five. consumption

[tarareid_]

common knowledge tells you that i like to drink and have fun, so here i bring you tara reid's tips on how to get shitfaced as soon as possible:

• first, the golden rule is never drink water or soda before you start indulging in alcohol. you always drink more when you're thristy so just bypass the non-alcoholic shit and you will be well on your way to oblivion in no time.


• drink quickly. most people don't enjoy the taste of beer some don't even like the harshness of alcohol so your best bet is to take gulps to get to the point where you can't really taste or focus on what you are drinking. and really who doesn't enjoy kissing some hottie when you cna hardly feel your tongue? sipping is for beginners. enjoy your drink by knocking back as many as possible so you can enjoy more of them.


• drinking sometimes leads to munchies like chomping on pretzels or peanuts blah blah ... just say no! don't do it. eating slows your drinking pace and alcohol is absorbed slower when you have a full stomach. my advice don't eat unless you start to get too dizzy too fast. but that's usually the part i like most so i would never choose to stop it.


• don't do one drink at a time. if someone offers to top off your drink let them. in your mind you will think you're just having one drink when in fact you've probably had about four. it's always better when you can't keep track of how much alcohol you consume.


• never "pace yourself." that's for pansy lightweights. none of that "spacer" (non-alcoholic drink) between every second or third drink. and sure as fuck do not drink plenty of water that's a big no-no.


• if you stay busy you drink less. for example if you are playing pool you don't really get to just drink. my suggestion is never let the glass leave your hand. i enjoy dancing but i also don't mind spilling drinks so i just take my glass with me. this ensures that i never forget to drink while i'm busy. always keep your glass! this also prevents roofie slippage unless you're into that stuff which is fine for some.

these are just a few things one can do to acheive a nice night of boozing it up. some side effects include hangovers, fuzzy tongue, toilet praying, falling, sleeping with strangers, etc. none of that is too terribly scary so just fucking enjoy yourself.

remember kids: drinking is the best medicine.

this was only half serious.