his side of the bed, back still turned, tension still high. Jensen only sniffs like that when he's been crying, which doesn't happen often, so Jared knows whatever it is is bad if Jensen's been crying. Jesus.
Jared takes a deep breath and tries again.
“Jen, whatever I did, I'm sorry. But I can't fix it unless I know what it is.”
“It's stupid,” Jensen says, and those are the first words Jensen's spoken to him for almost eight hours, and whatever it is, it can't be stupid if it's made Jensen this angry, Jensen who can get moody and weird, but who always, always gives in first when they fight. Jensen might be stubborn, but he also hates to fight, and the fact that this fight - or whatever the hell it is, because doesn't there have to be talking or yelling or something for it to count as a fight? -- has lasted this long says something about how angry Jensen is.
“I can't decide if it's stupid or not, because you won't tell me what it is, Jen,” Jared says, sliding further over on the bed and lightly touching Jensen's back. When Jensen doesn't scoot over any more (not that he could anyway, a mean little part of Jared's brain adds unhelpfully) Jared decides to take a risk, and slides over, lying down and fitting himself into the space at Jensen's back, curling himself around Jensen, tucking one arm in around Jensen's waist and resting his head on his other hand.
Jensen's breath hitches, and Jared feels a jolt of satisfaction when Jensen relaxes back against him, just a little, and then turns to face him. Jared can see the puffy eyes and the red nose that mean crying, but it's awhile-ago crying, not really recent crying. Jared thinks that's good. Jensen is still quiet, but Jared feels that maybe the air in the room isn't quite as thick with tension, feels as though things are better, maybe, just a little.
Jensen sighs, then yawns, covering his mouth with his hand. The bandage is stark white against Jensen's skin, and Jared touches it, asking Jensen with a look if it's okay.
“It isn't bad,” Jensen answers. “I've had worse.”
They have to be up way too early for them to still be doing this at two am., and they've been up for much too near to 24 hours by this point, and Kim's gonna be hell to deal with if they're too tired to get things right, and Jared wishes Jensen would just hurry up and say whatever it is, because he's fucking tired. Then Jared stills his traitorous thoughts, because he knows Jensen is more important to him than the show will ever be. If the whole thing folded tomorrow, he'd still have Jensen, he's sure of that. And while he's grateful to the show for bringing him Jensen, he'd give it all up in a heartbeat if it meant keeping Jensen with him.
“It's just... I get so tired of things, sometimes.”
And that's really specific, and Jared raises an eyebrow, waiting. But, he thinks, at least Jensen's started talking, so Jared prompts him with, “Yeah?”
“You make all those comments, these... jokes, about me having a - a thing for you. A crush on you. About me pursuing you.”
And suddenly Jared thinks he knows what Jensen's mad about. It was a totally leading thing that fan said at the convention - good luck in his pursuit of Jensen, what the hell? -- and never mind the few seconds his mind gibbered helplessly before he answered, Jared thinks he was lucky not to blurt out, “Yes, Jensen is my secret gay lover” in all seriousness, thinks he was lucky to pull it off with something like his usual goofiness, because there are times when, fuck yes, he really wants to tell everybody and their goddamn dog that he loves Jensen.
And it would be totally unfair of Jensen to call him on this one time, but Jared thinks about all the other times he's done things, said things (in practically every interview, every time he opens his mouth and there's a camera around) and he totally begins to see how Jensen - Jensen who takes everything so fucking seriously - could take it to mean that Jared wasn't serious about this, about them. Yes, now he can see.
Oh, all those times Jensen just stood there and took it, and how dumb was Jared to not see how much it was really bothering him? Leave it to Jensen to keep the hurt inside, let it fester until it was something huge and gaping that he couldn't keep inside anymore. Jared knows Jensen has a long, long fuse, but it isn't endless, and apparently this weekend was the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back.
Jesus Christ, Jared thinks. How the hell do I fix this?
“I just get so sick of you screwing around all the time,” Jensen continues, and Christ, that's salt in a wound, now isn't it? Because Jared never had a fucking clue that Jensen was upset (because Jensen never said anything, Jared's heart says) (because Jensen shouldn't have had to say anything, Jared's brain says) (you claim to love him and you didn't see this was bothering him, they both say) and now all there is to do is to fix this, if he can.
But what does Jensen want? Jared doesn't see any other option but to try to find out, and to try to do whatever it is. Even if it means doing everything Jensen ever wants for the rest of his life, Jared will try, if Jensen will just try to fix this, to let Jared try to fix it.
“Okay, Jen,” Jared says. “What do you want us to do? I'll stop messing around, I swear. I won't say anything like that again, I'll leave you alone at events, I'll --”
“I don't want to you stop,” Jensen says, and it's quiet, and Jared has to strain to hear what Jensen says next. And his heart nearly stops when his ears and his brain finally get together, and he really hears, really understands.
“I want people to know you mean it.”
Jared's heart really does stop, he swears, then it makes up for lost time by galloping along unevenly, and all he can do is stare at Jensen.
Oh, how Jared wants. He wants to hold Jensen's hand in public, and go on dates, and introduce Jensen as his boyfriend, and just be himself, and just love Jensen without hiding it, without fear. He's tried to hold back, for Jensen's sake, because he knows Jensen's a private person, but now? Jared feels a surge of something like elation in his heart now, because apparently, in his heart, Jensen wants those things, too.
“You want to... come out?” Jared has to know if this really is what Jensen wants, although the way he's feeling now, how happy he is at even the idea that Jensen might want it, he knows it's gonna hurt like hell if Jensen tells him he's mistaken, that Jared has misunderstood.
Jensen sits up suddenly and faces Jared, sitting crossed-legged and looking alarmingly like a sleepy little kid, shirt and hair askew, eyes sleepy. He looks down at his lap for a few moments. Then he looks at Jared seriously.
“I don't want to make a big announcement,” Jensen says quietly, and Jared nods. That isn't Jensen's style, so it makes sense. Jared's definitely the type to tell everyone at top volume, but Jensen is quieter about everything. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel the things he isn't saying, but it's just the way he is.
“But I don't,” Jensen begins, clears his throat, tries again. “I don't want to... hide it anymore, either.”
“Okay,” Jared says, because that he can do. Hell, he doesn't think he's been doing a very good job of hiding what he feels for Jensen already, if the fans' reactions are anything to go by.
“I'm gonna... um,” Jared begins, trailing off when the happiness and relief he feels build up so much he has to smile.
“I'm gonna leave it up to you, what you wanna do, because I know I'll go overboard if you leave it up to me,” Jared continues, and Jensen smiles, an honest-to-God smile, and it feels like forever since Jared's seen that smile, and then Jensen's reaching for him, and Jared feels that smile on Jensen's mouth where it touches his. Then he feels Jensen yawn again, and suddenly feels all the tension of the day slide away, and he's so tired, and it's the most wonderful feeling in the world when Jensen pulls off his glasses, sets them on the nightstand, and curls up next to Jared, an arm draped across Jared's chest.
Jared has his manly-man image to uphold. Sure. He really, really does. So he'd never admit to anyone that he's pretty sure he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
He doesn't wake up with a smile on his face, that's for sure. It's only a couple hours later, and it feels like much less than that, when the alarm jerks them both out of sleep. Jensen groans and says, “Oh, God. It cannot be time to get up yet.”
Jared looks at the clock, and yes, it really is. He shoves at Jensen, who grumbles, but rolls out of bed. Jared dozes until Jensen shakes the water from his shower-wet hair on him, effectively ending any chance of continued sleep. Jared takes his shower and dresses, hoping he doesn't look as tired as he feels. Jensen pushes a cup of coffee into his hand, and Jared gets most of it down before they have to be downstairs for the car.
Jared's so tired, but he's happy too, because apparently they're starting with not hiding anything anymore today. Jensen's holding his hand when the car comes to get them, and if the driver gives them a look, it's fondness and I knew it all along that Jared sees in the driver's eyes.
Apparently they haven't been as careful as Jared thought they'd been, because Eric doesn't even look twice when they sit down at a meeting to discuss the day's shooting schedule. He just takes note of Jensen's hand on Jared's leg and goes on discussing camera angles with Kim. In the makeup trailer, it's all big smiles and sarcastic comments, but it's teasing and full of affection, and good Lord, if Jared had known how easy this would have been, how right it was going to feel, he'd have suggested to Jensen that they do it long before now. He knows it all won't be this easy, but for right now, he's content to see how things go, take it one day at a time, just enjoy being themselves and not hiding anything.
Jensen is happy. Jared is happy.
And oh, he cannot wait until the J-Squared fans hear about this. That is gonna be fun.