(no subject)
The days of my life are catching up with me. I consumed more smoke from cigs and booze from drinks then from the five major food groups last week. Nothing was wrong but nothing seemed to go right. I find that I spend so much time anticipating how something will go that when it really happens I am disappointed. It is almost as though I am trying to live through my dreams. My spell of not falling asleep until 2 something in the morning and waking up at 6 is starting to fade. As evidence that I fell asleep at 1 last night. Hopefully tonight it will be earlier. I just want to escape things.
The pressures of school and graduation are killing me. Everyone else in my program is going to graduate school and I am sitting and questioning if I am graduating with the right degree. I miss theater. I miss it so badly I want to cry. Watching movies, I watch every technical aspect. Going to shows I spend more time watching the lighting, looking at the roadies, listening to the sound then watching the band rock out. I want to go to the theater; I want to dance on the stage as I paint a set. I want to design costumes. I miss writing mini plays and dialog. I miss my technical theater major. The endless reading of scripts, the nights building, the set design… and now here I sit writing a psychology essay and working on setting up an internship.
But I will graduate with my art therapy degree in May and go into the big scary world. I will try my hardest to be brave, to smile to find a job. I will be charming at interviews. I will be perfect and people will wonder if they can hire me on the spot or if that is unprofessional. Then the moment that I land the job, I will open a bottle of wine with the love of my life at that particular moment and celebrate. After our second glass we will realize that this means I am moving away. Finish our third, maybe fourth glass and head to bed where without thinking we will share a passionate night. In the morning we will awake and head to Indie Coffee to get mugs of chai and discuss what this move will mean to our relationship. Soon we will realize that we simply can not practically be together, so we decide to spend time as we normally do and not let my leaving impede on our relationship. In a few weeks when I start to pack things up, we spend the nights at their house as to not make things difficult. Then one morning I wake up and get my coffee with my boxes packed in the back of my Honda and I drive off into the summer’s afternoon sun crying, which I blame on the sun in my eyes, but I know it’s a mixture of fear of the unknown on the coast and the missing of my love.
This all sounds ideal, where in reality I am going to graduate in May continue to work at Larry B’s for the summer. At the end I will probably move back home and try and find a job in that area while I raise money to go to the coasts to interview. I may have some good interviews, but my lack of skill and not going to graduate school will make employers nervous. In a year or two I will give up on the job search and apply to graduate school. By this time, the people that I got my undergrad with will be graduating with their masters and I will be behind. I will once again be behind. So I will struggle through graduate school and when I am done hopefully reapply and find a job.
For the rest of this year, I will be so busy with these stresses that there will be no time for that great love. It’s not hard to believe. Things with that girl aren’t going well. She isn’t ready to date and I frankly don’t know if I have the time or patience to deal with her. The other lady and I had a talk a week ago, in which we realized that we should just be friends. Boys suck as usual. Being an equal opportunity dater one might think that I have more options- instead I am the universal ”lets just be friends” girl.
So I continue to work. I will continue to work on my art. I am continuing to go out with friends for an occasional drink to hear a good band and I am ok with this. It just gets lonely late at night when I can’t sleep.
The pressures of school and graduation are killing me. Everyone else in my program is going to graduate school and I am sitting and questioning if I am graduating with the right degree. I miss theater. I miss it so badly I want to cry. Watching movies, I watch every technical aspect. Going to shows I spend more time watching the lighting, looking at the roadies, listening to the sound then watching the band rock out. I want to go to the theater; I want to dance on the stage as I paint a set. I want to design costumes. I miss writing mini plays and dialog. I miss my technical theater major. The endless reading of scripts, the nights building, the set design… and now here I sit writing a psychology essay and working on setting up an internship.
But I will graduate with my art therapy degree in May and go into the big scary world. I will try my hardest to be brave, to smile to find a job. I will be charming at interviews. I will be perfect and people will wonder if they can hire me on the spot or if that is unprofessional. Then the moment that I land the job, I will open a bottle of wine with the love of my life at that particular moment and celebrate. After our second glass we will realize that this means I am moving away. Finish our third, maybe fourth glass and head to bed where without thinking we will share a passionate night. In the morning we will awake and head to Indie Coffee to get mugs of chai and discuss what this move will mean to our relationship. Soon we will realize that we simply can not practically be together, so we decide to spend time as we normally do and not let my leaving impede on our relationship. In a few weeks when I start to pack things up, we spend the nights at their house as to not make things difficult. Then one morning I wake up and get my coffee with my boxes packed in the back of my Honda and I drive off into the summer’s afternoon sun crying, which I blame on the sun in my eyes, but I know it’s a mixture of fear of the unknown on the coast and the missing of my love.
This all sounds ideal, where in reality I am going to graduate in May continue to work at Larry B’s for the summer. At the end I will probably move back home and try and find a job in that area while I raise money to go to the coasts to interview. I may have some good interviews, but my lack of skill and not going to graduate school will make employers nervous. In a year or two I will give up on the job search and apply to graduate school. By this time, the people that I got my undergrad with will be graduating with their masters and I will be behind. I will once again be behind. So I will struggle through graduate school and when I am done hopefully reapply and find a job.
For the rest of this year, I will be so busy with these stresses that there will be no time for that great love. It’s not hard to believe. Things with that girl aren’t going well. She isn’t ready to date and I frankly don’t know if I have the time or patience to deal with her. The other lady and I had a talk a week ago, in which we realized that we should just be friends. Boys suck as usual. Being an equal opportunity dater one might think that I have more options- instead I am the universal ”lets just be friends” girl.
So I continue to work. I will continue to work on my art. I am continuing to go out with friends for an occasional drink to hear a good band and I am ok with this. It just gets lonely late at night when I can’t sleep.