(no subject)
I was so happy. it all came crashing down on me
The follow up meeting was boring. Robbie, you looked way cute. your so beautiful
well i almost got pulled over today and lord knows i dont have a liscense, it was a police chase. well felt like it. it was scary. okay it all started that i turned down this one road...extremely fast and it was a dead end and i had to come back well i get back up there and there he awaits, he was on the other side of the road on the side like ready to do a U-Turn and so i put on my blinker for the other way well he looks right at me and goes up a ways and then pulls over again so i thought he was going to wait for me to pass him so he could come up behind me and pull me over. well then i start freaking out and i go straight well kind of straight it wasnt technically straight and he puts it in reverse so i take off down this road freaking out. call tina lost service and i was lost. found my way and went to Tinas to visit her. it was tragic
well all was well. i was excited Adam called, well he made me feel so low of myself. i am the biggest mistake in this world it feels like. he made me cry so hard. im such a fuck up. i shouldnt do the things i do, i should go back where i came from just like he said. i hate this so much. why does he put me through this when all i want is for him is to be happy?! does he like to see me miserable?? i can only handle so much. i started sobbing and he was being so rude telling me i was stupid and all of this and that. i felt like my world came crashing down on me. i am nothing but nice to him and he treats me like dirt. i wish i could just take it all back, everything, but i cant! i hate this feeling so much, the feeling of emptieness. i hate it. i loved him i cared for him. i still love him i still care for him why does he do this to me!? i was fine, im not no more. i feel like giving up on EVERYTHING. i hate it
he says were not going to talk untill New Years and were goona start all over. it wont work. i will get hurt again. its been the same cycle over and over again. ITS ME...NOT HIM...i am the stupid dumb mistake in everyones life. sometimes i wish i would just leave and never come back and be secluded in a room so no one can hurt me no more, and i cant hurt anyone. its all my fault!!!
i often find myself wondering why God puts this all on me?! what do i do to deserve this? i understand so many people have it so worse than me but seriously when will i be happy in my life?! i ahve NEVER once been truely happy for a long period of time. it seems like all people want to do is hurt me. my parents didnt care for me growing up, they hated me, then will hurt me, now adam. Adam means so much to me, more than any other person right now and for him to keep hurting me kills me. i know i can move on and forget about it, but i feel like no guy likes me, guess they all hate me at whitehall according to adam. I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH! I am not mad at anyone but myself.