this is for you.
i suggest you sit down, get comfortable, grab a coffee, because this is going to be a very long, drawn-out entry, should you choose to read it. (it's only intended to be seen by one person, you know who you are)
maybe you can try to stop calling me a drama queen, or telling me that i'm overreacting; and instead, take time to listen to why i feel the way i do, or why i say the things i say. and maybe i'll try to hit on all the points that need to be taken into consideration. so please, let go of your prejudices for the 10 minutes it takes you to read this, and just listen to me.
1. college
i dont care what you say about this topic, i dont care how you see it, i'm going to tell you exactly how it is. this is not, and never was, about the act of you going to college this was the way you're handling it when you talk to me about it. you know very well that i'm going to miss you, i guess that's not a natural feeling? but i have my own ways of dealing with the fact that you're going in the fall, and it doesn't help when you make the comments that you do. and you know what you're saying when you say them, and you know how i would interpret them, you know me well enough to know that by now. but i'm sick and tired of you saying that i'm taking this whole thing too personal, and that you're leaving your family before me, and whatever else you tried to say to me. you said the comments to me. directly to me. so clearly you wanted me to hear them. like i said, you knew how i would react. this is not about me being selfish, this is about you rubbing it in my face.
and yes, my personal fears and problems are present in this case. i can't help it that i'm afraid of being left alone, it's an underlying fear that's evolved over the past couple of years. if you dont already understand (believe me, you dont know everything, because i havent told you everything), then i doubt you ever will. take into account something you fear, your deepest fear, or rather your most sensitive spot. and then, imagine your best friend heightening your insecurities day after day.
i am in no way telling you not to be happy that you're going off to college, i'm not saying that you should change your career goals (i dont appreciate the sarcasm when it came to that either, considering you knew that was never the case), what im saying is that you can lighten up on the enthusiasm about the topic of having new friends when you're talking to me. how would you feel if i kept saying "i can't wait until you leave because i can make new friends", because that is basically what you're saying to me, only backwards. dont tell me not to take it personal. you would if you were in the same position. its a very mean thing to do to keep pushing it in my face that life will be so much better away from "the people you're around". and listen, i'm not making myself central in the comment, i'm saying that i'm one of the ones you hang around most, so what's that saying about me? how am i supposed to take it if i'm not supposed to feel like that's about me?
2. my definition of friendship
first, and foremost, i believe that friendship is what defines us, not how we define it. the type of friend we are says what kind of person we are. friends are the people who know everything about you, have heard every story and every complaint, and accept you, flaws and all. don't think i'm not grateful for everything you've done for me, dont think i dont realize the significance of it all, dont think i've taken it for granted.
for the most part, you've been a wonderful friend. you volunteer to do things for me, you try to cheer me up, you offer to do things just for the sake of doing them, and for no other gain. what i really dont appreciate was everything i heard last night. i cannot stand it when i have to sit there and listen to people naming off my problems, personal and otherwise. as much as i know about our friendship, i know about myself, tenfold. i've had to put up with myself for the entirety of my life, and i'll continue to do so, for i have no other choice. i'm not perfect. i'm not even close. i've come to that realization time and time again, and i'm sick of trying to appease people. what i dislike is the fact that you have to ridicule me for my problems. friends don't do that to one another. i dont sit down, think of ways to belittle you, and then proceed to shoot down your confidence. i dont do that because i hate it being done to me. friends accept your problems when you can't accept your own. friends are what pull you through hard times, they are not the cause.
and maybe it's partly my moms fault for my outlook on friendship. my mom is very much like myself -- what most would call a bitter, hollow, shell of a woman. so she's been through hard times, what friends she always thought she could count on let her down every single time. and she passed on her knowledge and experiences of betrayed friendship to me. and her words of inspiration, "friends can never do it for you, because you never know when they'll just leave or get sick of you. instead, find it in yourself and do it alone, because the more dependence you lay on others, the more susceptible you are to a great let down." regardless of negativity, of pessimism, you know there's truth to that. "if you want something done right, do it yourself." whoever said that knew people can't always be counted on. this is not just me and my inability to let people in on my life; it's the fact that i always relied on other people to bring me happiness, and you can't lay that on other people's shoulders. nobody can bring you true happiness, sure a laugh or two, but in the end, if you rely on your friends to fulfill you, you're gonna reach your hand in, and pull out nothing. and in finding this, you're going to be more disappointed, not only with the failure of others to make you feel good, but with yourself.
"So apparently I get to save on gas money now?! "<< and another thing. i have never treated you as "a taxi" as you like to call it; i have never taken you for granted; i have never used you to get a ride, or whatever it is you feel that i'm doing. inside, you know i haven't. i'm not like that. and i resent the fact that you are trying to make me feel guilty about it. brenna, you volunteer to give me rides, you ask if i want to go out somewhere with you, knowing i dont have a car and that i dont have money (seldom). and by this fight we've been having, all i can see is you getting happy because the burden of me "bumming rides off of you" has been lifted. thanks. because that comment makes me feel like complete shit and if you can't realize what you're doing to me when you say shit like that, then you are in for a rude awakening. i guess all i was to you was a leech. so while i depleted your gas, you depleted my self-worth. another thing that friends don't do.
3. sean
wow. who would've ever thought that sean would've gotten between us. and you cannot blame it all on me, for "alienating" my friends through having a boyfriend, because the fault lays on both of our laps.
yes, i've been spending a lot of time with him, i'll admit it. but what do you expect? you knew when i got a boyfriend that i would be doing things with him -- that's what couples do. i have never made plans with you, and then dropped them because i'd rather do something with him. i have never done that to you, and i've never done that to him. so we dont do as many things together as we used to, but that's natural. it's not my choice. why do you think i always wanted to do stuff with the two of you. you actually get along with my boyfriend, unlike my last one, and i was excited about that. i was so happy that we could all hang out, joke around, watch movies, and just have fun, because it meant that i got to spend time with two of my favorite people. so i guess this is all my fault. the fact that i hug him in your presence, i apologize, but i dont want to make him feel bad in return by not showing him any affection because you're around. and it's not like we sit there and make-out in front of you, or anything like that. we sit beside each other on the couch. big deal. i dont know if it's resentment, or jealousy, or what, but it isn't like you to act like this. sean is not our problem, we are our problem. and he feels bad now because he thinks that he's gotten in between us, when it's our own differences and arguments that've caused whatever wedge thats in our relationship.
when i got a boyfriend, i figured you would be happy for me, not that you'd hold it against me.
and in regards to me alienating and jeopardizing our friendship, because of him, the door swings both ways. you and kelsey both claim that i never do anything with you anymore, or that we're attached at the hip, or that we can never spend 2 minutes apart. why do you think we're always doing things together? it's not just because we're wrapped up in ourselves. it's that we have no other plans. why is this entirely my fault for the deterioration of my friendships, when my friends never ask to do things with me either? don't think i haven't noticed that you never want to do anything with me anymore. dont think i haven't realized that you never ask to go anywhere, even to walmart or the mall. dont think i havent faced the gradual decline of things that we do together. i want to know why this is laid upon my shoulders? why am i responsible to make the plans all the time, or balance them out? if you want to do something, ask. the reason that i'm always with sean when you call to ask if i want to go somewhere, is because we had already made plans, and i was free. dont you realize that it makes me feel like shit that you never ask to do anything anymore?? and as for kelsey, who likes to say the same thing, she never asks to do things until it's too late too. if i already have plans with sean, i'm not going to break them, because it's rude to blow people off like that. if i had plans with you, and sean called, i wouldn't break my plans with you, either. that's the way i am. i guess i need to change. if you want to do something JUST TELL ME i'll be HAPPY to do something.
4. my plethora of flaws
as mentioned before, i know i'm not perfect. and apparently the fact that i realize that is an imperfection in itself. so i'm hard on myself, how does that affect you? so i dont like myself all the time, so i dont want to accept how i am, so i'm not happy with the person i am, but that's nobody's business but my own. i'm old enough to know the things i do, the actions i take, and the potential consequences that i may have to face for it. you're not the all-knowing. you've been alive 3 more years than i have, that hardly gains you the knowledge of the world. thanks for trying to help me, but it's not help when you're condescending. patronizing me doesnt help me in the least. if you really thought i had a problem, if you really were concerned about my well-being, would you treat it this way? here's a clue -- if you think someone has a real problem, don't lecture and ridicule them. you have to offer understanding, you have to treat the situation with care. if you think that i'm so bad off that all i do is self-pity and i'm a basketcase, then saying things like "i cant deal with your shit" or "i cant put up with you", don't help in the least.
i'm a mean person. get over it. if i think there's any problem to that, i'll deal with it myself. my actions now will dictate who i become in my future, and how my life will turn out. i know that. so i'm an awful person, because i follow the philosophy of, treat others as they have treated you, rather than treat others the way you want to be treated . that's who i am. i dont feel the need to sell out to people, and try to gain their acceptance if i see in them things that i dont want to see in me. i'm not going to pretend to like someone who has wronged me. i'm not going to be two-faced and be happy and nice to someone that i dont like. if i dont like someone, i'm not going to hide it. this way, there is no falseness. if there was someone that didnt like me, i would rather know that they not like me, instead of thinking they like me all along, when in actuality they don't. so i guess that makes me a bad person. i'm not mean to the people i care for, or the people who have always been nice to me. i'm not mean to you, not intentionally, not in the least. if i joke around with people i don't do it maliciously. so if you're going to bring up kelsey and the way i tease her, you need to realize that she teases me back. we have that kind of relationship. i never purposely set out to harm you, kelsey, my boyfriend, or anyone i know that means anything to me. i'm sorry for the way i am. i'm sorry that you dont like it. but just because you don't accept it, doesnt mean you have to criticize the person that i am.
you say you lecture me about this for my own well-being or to prevent me from being lonely in the future. lonliness is not always a punishment, it's a condition. people dont always bring lonliness upon themselves. this stems back to the fact that people aren't always going to be there for you. i know what i do, i know what i say, i know the consequences and i dont need to be told that i'm such a bad person that i'm going to end up all alone and miserable because of it all. i dont appreciate my fate being decided so early in my adolescence.
i'm sorry for the way i am, i'm sorry that you don't like it, i'm sorry for whatever it is that i've done to you unknowingly. but i'm not going to take full blame for the entirety of our problems. i'm not going to be the only person at fault for our fall-out. i dont know how this is going to turn out, i dont know if we're ever going to get past this, and i dont know what you want from me. there's a million things that i dont know. but theres one thing i do know, and that's that we are both in this together. it's up to you now, i've spoke my peace, and i dont want to say any more on the subject. i spent too long worrying about this, too much time crying over this, and i'm too tired to keep trying to make you see what i'm trying to say. say what you want, or don't -- either way, it's your choice. at least i can say i tried to get through to you, and i tried to tell you how i feel. if you don't want anything else to do with me, fine. do what you'd like. i just can't keep going on like this. i'm never going to forget the things you said to me. if you want to try to salveage our friendship, tell me. if you don't, i guess i can't do anything about it. but i'm not okay with the things you said, and i'm not okay with the way you're treating me.