RAPUNZEEEEEELLLLLL!
OMG YOU GUYS.
TANGLED.
I CANNOT DEAL WITH SUCH PURE CONCENTRATED AWESOME AND ADORABLE.
SERIOUSLY.
DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIES HOW YOU NEVER EVER FAIL MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Trailer assessment for this movie-
Middle of the road. There were a couple that made me excited and flaily (LIKE ZOMG NARNIA DAWN TREADER DRAGON!EUSTACE ASLAN RAIMUNDO'S DAUGHTER MERMAIDS LILIES SQUEEEEEEEE!) and a couple that made me want to crawl under the seat cowering in a fetal position and wailing, "WHY DOES THIS EXIST?!" (The Smurfs and Yogi Bear, mostly. SERIOUSLY. WHY?!)
Along that note though, here, have an epic Narnia trailer:
The Protagonist-
OMG RAPUNZEL. RAPUNZEEEELLLLLL!
SHE WAS SO ADORABLE. SHE WAS LIKE, CUTENESS PERSONIFIED. SHE'D BE ALL "TEE!" AND I'D BE ALL "AWW!" AND THEN SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING CRAZY AWESOME WITH THAT LONG LONG LONG LONG HAIR OF HERS LIKE USE IT AS A SWING OR DRAPE IT IN SPIRALS ON THE FLOOR.
AND HER "I WANT" SONG DETAILS THE MANY MANY HOBBIES SHE'S PICKED UP AFTER BEING COOPED UP FOR SO LONG. LULZ.
The Love Interest-
FLYNN! Or Eugene rather, and my most confusing issue with his having a fake and a real name is which one to use to denote my shipping him with Rapunzel because OMG EPIC ADVENTURING BATTLE COUPLE FTW! He was like Prince Naveen without as much of the jerkish irresponsible laziness (or the Slap Slap Kiss dynamics with his lady love, which was pleasantly surprising). Same kind of general character development too. It was awesome.
NEARLY EVERY WORD THAT CAME OUT OF THIS MAN'S MOUTH WAS PURE HILARITY.
Also, quite the looker. Be still my heart.
The Cute Animal Sidekicks-
DUDE... RAPUNZEL'S ANIMAL SIDEKICK WAS A CHAMELEON. HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT? PASCAL DIDN'T TALK BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BECAUSE HE WAS JUST SO EMOTIVE AND EXPRESSIVE EVEN WITHOUT DIALOGUE.
DITTO THE HORSE MAXIMUS, WHO THEY MADE AS DOG-LIKE IN BEHAVIOR AS POSSIBLE FOR THE SHEER LULZ OF IT.
AND BELIEVE ME DEARS, LULZ WERE MOST DEFINITELY HAD.
The Villainess-
Mother Gothel! Boy was she a nasty piece of work. This bit of dialogue from the TV spots tells you all you need to know about her character.
Mother Gothel: (with Rapunzel, in front of mirror) I see a strong, confident, beautiful young woman.
Rapunzel: *sighs happily*
Mother Gothel: Oh look! You're here too.
YEAH. IT'S KIND OF LIKE THAT.
The Animation-
ASFALSKFHASF FLEEGLE BLORGLE SO PRETTY!
SOOOOOOO PREEEEEEETTTYYYYYYYYY...
Rapunzel's hair like woah and the lanterns like wow and the grass and the dresses and everything!
It was like, having the first five minute of Enchanted in computer-animated form.
Basically, RIDICULOUSLY PRETTY.
The Love Story-
HOMG DID I MENTION THE LACK OF CLICHE SLAP SLAP KISS DYNAMICS? THAT WAS A SURPRISE. BUT A PLEASANT ONE. BECAUSE FLYNN/EUGENE AND RAPUNZEL FALLING IN LOVE FELT SO SO MUCH MORE NATURAL AND ADORABLE AS A RESULT.
IT WASN'T FORCED.
IT WASN'T RUSHED.
IT WAS JUST THERE AND EPIC AND ADORABLE AND MADE OF CUTE AND I FLAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLED.
LIKE WHEN RAPUNZEL WAS ALL LIKE, "YOU WILL TAKE ME TO SEE THE LANTERNS! OR I NO GIVE YOU BACK THE CROWN."
AND HE WAS LIKE, "PRETTY PLEASE GIVE IT BACK?" *PUPPY DOG EYES*
AND RAPUNZEL WAS ALL -__- AND IT HAD NO EFFECT?
AND THEN WHEN HE WAS ALL LIKE, "'KAY MY REAL NAME IS EUGENE AND HERE'S MY ANGSTY BACKSTORY."
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I LIKE YOU BETTER AS EUGENE." *HAPPYSMILE*
AND LATER WHEN RAPUNZEL WAS ALL, "KK I GIVE YOU BACK THE CROWN NOW." AND FLYNN RESPONDED BY BEING ALL, "FORGET THE CROWN BB, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO ME ANYMORE. ILU."
AND THEN WHEN HE WAS LIKE, "NO BB! I CANNOT LET YOU GIVE UP YOUR FREEDOM FOR ME! I WOULD RATHER DIE! I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE TO BREAK THE WITCH'S HOLD ON YOU!" *DRAMATICHAIRCUTSLICE*
YEAH. THESE TWO HIT ALL THE RIGHT POINTS FOR ME.
The Plot-
Um... pretty basic for Disney Princess Movies I guess? But hey, that's whole appeal so who am I to complain.
Strangely, followed the basic gist of the Rapunzel fairy tale pretty darn well, while also fleshing out the characters and their motivations.
SO IN THE BEGINNING MOTHER GOTHEL IS OLD AND WRINKLY AND SHE FINDS A MAGIC FLOWER THAT HAS SPROUTED FROM A TINY DROP OF SUNSHINE, AND SINGING OVER IT KEEPS HER YOUNG. SO SHE IS LIKE, "MY FLOWER! MINE!"
BUT THEN A KINGDOM SPROUTS UP OVER ON A NEARBY ISLAND AND THE QUEEN TAKES ILL WHILE PREGNANT WITH OUR PROTAGONIST RAPUNZEL. SO THE GUARDS AND SUBJECTS LOOK FOR A CURE AND WHADDA YA KNOW, THEY STUMBLE ACROSS THE FLOWER.
SO THEY TAKE THE FLOWER AND PLOP IT IN SOME WATER AND IT HEALS THE QUEEN. AND THEN SHE GIVES BIRTH TO THE BEAUTIFULLY GOLDEN-HAIRED RAPUNZEL. MOTHER GOTHEL SNEAKS INTO THE BABY'S ROOM AND SINGS HER SONG AND THE BABY'S HAIR GLOWS JUST LIKE THE FLOWER. SHE TRIES TO CUT A PIECE OFF SO SHE CAN USE IT TO KEEP HERSELF YOUNG FOREVER BUT THE STRAND TURNS BROWN AND LOSES ITS MAGIC, SO GOTHEL IS LIKE, "CRABSHACKLES! UM... OKAY I'M JUST TAKING THE BABY WHOLECLOTH!"
SO SHE DOES. AND MOMMY AND DADDY ARE SAD AND EVERY YEAR RELEASE GLOWING LANTERNS INTO THE SKY IN HOPES THAT SHE'LL BE FOUND ONE DAY. AND RAPUNZEL SEES THEM FROM HER TOWER WINDOW AND DREAMS ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE AND SEEING THEM IN PERSON. AND GOTHEL RAISES RAPUNZEL AND NEVER LETS HER OUTSIDE THE TOWER TELLING HER ALL SORTS OF LIES AND HORROR STORIES TO KEEP HER THERE, AND BRUSHES HER HAIR WHILE SINGING SO THAT SHE STAYS YOUNG FOREVER.
SELFISH BITCH.
FLASH FORWARD TO WHEN RAPUNZEL IS EIGHTEEN AND AN ADORABLE ARTIST WHO PAINTS ALL OVER HER TOWER AND READS BOOKS AND SHE'S LIKE, "MOMMY I REALLY WANT TO SEE THE PRETTY LIGHTS IN THE SKY IN PERSON THIS YEAR." AND GOTHEL IS LIKE, "LOL NO." AND RAPUNZEL IS LIKE : (
MEANWHILE FLYNN AND THE STABBINGTON BROTHERS (ONE OF WHICH IS VOICED BY RON PEARLMAN AKA SLADE WHAT THE FLYING BARBECUE) ARE BUSY STEALING A ROYAL CROWN FROM THE PALACE. RAPUNZEL'S CROWN IN FACT.
LOL IRONY.
THROUGH A HARROWING CHASE, IN WHICH WE ARE INTRODUCED TO THE HILARIOUS HORSE MAXIMUS AS HE TAILS FLYNN LIKE A BLOODHOUND, FLYNN WINDS UP INSIDE RAPUNZEL'S TOWER.
SHE WHACKS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN. REPEATEDLY.
AT FIRST SHE TRIES TO HIDE HIM AND THEN PLANS ON SHOWING HIM TO GOTHEL SO THE WOMAN WILL BELIEVE THAT SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF OUTSIDE THE TOWER BUT GOTHEL IS LIKE, "YOU ARE NEVER LEAVING HERE EVER!"
AND RAPUZEL WIBBLES.
AND THEN SHE CUTS A DEAL WITH FLYNN AND TELLS HIM IF HE'LL GUIDE HER TO THE KINGDOM AND TAKE HER TO SEE THE LANTERNS, THEN SHE'LL LET HIM HAVE THE CROWN BACK. FLYNN INITIALLY IS LIKE, "THE HECK?" BUT EVENTUALLY HE AGREES.
AND RAPUNZEL GOES OUTSIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE AND IT IS GLORIOUS. AND SHE HAS HILARIOUS BIPOLAR PERIODS OF "YAYYAY I'M OUTSIDE I'M OUTSIDE WHEEEEE!" AND "OH MY GOSH MY MOTHER'S GOING TO KILL ME WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING OH NOOOOOOOO!"
And Flynn is patiently tolerant, even if he does immediately then take her to a seedy bar to make her skittish enough to want to call off the deal and go home. Rapunzel keeps her frying pan with her the whole time and it is funny to watch her (and then later Flynn) brandish it threateningly like a weapon.
Meanwhile Mother Gothel comes across the riderless Maximus and immediately panics and rushes straight home to discover Rapunzel is gone. (The girl had begged for her to go get her more shells to make a specific paint, and it's a three-day journey.) She finds the crown, and one of Flynn's wanted posters and is immediately very vindictive. And tracks her "daughter" down.
Turns out the rough and tough-looking patrons of the bar are actually a bunch of softies and after Rapunzel explains her dream to see the lanterns to them, they help her and Flynn escape the guards.
AND THERE IS AN AWESOME ACTION SEQUENCE WITH THE MILL AT THE END OF THE ESCAPE TUNNEL, IN WHICH RAPUNZEL IS CRAZY AWESOME AND RESOURCEFUL WITH HER HAIR. AND FLYNN SWORD-FIGHTS THE HORSE WITH RAPUNZEL'S FRYING PAN.
Much of this movie's hilarity can also be derived from its crazy-awesomeness.
Rapunzel and Flynn get stuck in a cavern which is filling with water. Flynn decides that, as long as he's going to die, he might as well tell someone his real name: Eugene Fitzherbert. Rapunzel spills a secret in turn: she has magic hair that glows when she sings.
AND THEN SHE REALIZES, "OH YEAH! I HAVE MAGIC HAIR THAT GLOWS!" and they use its light to find the way out.
Mother Gothel comes across the Stabbington Brothers, who are none too happy about being left in the dirt by Flynn/Eugene, and enlists their aide, promising them something vague and nefarious.
AND THEN FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL HAVE AN ADORABLE BONDING MOMENT BY THE FIRE. RAPUNZEL SHOWS OFF THE HEALING PROPERTIES OF HER HAIR ("Don't freak." FTW!) AND FLYNN SPILLS HIS ORPHAN BACKSTORY AND ANGST.
It's kind of ruined when Flynn goes off to get more firewood and Mother Gothel shows up, begging Rapunzel to come home, but Rapunzel is like, "No." and then Gothel is like, "What." and then she has a reprise of her awesome Villain Song which is chillingly awesome. And she basically tells Rapunzel, "Pfft! The guy doesn't love you. Here, give him back the crown and he'll split just like that. THE WORLD IS A DARK CRUEL PLACE AND YOU WANT TO STAY HOME WITH MOMMY FOREVER." before going VOOSH and vanishing.
AND THEN MAXIMUS THE HORSE FINDS FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL. AND ENDLESS LULZ ARE HAD AS RAPUNZEL MAKES INSTANT FRIENDS WITH THE HORSE AND GETS HIM TO HOLD OFF ON FETCHING PALACE GUARDS TO ARREST FLYNN.
AND THEN THERE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ADORABLE MONTAGE OF RAPUNZEL AND FLYNN INSIDE THE TOWN.
RAPUNZEL HAS DIFFICULTY WITH PEOPLE TREADING ON HER HAIR AND THEN FLYNN NOTICES FOUR LITTLE GIRLS WHO ARE SITTING BRAIDING EACH OTHERS' HAIR AND HE WHISTLES TO THEM AND POINTS TO RAPUNZEL'S HAIR.
AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE "EEEEE!" AND THEY BRAID HER HAIR AND PUT FLOWERS IN IT MAKING HER EVEN MORE PRETTY AND ADORABLE.
AND THEN RAPUNZEL DANCES AND PAINTS ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK AND FLYNN WATCHES HER WITH AWE AND THE FLICKERINGS OF LOVE. AND THERE IS BEAUTIFUL MUSIC AND CHOREOGRAPHY.
AND THEN THERE'S THIS BRIEF, DIALOGUE-LESS SCENE WITH THE KING AND QUEEN AND IT IS TEARJERKING AS THE QUEEN FINISHES TOUCHING UP HUBBY AND HE'S GOT A SINGLE TEAR RUNNING DOWN HIS CHEEK BECAUSE THEY ARE LOSING HOOOOOOPPPE.
AND THEN FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL TAKE A ROMANTIC BOAT RIDE ON THE LAKE TO WATCH AS THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF GORGEOUS GLOWING LANTERNS ARE RELEASED INTO THE SKY. AND THEY ARE SINGING A LOVE DUET AND RAPUNZEL GIVES BACK THE CROWN BUT FLYNN IS LIKE, "EH, LATER DEAR." AND THEN THEY ARE ABOUT TO KISS AND I'M LIKE, "YES YES YES!"
And then the moment is broken by Flynn seeing one of the brothers on the shore and I'm like, "DAGNABBIT!"
Flynn rows ashore and goes to give the crown to the brothers (and then return to his love) but they're like, "LOL NO WE WANT THE MAGIC GIRL NOW." and he's like, "...crap."
Rather predictably Mother Gothel stages a "rescue"/betrayal of Rapunzel and takes her back home, while Flynn gets captured by the palace guards and put in prison.
Gothel tries to console Rapunzel but she is forlorn and sadface. And looks wistfully at the sun symbol pennant she got in the town.
AND THEN SHE REALIZES SHE'S BEEN SUBCONSCIOUSLY PAINTING THE SAME SYMBOL INTO THE MURALS ON HER WALLS. AND SHE REMEMBERS SEEING THE SYMBOL ABOVE HER CRADLE AS AN INFANT AND THE FACE OF HER PARENTS, WHICH SHE'D ALSO SEEN IN A MOSAIC WHILE IN TOWN.
AND SHE CONCLUDES, "ZOMG! I'M THE LOST PRINCESS!" AND SHE GETS ALL HUFFY AND CALLS THE OLD WOMAN OUT AND MOTHER GOTHEL IS LIKE, "WELL FINE THEN UNGRATEFUL LITTLE WENCH, I CAN BE MUCH MEANER AND MORE ABUSIVE THAN I HAVE BEEN."
AND THEN THE MOTLEY CREW OF THUGS FROM BEFORE RESCUE FLYNN FROM HIS EXECUTION (BROUGHT BY THE HORSE MAXIMUS, WHO HAS OFFICIALLY BURIED THE HATCHET WITH FLYNN) AND HE RIDES RIDES RIDES TO THE TOWER TO RESCUE RAPUNZEL.
WHILE HE'S CLIMBING COURTESY OF HER HAIR I GO LIKE "CRAAAAAAP!" REMEMBERING THE ORIGINAL FAIRY TALE AND THAT THIS WAS THE PART WHEN THE WITCH CUT RAPUNZEL'S HAIR IN ORDER TO TRICK THE PRINCE AND KILL HIM.
WELL PART OF THAT IS ACCURATE. THIS WITCH CAN'T CUT RAPUNZEL'S HAIR SINCE, YOU KNOW, THAT DESTROYS THE MAGIC THAT KEEPS HER YOUNG. BUT SHE DOES MAKE A VALIANT ATTEMPT AT KILLING FLYNN.
RAPUNZEL IS LIKE, "NOOOOOO LET ME HEAL HIM PLEASE I PROMISE I'LL GO FAR FAR AWAY WITH YOU AND I'LL NEVER EVER LEAVE OR TRY TO ESCAPE JUST LET ME HEAL HIM PLEASE!"
AND GOTHEL IS LIKE, *SIGH!* "FINE. MAKE IT QUICK."
So Rapunzel prepares to heal Flynn and he's like, "No BB, you can't give up your freedom for me. I would rather die." and she's like, "But-but-"
AND THEN HE TAKES A SHARD OF BROKEN MIRROR AND IS ALL LIKE *SLIIIIIIIICE!*
DRAMATIC HAIRCUT!
AND HER HAIR GOES BROWN AND DEAD AND SHORT AND GOTHEL SCREAMS IN AGONY AS SHE AGES AND THEN SLOWLY DISINTEGRATES AND FALLS FROM THE TOWER AND HITS THE GROUND AS DUST.
YEAAAAAAHHEAAAAAH!
AND THEN FLYNN KIND OF DIES. BUT IT'S OKAY. IN A CLEVER NOD TO THE ORIGINAL FAIRY TALE, RAPUNZEL'S TEARS STILL HAVE A TOUCH OF HEALING MAGIC IN THEM AND IT IS ALL *SHINY* AND *GLOW* AND THEN FLYNN IS LIKE, "COUGH." AND RAPUNZEL IS ALL, "SQUEEEEEE!"
Rapunzel's short brown hair makes her look like an animated version of Twilight's Alice. It is strangely cute.
AND THEN WE CUT TO THE KING AND QUEEN AND A GUARD STUMBLES IN BREATHLESSLY AND I TEAR UP AT THE HEARTWARMING FAMILY REUNION.
AND THEN THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING. AND FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL GOT MARRIED (AFTER MANY YEARS) AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
AND I WAS SO HAPPY AND FILLED WITH DISNEY PRINCESS GLEE THAT I DIED OF JOOOOOOOOOY!
And then came back to life to write about it.
SO YEAH. I AM PRETTY MUCH IMMENSELY SATISFIED THAT MY LONG-EXPECTED PRINCESS MOVIE WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE AND MORE.
GO SEE IT NOW!
TANGLED.
I CANNOT DEAL WITH SUCH PURE CONCENTRATED AWESOME AND ADORABLE.
SERIOUSLY.
DISNEY PRINCESS MOVIES HOW YOU NEVER EVER FAIL MEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Trailer assessment for this movie-
Middle of the road. There were a couple that made me excited and flaily (LIKE ZOMG NARNIA DAWN TREADER DRAGON!EUSTACE ASLAN RAIMUNDO'S DAUGHTER MERMAIDS LILIES SQUEEEEEEEE!) and a couple that made me want to crawl under the seat cowering in a fetal position and wailing, "WHY DOES THIS EXIST?!" (The Smurfs and Yogi Bear, mostly. SERIOUSLY. WHY?!)
Along that note though, here, have an epic Narnia trailer:
Click to viewThe Protagonist-
OMG RAPUNZEL. RAPUNZEEEELLLLLL!
SHE WAS SO ADORABLE. SHE WAS LIKE, CUTENESS PERSONIFIED. SHE'D BE ALL "TEE!" AND I'D BE ALL "AWW!" AND THEN SHE WOULD DO SOMETHING CRAZY AWESOME WITH THAT LONG LONG LONG LONG HAIR OF HERS LIKE USE IT AS A SWING OR DRAPE IT IN SPIRALS ON THE FLOOR.
AND HER "I WANT" SONG DETAILS THE MANY MANY HOBBIES SHE'S PICKED UP AFTER BEING COOPED UP FOR SO LONG. LULZ.
The Love Interest-
FLYNN! Or Eugene rather, and my most confusing issue with his having a fake and a real name is which one to use to denote my shipping him with Rapunzel because OMG EPIC ADVENTURING BATTLE COUPLE FTW! He was like Prince Naveen without as much of the jerkish irresponsible laziness (or the Slap Slap Kiss dynamics with his lady love, which was pleasantly surprising). Same kind of general character development too. It was awesome.
NEARLY EVERY WORD THAT CAME OUT OF THIS MAN'S MOUTH WAS PURE HILARITY.
Also, quite the looker. Be still my heart.
The Cute Animal Sidekicks-
DUDE... RAPUNZEL'S ANIMAL SIDEKICK WAS A CHAMELEON. HOW FREAKING AWESOME IS THAT? PASCAL DIDN'T TALK BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE TO BECAUSE HE WAS JUST SO EMOTIVE AND EXPRESSIVE EVEN WITHOUT DIALOGUE.
DITTO THE HORSE MAXIMUS, WHO THEY MADE AS DOG-LIKE IN BEHAVIOR AS POSSIBLE FOR THE SHEER LULZ OF IT.
AND BELIEVE ME DEARS, LULZ WERE MOST DEFINITELY HAD.
The Villainess-
Mother Gothel! Boy was she a nasty piece of work. This bit of dialogue from the TV spots tells you all you need to know about her character.
Mother Gothel: (with Rapunzel, in front of mirror) I see a strong, confident, beautiful young woman.
Rapunzel: *sighs happily*
Mother Gothel: Oh look! You're here too.
YEAH. IT'S KIND OF LIKE THAT.
The Animation-
ASFALSKFHASF FLEEGLE BLORGLE SO PRETTY!
SOOOOOOO PREEEEEEETTTYYYYYYYYY...
Rapunzel's hair like woah and the lanterns like wow and the grass and the dresses and everything!
It was like, having the first five minute of Enchanted in computer-animated form.
Basically, RIDICULOUSLY PRETTY.
The Love Story-
HOMG DID I MENTION THE LACK OF CLICHE SLAP SLAP KISS DYNAMICS? THAT WAS A SURPRISE. BUT A PLEASANT ONE. BECAUSE FLYNN/EUGENE AND RAPUNZEL FALLING IN LOVE FELT SO SO MUCH MORE NATURAL AND ADORABLE AS A RESULT.
IT WASN'T FORCED.
IT WASN'T RUSHED.
IT WAS JUST THERE AND EPIC AND ADORABLE AND MADE OF CUTE AND I FLAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIILLLLLED.
LIKE WHEN RAPUNZEL WAS ALL LIKE, "YOU WILL TAKE ME TO SEE THE LANTERNS! OR I NO GIVE YOU BACK THE CROWN."
AND HE WAS LIKE, "PRETTY PLEASE GIVE IT BACK?" *PUPPY DOG EYES*
AND RAPUNZEL WAS ALL -__- AND IT HAD NO EFFECT?
AND THEN WHEN HE WAS ALL LIKE, "'KAY MY REAL NAME IS EUGENE AND HERE'S MY ANGSTY BACKSTORY."
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I LIKE YOU BETTER AS EUGENE." *HAPPYSMILE*
AND LATER WHEN RAPUNZEL WAS ALL, "KK I GIVE YOU BACK THE CROWN NOW." AND FLYNN RESPONDED BY BEING ALL, "FORGET THE CROWN BB, IT'S NOT IMPORTANT TO ME ANYMORE. ILU."
AND THEN WHEN HE WAS LIKE, "NO BB! I CANNOT LET YOU GIVE UP YOUR FREEDOM FOR ME! I WOULD RATHER DIE! I WILL SACRIFICE MY LIFE TO BREAK THE WITCH'S HOLD ON YOU!" *DRAMATICHAIRCUTSLICE*
YEAH. THESE TWO HIT ALL THE RIGHT POINTS FOR ME.
The Plot-
Um... pretty basic for Disney Princess Movies I guess? But hey, that's whole appeal so who am I to complain.
Strangely, followed the basic gist of the Rapunzel fairy tale pretty darn well, while also fleshing out the characters and their motivations.
SO IN THE BEGINNING MOTHER GOTHEL IS OLD AND WRINKLY AND SHE FINDS A MAGIC FLOWER THAT HAS SPROUTED FROM A TINY DROP OF SUNSHINE, AND SINGING OVER IT KEEPS HER YOUNG. SO SHE IS LIKE, "MY FLOWER! MINE!"
BUT THEN A KINGDOM SPROUTS UP OVER ON A NEARBY ISLAND AND THE QUEEN TAKES ILL WHILE PREGNANT WITH OUR PROTAGONIST RAPUNZEL. SO THE GUARDS AND SUBJECTS LOOK FOR A CURE AND WHADDA YA KNOW, THEY STUMBLE ACROSS THE FLOWER.
SO THEY TAKE THE FLOWER AND PLOP IT IN SOME WATER AND IT HEALS THE QUEEN. AND THEN SHE GIVES BIRTH TO THE BEAUTIFULLY GOLDEN-HAIRED RAPUNZEL. MOTHER GOTHEL SNEAKS INTO THE BABY'S ROOM AND SINGS HER SONG AND THE BABY'S HAIR GLOWS JUST LIKE THE FLOWER. SHE TRIES TO CUT A PIECE OFF SO SHE CAN USE IT TO KEEP HERSELF YOUNG FOREVER BUT THE STRAND TURNS BROWN AND LOSES ITS MAGIC, SO GOTHEL IS LIKE, "CRABSHACKLES! UM... OKAY I'M JUST TAKING THE BABY WHOLECLOTH!"
SO SHE DOES. AND MOMMY AND DADDY ARE SAD AND EVERY YEAR RELEASE GLOWING LANTERNS INTO THE SKY IN HOPES THAT SHE'LL BE FOUND ONE DAY. AND RAPUNZEL SEES THEM FROM HER TOWER WINDOW AND DREAMS ABOUT GETTING TO KNOW WHAT THEY ARE AND SEEING THEM IN PERSON. AND GOTHEL RAISES RAPUNZEL AND NEVER LETS HER OUTSIDE THE TOWER TELLING HER ALL SORTS OF LIES AND HORROR STORIES TO KEEP HER THERE, AND BRUSHES HER HAIR WHILE SINGING SO THAT SHE STAYS YOUNG FOREVER.
SELFISH BITCH.
FLASH FORWARD TO WHEN RAPUNZEL IS EIGHTEEN AND AN ADORABLE ARTIST WHO PAINTS ALL OVER HER TOWER AND READS BOOKS AND SHE'S LIKE, "MOMMY I REALLY WANT TO SEE THE PRETTY LIGHTS IN THE SKY IN PERSON THIS YEAR." AND GOTHEL IS LIKE, "LOL NO." AND RAPUNZEL IS LIKE : (
MEANWHILE FLYNN AND THE STABBINGTON BROTHERS (ONE OF WHICH IS VOICED BY RON PEARLMAN AKA SLADE WHAT THE FLYING BARBECUE) ARE BUSY STEALING A ROYAL CROWN FROM THE PALACE. RAPUNZEL'S CROWN IN FACT.
LOL IRONY.
THROUGH A HARROWING CHASE, IN WHICH WE ARE INTRODUCED TO THE HILARIOUS HORSE MAXIMUS AS HE TAILS FLYNN LIKE A BLOODHOUND, FLYNN WINDS UP INSIDE RAPUNZEL'S TOWER.
SHE WHACKS HIM OVER THE HEAD WITH A FRYING PAN. REPEATEDLY.
AT FIRST SHE TRIES TO HIDE HIM AND THEN PLANS ON SHOWING HIM TO GOTHEL SO THE WOMAN WILL BELIEVE THAT SHE CAN TAKE CARE OF HERSELF OUTSIDE THE TOWER BUT GOTHEL IS LIKE, "YOU ARE NEVER LEAVING HERE EVER!"
AND RAPUZEL WIBBLES.
AND THEN SHE CUTS A DEAL WITH FLYNN AND TELLS HIM IF HE'LL GUIDE HER TO THE KINGDOM AND TAKE HER TO SEE THE LANTERNS, THEN SHE'LL LET HIM HAVE THE CROWN BACK. FLYNN INITIALLY IS LIKE, "THE HECK?" BUT EVENTUALLY HE AGREES.
AND RAPUNZEL GOES OUTSIDE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HER LIFE AND IT IS GLORIOUS. AND SHE HAS HILARIOUS BIPOLAR PERIODS OF "YAYYAY I'M OUTSIDE I'M OUTSIDE WHEEEEE!" AND "OH MY GOSH MY MOTHER'S GOING TO KILL ME WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING OH NOOOOOOOO!"
And Flynn is patiently tolerant, even if he does immediately then take her to a seedy bar to make her skittish enough to want to call off the deal and go home. Rapunzel keeps her frying pan with her the whole time and it is funny to watch her (and then later Flynn) brandish it threateningly like a weapon.
Meanwhile Mother Gothel comes across the riderless Maximus and immediately panics and rushes straight home to discover Rapunzel is gone. (The girl had begged for her to go get her more shells to make a specific paint, and it's a three-day journey.) She finds the crown, and one of Flynn's wanted posters and is immediately very vindictive. And tracks her "daughter" down.
Turns out the rough and tough-looking patrons of the bar are actually a bunch of softies and after Rapunzel explains her dream to see the lanterns to them, they help her and Flynn escape the guards.
AND THERE IS AN AWESOME ACTION SEQUENCE WITH THE MILL AT THE END OF THE ESCAPE TUNNEL, IN WHICH RAPUNZEL IS CRAZY AWESOME AND RESOURCEFUL WITH HER HAIR. AND FLYNN SWORD-FIGHTS THE HORSE WITH RAPUNZEL'S FRYING PAN.
Much of this movie's hilarity can also be derived from its crazy-awesomeness.
Rapunzel and Flynn get stuck in a cavern which is filling with water. Flynn decides that, as long as he's going to die, he might as well tell someone his real name: Eugene Fitzherbert. Rapunzel spills a secret in turn: she has magic hair that glows when she sings.
AND THEN SHE REALIZES, "OH YEAH! I HAVE MAGIC HAIR THAT GLOWS!" and they use its light to find the way out.
Mother Gothel comes across the Stabbington Brothers, who are none too happy about being left in the dirt by Flynn/Eugene, and enlists their aide, promising them something vague and nefarious.
AND THEN FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL HAVE AN ADORABLE BONDING MOMENT BY THE FIRE. RAPUNZEL SHOWS OFF THE HEALING PROPERTIES OF HER HAIR ("Don't freak." FTW!) AND FLYNN SPILLS HIS ORPHAN BACKSTORY AND ANGST.
It's kind of ruined when Flynn goes off to get more firewood and Mother Gothel shows up, begging Rapunzel to come home, but Rapunzel is like, "No." and then Gothel is like, "What." and then she has a reprise of her awesome Villain Song which is chillingly awesome. And she basically tells Rapunzel, "Pfft! The guy doesn't love you. Here, give him back the crown and he'll split just like that. THE WORLD IS A DARK CRUEL PLACE AND YOU WANT TO STAY HOME WITH MOMMY FOREVER." before going VOOSH and vanishing.
AND THEN MAXIMUS THE HORSE FINDS FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL. AND ENDLESS LULZ ARE HAD AS RAPUNZEL MAKES INSTANT FRIENDS WITH THE HORSE AND GETS HIM TO HOLD OFF ON FETCHING PALACE GUARDS TO ARREST FLYNN.
AND THEN THERE IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ADORABLE MONTAGE OF RAPUNZEL AND FLYNN INSIDE THE TOWN.
RAPUNZEL HAS DIFFICULTY WITH PEOPLE TREADING ON HER HAIR AND THEN FLYNN NOTICES FOUR LITTLE GIRLS WHO ARE SITTING BRAIDING EACH OTHERS' HAIR AND HE WHISTLES TO THEM AND POINTS TO RAPUNZEL'S HAIR.
AND THE GIRLS ARE LIKE "EEEEE!" AND THEY BRAID HER HAIR AND PUT FLOWERS IN IT MAKING HER EVEN MORE PRETTY AND ADORABLE.
AND THEN RAPUNZEL DANCES AND PAINTS ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK AND FLYNN WATCHES HER WITH AWE AND THE FLICKERINGS OF LOVE. AND THERE IS BEAUTIFUL MUSIC AND CHOREOGRAPHY.
AND THEN THERE'S THIS BRIEF, DIALOGUE-LESS SCENE WITH THE KING AND QUEEN AND IT IS TEARJERKING AS THE QUEEN FINISHES TOUCHING UP HUBBY AND HE'S GOT A SINGLE TEAR RUNNING DOWN HIS CHEEK BECAUSE THEY ARE LOSING HOOOOOOPPPE.
AND THEN FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL TAKE A ROMANTIC BOAT RIDE ON THE LAKE TO WATCH AS THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS OF GORGEOUS GLOWING LANTERNS ARE RELEASED INTO THE SKY. AND THEY ARE SINGING A LOVE DUET AND RAPUNZEL GIVES BACK THE CROWN BUT FLYNN IS LIKE, "EH, LATER DEAR." AND THEN THEY ARE ABOUT TO KISS AND I'M LIKE, "YES YES YES!"
And then the moment is broken by Flynn seeing one of the brothers on the shore and I'm like, "DAGNABBIT!"
Flynn rows ashore and goes to give the crown to the brothers (and then return to his love) but they're like, "LOL NO WE WANT THE MAGIC GIRL NOW." and he's like, "...crap."
Rather predictably Mother Gothel stages a "rescue"/betrayal of Rapunzel and takes her back home, while Flynn gets captured by the palace guards and put in prison.
Gothel tries to console Rapunzel but she is forlorn and sadface. And looks wistfully at the sun symbol pennant she got in the town.
AND THEN SHE REALIZES SHE'S BEEN SUBCONSCIOUSLY PAINTING THE SAME SYMBOL INTO THE MURALS ON HER WALLS. AND SHE REMEMBERS SEEING THE SYMBOL ABOVE HER CRADLE AS AN INFANT AND THE FACE OF HER PARENTS, WHICH SHE'D ALSO SEEN IN A MOSAIC WHILE IN TOWN.
AND SHE CONCLUDES, "ZOMG! I'M THE LOST PRINCESS!" AND SHE GETS ALL HUFFY AND CALLS THE OLD WOMAN OUT AND MOTHER GOTHEL IS LIKE, "WELL FINE THEN UNGRATEFUL LITTLE WENCH, I CAN BE MUCH MEANER AND MORE ABUSIVE THAN I HAVE BEEN."
AND THEN THE MOTLEY CREW OF THUGS FROM BEFORE RESCUE FLYNN FROM HIS EXECUTION (BROUGHT BY THE HORSE MAXIMUS, WHO HAS OFFICIALLY BURIED THE HATCHET WITH FLYNN) AND HE RIDES RIDES RIDES TO THE TOWER TO RESCUE RAPUNZEL.
WHILE HE'S CLIMBING COURTESY OF HER HAIR I GO LIKE "CRAAAAAAP!" REMEMBERING THE ORIGINAL FAIRY TALE AND THAT THIS WAS THE PART WHEN THE WITCH CUT RAPUNZEL'S HAIR IN ORDER TO TRICK THE PRINCE AND KILL HIM.
WELL PART OF THAT IS ACCURATE. THIS WITCH CAN'T CUT RAPUNZEL'S HAIR SINCE, YOU KNOW, THAT DESTROYS THE MAGIC THAT KEEPS HER YOUNG. BUT SHE DOES MAKE A VALIANT ATTEMPT AT KILLING FLYNN.
RAPUNZEL IS LIKE, "NOOOOOO LET ME HEAL HIM PLEASE I PROMISE I'LL GO FAR FAR AWAY WITH YOU AND I'LL NEVER EVER LEAVE OR TRY TO ESCAPE JUST LET ME HEAL HIM PLEASE!"
AND GOTHEL IS LIKE, *SIGH!* "FINE. MAKE IT QUICK."
So Rapunzel prepares to heal Flynn and he's like, "No BB, you can't give up your freedom for me. I would rather die." and she's like, "But-but-"
AND THEN HE TAKES A SHARD OF BROKEN MIRROR AND IS ALL LIKE *SLIIIIIIIICE!*
DRAMATIC HAIRCUT!
AND HER HAIR GOES BROWN AND DEAD AND SHORT AND GOTHEL SCREAMS IN AGONY AS SHE AGES AND THEN SLOWLY DISINTEGRATES AND FALLS FROM THE TOWER AND HITS THE GROUND AS DUST.
YEAAAAAAHHEAAAAAH!
AND THEN FLYNN KIND OF DIES. BUT IT'S OKAY. IN A CLEVER NOD TO THE ORIGINAL FAIRY TALE, RAPUNZEL'S TEARS STILL HAVE A TOUCH OF HEALING MAGIC IN THEM AND IT IS ALL *SHINY* AND *GLOW* AND THEN FLYNN IS LIKE, "COUGH." AND RAPUNZEL IS ALL, "SQUEEEEEE!"
Rapunzel's short brown hair makes her look like an animated version of Twilight's Alice. It is strangely cute.
AND THEN WE CUT TO THE KING AND QUEEN AND A GUARD STUMBLES IN BREATHLESSLY AND I TEAR UP AT THE HEARTWARMING FAMILY REUNION.
AND THEN THERE WAS MUCH REJOICING. AND FLYNN AND RAPUNZEL GOT MARRIED (AFTER MANY YEARS) AND LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
AND I WAS SO HAPPY AND FILLED WITH DISNEY PRINCESS GLEE THAT I DIED OF JOOOOOOOOOY!
And then came back to life to write about it.
SO YEAH. I AM PRETTY MUCH IMMENSELY SATISFIED THAT MY LONG-EXPECTED PRINCESS MOVIE WAS EVERYTHING I WANTED IT TO BE AND MORE.
GO SEE IT NOW!