All human beings are also dream beings. Dreaming ties all mankind together.
Little girls dream of finding a knight in shining armor and wind up marrying a mechanic in levis and flannel. When you're little dreams seem so real, you don't know anything of the world, anything of reality, and everything seems plausible. I remember designing my future home and things like Olympic sized swimming pools filled with jello came into play. When you get older, and find yourself in reality, you remember dreams. Remember what you wanted. Remember how real it all seemed and even now that you know, deep down, that none of it is possible, sometimes it still seems that way. Your job sucks because you're sure that someone out there has you dream job. All the stuff you have sucks because someone out there has the stuff you dreamed about. Your relationship... isn't everything you wanted because maybe the knight is out there, with someone else. Soul mates, I guess. My big dream when I was little was that I would find my soul mate.
My mother tells me that she believes there is one perfect, one absolutely perfect person for everyone. Just one. The One. She says that my father isn't it, and that she might have found him someday if she had kept on looking, but who knows when that would have been? She also believes that while there is but one perfect person, there are several very right people. I've never been one to settle. All of this worries me deeply.
I Love Josh. Honestly, deeply, uncompromisingly. Really. I think he has the potential to be very close to absolutely perfect for me, but because it's only potential he isn't The One. Maybe you meet someone that's pretty right and eventually they become The One? Who knows. I always thought that Buttercup and Wesley weren't right for each other, she's way too shallow for him. Anyway. I need someone more affectionate. Someone more thoughtful. Someone who talks to me when he's angry, or sad, or upset or whatever. Josh doesn't. He's kind, and loving, and smarter than he leads on to be, but there are things about him that I want to change. I hate even thinking that. I talked to him about this last night, and he told me that while you shouldn't have to change someone to be happy with them, fixing someone from the damage of past relationships doesn't count as change. It's just repair. ... He needs a lot of repair for me to be perfectly happy with him.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. There are days where we just lay around and watch movies and I'm almost nauseated at the sight of us, we're so happy with each other. But there are days where he sits on the couch and I sit on the floor and try everything I can think of to try and get him to show some sort of emotion. Days when I'm so tired of coming on to him that I just give up altogether and nothing happens between us.
I've been dreaming about other men lately, and they've been throwing Josh and I into sharp relief. Some of them are men I know, some of them are men I've dreamed about for a long time. I even dreamed about Tony; granted, we were in the middle of the ocean on jet-skis and we both fell in and he drown me (symbolic? I think SO!) but that's besides the point. I'm so close to getting married to someone who may not be perfect for me. What if, several years after I'm married, I meet The One? I never, ever want to get a divorce. It's scary. Commitment is scary. And I know that if I don't marry Josh that I'm going to be alone forever. I get hit on at least twice a day in my new comic book store, so picking up another guy is not the issue. I love the excitement of first dates and first kisses. Love it. Love. But I like stability more.
chh. Mechanic in flannel? What the hell is that? I can fix cars better than he can. Josh isn't my knight, he's a geek in a Star Wars t-shirt, but I chose him, and that has to count for something. <3
My mother tells me that she believes there is one perfect, one absolutely perfect person for everyone. Just one. The One. She says that my father isn't it, and that she might have found him someday if she had kept on looking, but who knows when that would have been? She also believes that while there is but one perfect person, there are several very right people. I've never been one to settle. All of this worries me deeply.
I Love Josh. Honestly, deeply, uncompromisingly. Really. I think he has the potential to be very close to absolutely perfect for me, but because it's only potential he isn't The One. Maybe you meet someone that's pretty right and eventually they become The One? Who knows. I always thought that Buttercup and Wesley weren't right for each other, she's way too shallow for him. Anyway. I need someone more affectionate. Someone more thoughtful. Someone who talks to me when he's angry, or sad, or upset or whatever. Josh doesn't. He's kind, and loving, and smarter than he leads on to be, but there are things about him that I want to change. I hate even thinking that. I talked to him about this last night, and he told me that while you shouldn't have to change someone to be happy with them, fixing someone from the damage of past relationships doesn't count as change. It's just repair. ... He needs a lot of repair for me to be perfectly happy with him.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not unhappy. There are days where we just lay around and watch movies and I'm almost nauseated at the sight of us, we're so happy with each other. But there are days where he sits on the couch and I sit on the floor and try everything I can think of to try and get him to show some sort of emotion. Days when I'm so tired of coming on to him that I just give up altogether and nothing happens between us.
I've been dreaming about other men lately, and they've been throwing Josh and I into sharp relief. Some of them are men I know, some of them are men I've dreamed about for a long time. I even dreamed about Tony; granted, we were in the middle of the ocean on jet-skis and we both fell in and he drown me (symbolic? I think SO!) but that's besides the point. I'm so close to getting married to someone who may not be perfect for me. What if, several years after I'm married, I meet The One? I never, ever want to get a divorce. It's scary. Commitment is scary. And I know that if I don't marry Josh that I'm going to be alone forever. I get hit on at least twice a day in my new comic book store, so picking up another guy is not the issue. I love the excitement of first dates and first kisses. Love it. Love. But I like stability more.
chh. Mechanic in flannel? What the hell is that? I can fix cars better than he can. Josh isn't my knight, he's a geek in a Star Wars t-shirt, but I chose him, and that has to count for something. <3