thoughts on death
i talked to my aunt tonight, and i had randomly called her to see how she was. she told me she had to put her dog to sleep last night, and i felt terrible. one because i know how much that dog meant to her, and two, selfishly, it made me think of my own dog. she described the whole ordeal, and it was exactly the same as my own situation. i know it's no consolation now, but it does get easier.
the thing is, how? how does time heal losses like that? how can you feel so devastated one minute, and then one day be okay? the day my own dog died, it was awful. it's the same as my aunt is feeling right now. just so helpless to the cycle of living. you know death will happen someday, but it doesn't make a difference when it actually happens.
it makes me think about life in general right now. death is still something scary, but i don't think about it as much. i'm not obsessed with it. it's not ruining my life anymore. but i used to think about these kinds of things every day. how do people accept death? how do you accept the fact that one day you will no longer exist? i even worried about what happened before i existed. was there something else before i lived? i don't mean people, or the planet, i know that stuff was here. but me. i was at one point nothing, and then i was something. someone. and one day i will be nothing again.
i really want to belileve in an afterlife so that someday i might actually still exist in some sense. what used to panic me was just that. i would no longer exist one day. i don't know how it comes to be that people can deny this fact every day. and how i can now somehow deny it too. how did i go from not thinking about it, to being obsesed with it, to not thinking about it? the answer may in fact be chemicals, and i'm fine with that right now. what happens without the chemicals? i'm still afraid to find out.
i know what she is going through, and it's one of the worst kinds of pain there is. especially when you have to make that choice, because in the end you feel like a killer. in my case, i felt like the accomplice to the crime, since i sat in the room and watched them do it. i watched as my pet went from something to nothing in a matter of seconds. life and death is such a fascinating thing. fascinating and terrifying.
i feel like this is something i could write about all night. all my thoughts on life and death. with humans and animals. it's just reeling in my head. life is always reeling in my head. i zone out way too much to try not to be overwhelmed with just how much i actually think. when i open the doors to my brain like this, it's hard to stop the flood. i tend not to open the doors too often. i'd never leave my own brain.
the thing is, how? how does time heal losses like that? how can you feel so devastated one minute, and then one day be okay? the day my own dog died, it was awful. it's the same as my aunt is feeling right now. just so helpless to the cycle of living. you know death will happen someday, but it doesn't make a difference when it actually happens.
it makes me think about life in general right now. death is still something scary, but i don't think about it as much. i'm not obsessed with it. it's not ruining my life anymore. but i used to think about these kinds of things every day. how do people accept death? how do you accept the fact that one day you will no longer exist? i even worried about what happened before i existed. was there something else before i lived? i don't mean people, or the planet, i know that stuff was here. but me. i was at one point nothing, and then i was something. someone. and one day i will be nothing again.
i really want to belileve in an afterlife so that someday i might actually still exist in some sense. what used to panic me was just that. i would no longer exist one day. i don't know how it comes to be that people can deny this fact every day. and how i can now somehow deny it too. how did i go from not thinking about it, to being obsesed with it, to not thinking about it? the answer may in fact be chemicals, and i'm fine with that right now. what happens without the chemicals? i'm still afraid to find out.
i know what she is going through, and it's one of the worst kinds of pain there is. especially when you have to make that choice, because in the end you feel like a killer. in my case, i felt like the accomplice to the crime, since i sat in the room and watched them do it. i watched as my pet went from something to nothing in a matter of seconds. life and death is such a fascinating thing. fascinating and terrifying.
i feel like this is something i could write about all night. all my thoughts on life and death. with humans and animals. it's just reeling in my head. life is always reeling in my head. i zone out way too much to try not to be overwhelmed with just how much i actually think. when i open the doors to my brain like this, it's hard to stop the flood. i tend not to open the doors too often. i'd never leave my own brain.