(no subject)
okay so i'm VERY excited right now!! Today i had to go to my bullshit counseling session and go through all that shit...but when the session was over, my counselor told me that this would be the last time he would have to meet with me. Thank you for finally realizing that i'm smart enough to think for myself, that i'm mature enough to pass my own judgements, that i'm old enough to choose who i want, and who i dont want to be around. Is the fact that I'm shutting a person that I "love" out of my life completely unhealthy?-- of course it is. Is it bad that I can't let go of the resentment that i harness towards him?-- definitely. I hate the fact that your blood is running through my veins, I hate the fact that there is no way that I can erase you from my mind without erasing myself as well, I hate the fact that every man I meet, I will judge him according to your example. With any guy I hold ties to, I'm going to compare him to you and all of your negative personality flaws. How is that fair? Let's see...for example, Andy- have you ever wondered why I was so upset that you kept blowing me off to hang out with your friends??...hmm...perhaps it's because of the fact that that is EXACTLY what my dad did to me. Ever stop to think of that? And you wonder why you said your friends meant more to you than I did...and I heard my dad saying the exact same thing to me. Did you ever once think of how i would feel when you said that? oh whatever, i know you don't care, and i probably wouldn't if i were you either. I hate the fact that I can't let this grudge go. How healthy is it to hold feelings of such hatred and resentment for someone your entire life?? I realize it's not good, I know it's detrimental to not only my own life, but also any guy (hypothetically speaking, of course) that I get involved with. Basically, I'm fucked from the beginning. The most important role model in a girl's life is her father, and the influences he sets upon her, because for the rest of her life, she will judge all men she meets on him. This means that either I'll never have any successful relationships, I'll never have any relationships period, or i'll get involved in relationships that are doomed for failure. Bleek future? I'd say so. I just can't wait!!...
It's true what they say- forgiveness is one of the hardest things to practice. I can't swallow my own pride to forgive you. That, and the fact that i don't necessarily want to forgive you. Yes, I'd like to live one day without feeling the way i do. what a breath of fresh air...but on the other hand, I dont want you to learn that when you fuck up so awfully, when you betray someone you're supposed to love, when you ruin a relationship, that it's to be taken lightly. If I forgive you, I'd feel like I was letting you get away with doing this to me. And maybe if i never talk to you again, you might realize the consequences of your actions. And maybe you'll never do that to anyone again.
I just went from excited and happy straight to depressed...again ha! yay...
Oh and on thursday I have to go to my doctor to get checked out because I get headaches every fuckin day and it's not healthy. So I may have to get an MRI (cat scan) because of it. Yeah, i guess that really gives me something to look forward to, right?
I'm better off alone. I'm better off not having many friends, not having a boyfriend, and not having parental figures. That way I can't disappoint anyone, and in turn, they can't let me down either. I guess that's the best way for it to be...and that's the way it probably will be, regardless of whether I'm accepting of it or not...