#91: Fix You [6/7]
===
And I will try
to fix you
===
“Yes, I’m very sorry, Minseok. Okay. Hmm, I don’t think you can today, it’s already nearing the end of the visiting hour. You can come with me tomorrow.”
Tao opens his eyes slowly,
“Yeah, Aunt Liyin is in Seoul again. She… she came before this to take care of some - … Minseok, I’ll call you later. Tao - Tao is awake!”
Above him is pristine white ceiling. The scent of medicines creep up into his nose. He starts to move his fingers and toes slowly. They’re still working. He’s alright.
“ - yes, he’s awake! Yes, okay, I’ll wait here.” Baekhyun must be calling a doctor. “Tao,” suddenly Baekhyun’s face comes in sight, “Tao, oh God, finally you’re awake! It has been three days and I was so scared - how could you do that to me?! Well it doesn’t matter, you’re awake now! You can hear me well, right?”
He nods slowly at Baekhyun. It feels empty in his chest, it’s like he’s just a hollow shell. “…”
“Tao? You can hear me, right?”
Tao wants to tell him that he’s alright, but somehow, he can’t even make a sound.
==
“It’s the trauma that causes the muteness. But don’t worry too much, it’s temporary. Once he gets better mentally, he will be able to talk again.”
His mother’s face looks noticeably older in real life.
Tao stares up at her, who is sitting next to the hospital bed, writing something on her note book. It has been quite long since the last time he can see her up close like this. The wrinkle lines are clear at each corner of her eyes. A few of grayish lines colored her black hair.
He wonders, just how much of obstacles and dead-ends she had went through her life.
She turns to look at him and smiles warmly. A few seconds pass and she says softly, “I think I owe you a story.”
Tao wants to shake his head, because he knows what kind of story his mother has for her and he doesn’t want to hear the complete version of it.
“Your father,” she starts, “he started working as the chauffeur for the late Mrs. Wu when you were barely one year old. Mrs. Wu was a very noble lady. She was kind-hearted, graceful, a perfect wife for the young Mr. Wu who just has just earned his position as the Chairman back then. The thing is, Peach, once you’re involved in that family, you will start knowing what kind of dark secrets they’re hiding. And once they know you know,” she pauses shortly, “it will be a doom for you.”
He holds his breath.
“According to what your father head from the people in the Wu residence, back before he was married, Mr. Wu was actually going to be engaged with a lady from an equally wealthy family, who also had been in some kind of obsession with Mr. Wu since long before. Yet Mr. Wu chose to rebel against his mother and married the woman of his own choice instead, which was none other than Mrs. Wu herself. And they did everything, everything to break the marriage, even after four years of it, even when their only son was already three years old.”
Yifan.
“The rich lady succeeded. She got him in an immoral affair one night, somehow, and as they expected, she conceived Mr. Wu’s child as well. She got a lot of help from the mother, so it was easy for her to eventually put herself in the shadows behind the family. I still remember, how your father told me almost every night about the misery and hardships the late Mr. Wu had to endure.”
“She thought it would end after the child was born, but actually, it was the start.” His mother sighs heavily. “The old Mr. Wu really loved his first grandson. He showered him with affection and the best toys a kid could ever have. It made the rich lady jealous, because to think of it, her son is his grandson as well, yet he never got the same treatment. The final blow was when it was announced that the first grandson will be the official heir of Wu Enterprise. She couldn’t accept it. So she made a plan, to execute Mrs. Wu.”
Tao looks up at his mother again with wide eyes.
She nods. “Sometimes people are cruel, Peach. But many times, it’s not the person who is cruel, but the life they’re in that made them cruel.” She smiles bitterly. “The rich lady planned for a set-up car crash to threaten Mrs. Wu to change the will - at least to make her son got a taste of the privilege too. And Mrs. Wu got the news. She asked help from your father to take her out of the town, to our house. Your father hesitated at first, but I told him to help her because she had done so many things for us - do you know she was the first person aside of me and your father to see you on your first day in this world? She was always there whenever we needed help. So it was natural that I wanted to help her as well.”
“But on the day where she was supposed to come to our house, they were involved… in a car crash.” His mother looks away, out of the window. “None of them could’ve made it. That was what they said.” She chuckles, but it sounds broken. “As the compensation, they took us to their house and offered me a job there. I thought that, why not? It was the last place my husband had dedicated himself at anyway.”
“Things were actually good for a few weeks. The people there were nice, the payment was good, and the children were still children, so they always played with you.” She then turns around to look at him. “Especially the youngest child, who moved in there with his mother, the rich lady, a few days after Mrs. Wu’s death. His mother was so easy to be despised, but her son was so angelic. I still remember his name, it was… something like Sehun.”
Yeah, angelic my ass.
“He was the one who was very attached to you. Everyone knew how he liked you so much.”
He doesn’t really like me that much now, I guess.
“But then one day, I got to hear from another chauffeur who was close to your father, about the truth behind the crash.” He can tell that his mother is having a hard time telling the story. “Apparently, on their way to our house, Mrs. Wu and your father were caught by the rich lady’s people, and they chased them all along the streets. The car crash was inevitable. I still remember how they said it to me. ‘This family is dangerous. They killed your husband.’”
This time, it’s Tao who looks away from his mother.
“So I ran away with you, my little Peach, who cried a lot because you had to leave Sehun. I ran away and looked for a better life. Anywhere, anything, just not that house, not that family.” She laughs brokenly. “But I guess life has its own plans.”
He doesn’t realize his tears are starting to fall on his cheeks.
“After this, you would have to come with me, back to Qingdao, Zitao.” His mother says. “I’ve told the first grandson about the whole story, and apparently the family doesn’t like it that he knows. They’re coming after me, after us. You have to leave with me after you got better.”
Tao turns around to look at his mother with horrified look.
“I know what you want to say but can’t you see the real thing now? They’re dangerous, Zitao. They’re not good for us - “
‘He’s not good for you.’
“ - and we don’t know what they can do to us. If they can do such cruel thing to their own family, they surely can do worse thing to us.”
Tao finally breaks into sob. He doesn’t even know why he’s crying. He’s supposed to be hating Kris and his family right now. He’s supposed to be resenting Kris. But somehow the idea of not seeing Kris forever seems so cruel to him. No, we can’t just end like this, it’s too tragic, too tragic.
“At least, at least after his wedding.” His mother suddenly speaks, and it makes him stop for a while. “I know why you’re like this, Peach. If it’s because of him, then you can stay at least until his wedding day. To let him go. And after that, we’re going to leave this city forever. No coming back again.”
He ends up crying again, this time in his mother’s arms. She keeps whispering ‘my poor baby’ as she rocks him back and forth. Maybe she’s regretting all the decisions she had made when she let him travel to Seoul to pursue his love for orchestra. Maybe she’s regretting the moment she had told her late husband to help someone who brought misery to them in the end. Or maybe, just maybe, she’s sorry that he has to be in such fate.
But then, who’s to blame?
==
He’s discharged from the hospital three days after he woke up. A week before Kris’ wedding.
When he observes the whole world around him, he finds it foreign. Somehow the sky is still blue yet it doesn’t feel the same. The wind is noticeably colder because it’s already the first month of winter yet it feels a whole lot colder to him. The streets are still the same, the places are still the same yet somehow his memories are messed up that they are making them look foreign to him. As if he was never happy in this place, in this city.
His mother goes back to Qingdao the next day. She asked help from Baekhyun and Chanyeol to accompany her only son until the day he leaves too. Baekhyun is more than just glad to do so, while Chanyeol looks like he has something to say to him all the time. Tao feels itchy because of it. He wants to ask what’s wrong, but at the same time he thinks that he has enough already. He can’t bear to hear any story. He’s not sure he can survive another one.
Two nights straight, he finds himself sitting alone at his couch when it’s 10 PM. As if he’s waiting for something to happen, or for someone to come. He didn’t even plan it; his body just moves on its own. Not knowing what to do, he lays down on the couch, resting his head on the armrest. His eyes focuses on the cream colored fabric next to him, and then he spots a weird brownish stain on it. He rubs his index finger on it and smells. No scent.
“Why are you sleeping here?” Baekhyun comes, towering over him. “Hmm? What is that? Coffee stain? You drink coffee?”
Tao blinks blankly at Baekhyun before he sighs. Right, coffee stain.
“Yuck,” Baekhyun observes the stain as well, “this will be hard to clean.”
Just like how it will be hard to let him go, huh?
The next morning, he wakes up on his bed with a hollowed out feeling. It’s like time has stopped for him ever since he had lost his interest in it. What’s the use of time when you don’t need the measurement because you don’t have to wait for someone anymore? Because he doesn’t know what to do, he decides to stay longer on the bed, as he lifts his left hand and spreads out the fingers. His eyes land on the silver band wrapped around his ring finger.
‘To remind you of me.’
‘To remind you that you will always have all of my heart.’
He suddenly laughs. Humans are so imperfect, thus the things they make are imperfect as well. Kris had given the ring to him so it can remind him of their memories. He didn’t say which memories; sad ones or happy ones. Because all the memories are crashing down onto his head now.
He laughs, and laughs, while his hand wipes away the stubborn tears falling from his eyes.
==
He wastes his time on the usual bench at the side of Han river. The city looks colder than before. It scares him a little. The city looks so cold, but the people who pass him by look so warm and happy. Is he the only one who really notices the cold? Or is he the problem instead?
From the corner of his eyes, he notices someone tall walking towards him. Navy blue winter coat. His heart stops for a while.
No way.
“Zitao? Is that you?”
Tao dares to look up, finding Changmin standing at the other corner of the bench, face almost hidden under his creamy white scarf. Of course, Tao wants to laugh and cry at the same time. He’s been getting crazy lately.
“May I sit with you?” Changmin asks.
Tao nods. “It’s a free world anyway.”
“Oh? You finally can speak?” Changmin blurts out. “I mean, I’ve heard you were temporarily mute.”
“I wish it’s permanent, though.” Tao mumbles.
Changmin doesn’t say anything. They drown in silence for a quite long while. Tao doesn’t know what to say and he wants to run from Changmin because the latter reminds him so much from someone he’s supposed to forget. “The thing about Yura was actually a plain accident.” Changmin suddenly says.
Tao wants to scream. I don’t want to hear anything else!!
“It was inevitable for Chanyeol to see it as Kris’ fault, but the truth is, it was an accident. One that caused an impact in the family, yet also one that happens in this city almost everyday. Chanyeol understands it, but of course, everyone needs someone to blame when the pain is too much to bear.” Changmin sighs, creating white puffs from his mouth. “Before you, Yura was the one who made Kris see that he can have a life where he decides what he wants for himself. Maybe he didn’t love her as much as he loves you but - “
God please.
“ - he still thinks of her as a very important person in his life. Every year, on the memorial of her death, he will bring a stalk of any kind of flower, as long as it’s white, just like Yura’s favorite color, and visit her grave. He was unlucky this year, though, when he got caught by the brother.”
“What happened… to her?”
Changmin sighs again. “She just got involved with the wrong person, that’s all.” He says. “Kris liked her a lot. She felt the same way. Both hit it off pretty good, and of course Mr. Wu saw it as a threat because no, his son has to be on his command all the time. He doesn’t want some random people to influence him. But the thing is, the father wasn’t the problem. It was the half-brother.”
Tao looks at him. “Sehun.”
“Err, yeah, Sehun, Sean, whatever.” Changmin shrugs. “Sean has always been a jealous little pickle all his life. He will take every chance he can get in order to make Kris looks bad at least in front of other people, if not in front of his father and grandfather. He saw Yura as the chance, and he tweaked their problem to be a little bit dramatic.”
“How??”
“Well, Sean kind of said something to Yura, something like ‘Kris is having his punishment because of you’ and Yura went to see him. Kris, however, had decided not to meet her again in order to make his father stop bothering her. So he refused to see her when she came, and she ran away with a broken heart. Sean still wanted to play her around, so he kind of followed her when she left the house. Things were out of control, and Yura was in the wrong place and the wrong time when two vans collided near her. She was one of the victim from the crash.” Changmin finishes his story with another sigh. “We can easily say that she wouldn’t be there if only Sean didn’t chased her, or if Kris had met her, a lot of excuses, actually. But in the end, life happens. It was an accident.”
Tao wanders his eyes over the horizon. The sun is slowly setting. “But Kris took the blame all these years.”
“Kris are always blamed for something he never caused or never meant to cause. And he took it all willingly.”
‘If Sehun has one person to hate the most, it would always be me. And it’s because we have no control of everything that he hates me even more.’
“He blames himself for every adversity that happened in his life. For his mother’s death, for Sehun’s endless wrath for him, for Yura’s death, for the hardships Joohyun has to endure along the engagement, for your father’s death, even for your sufferings now,” Changmin takes a breath, “he blames himself for all of them. And people blame him as well.”
Tao looks down over his laps. His heart clenches.
“So I beg you,” Changmin speaks again, this time in a softer way, “not to be one of those people too. Please don’t blame him for something he doesn’t have any control of.”
Suddenly, by the words, his memories start to work.
‘You know what, you can eat here with me at least once a week. You can eat burgers as much as your stomach can afford. I won’t judge because I like burgers too, I love it even, and I’m okay with greasy foods. And you can be easy because - ‘
Tao gasps.
‘ - I won’t hate you over things you can’t control of.’
Right, he had promised to Kris.
“Changmin,” he speaks up, “where will the wedding be held at?”
===
Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
===
‘I know you’re blaming yourself again for
something you didn’t even do. So please
don’t do it, and keep your head up.
After this, maybe we won’t be able to
ever meet again. So I’m writing this for
you to read whenever you miss me.
Just remember that I will always love
you, no matter what the world says
about you, no matter if we’re apart. I
will always love you.
Please be happy, Yifan.
Tao’
==
“Are you sure?” Changmin asks once again. “You can always come inside to meet him. He’s been a coward but I know he really wants to see you”
Tao slowly shakes his head. “Thank you,” he says politely, “but… I don’t want to make it harder.”
Victoria sighs as she envelopes her cousin in a tight embrace. “My poor Tao’er.”
“You two should go inside.” Tao musters up a smile, although he knows they can tell it’s forced. “The wedding will start in any minute. And you can’t be late since you’re the best man!”
“Yeah yeah.” Changmin grins at him. “Take care, kiddo.” he says as he ruffles Tao’s locks.
“Will you be okay on your own?” Victoria asks gently.
Tao nods. “Of course I will. I’ll just hang around with Baekhyun today.”
In ends up to be a lie. Even five minutes after Changmin and Victoria went inside the building, he stays unmoving on his spot at the pavement. It’s like his feet are chained down to the ground. Another minutes pass by, and he still stands like a statue.
It’s like he’s waiting for something to happen. Something like a miracle. But what kind of miracle? Does he deserve a miracle? Fuck, even miracle can’t do shit now.
Finally after a while, he gathers up some courage to walk away. He searches for his cigarette pack and takes one out. They look weird already. He can’t even turn on a lighter up because of the weather. Sighing, he tosses it on the ground and steps on it until the tobacco bursts out. He sighs again. Why is his life so -
“HUANG ZITAO!!”
He shrieks in a rather unmanly way before he turns around to find the culprit who almost made him faint. However he feels like fainting when he sees Kris, complete in his white tuxedo, running towards him in a not so glorious way. It looks like Kris is begging for air yet he doesn’t want to waste any second to take a breath.
“What the fuck,” Tao can’t help but to curse because the moment is just too bizarre.
Kris finally stops in front of him, panting heavily. “H-huang Zitao.” he calls wholeheartedly, yet he doesn’t get an answer.
Tao is too mesmerized to answer because -
“Your hair is black!!”
Kris looks at him, probably shocked with the unexpected answer.
“Your hair is black!” Tao gasps as he points at Kris’ jet black locks. “Black!!”
“Yeah,” Kris says with a chuckle, “I finally don’t look like an attention seeker anymore.”
“What the hell are you doing here?!”
As if he’s waking up from a trance, Kris takes a wide step forward and gathers Tao in his arms, suddenly kissing Tao’s lips fully, breathlessly. Tao wraps his arms around Kris’ neck; it just comes automatic.
Kris releases him with a pop, “Tao,” he says in a whisper, “let’s run away with me!”
Tao blinks blankly at him. He raises a hand to pinch Kris’ cheek. “Are you nuts?” he asks calmly, wiggling Kris’ cheek while on it.
“I am not!” Kris exclaims as he takes Tao’s hand away from his cheek and holds it firmly instead. “I’m being serious. Let’s run away!”
“Yifan, you’re not making any sense - “
“I got your note.” Kris finally drops the bomb. “You said you wrote it so I can read it whenever I miss you and then I thought that no, I don’t want to spend my life depending my heart on a piece of paper that can be easily torn apart any second. I want to be with you instead. I’ll depend my heart on you instead.”
“Yifan, life doesn’t work that easy.” Tao sighs. “A lot of people is up there now, waiting for you to show up. And Irene, she’s waiting for you too, can’t you think of what she is feeling right now?”
“Err, Joohyun was actually the one who helped me breaking out from the preparation room, so.”
Tao wants to facepalm himself. “You were the one who told me not to listen to her, though.”
“The point is, run away with me!” Kris takes both of his hand and holds them firmly, shaking them in process. “I know a place! Trust me, I really know a place where they can’t reach us!”
Smiling warmly at Kris, Tao pulls his hand out of Kris’ hold gently. “It’s not about the place, Yifan,” he says softly, “but it’s about what we have to do now. And you have to go back there, while I have to leave this city. This world is just not about us, remember?”
“Zitao,” Kris takes his hand back again.
“Yifan.”
“can’t you just, trust me once more? Just for today.”
“The last time I trusted you, I ended up knowing things I prefer not to know now and ended up in hospital.”
“It won’t be like that this time. I swear to you it won’t be!”
Tao stares up into Kris’ eyes, diving through the galaxy full of stars, ready to burst any second. “Where did you get all of this courage, Yifan?”
Kris smirks. “From a piece of paper.” he whispers. “I love you, Huang Zitao. I love you to the point where I will do crazy things just to be able to be next to you for a few hours.”
Tao gasps. It was his words to Kris, back when everything was much simpler. “You fucking gooey cheddar.”
“So my mozzarella doesn’t need to worry about anything, okay?” Kris grins. “We can just, like, fucking fly out of this place.”
“And how do you plan on doing it?”
Just after he asked that, a loud sound of motorcycle echoes behind him. He turns around to see Kris’ shiny black motorcycle parked at the side of the street, with someone climbing off of it. He gasps.
Sean Wu is walking towards them.
“Here.” Sean says as he throws a bunch of keys at Kris, who catches it perfectly. “She’s ready to go.”
“Thanks, brother.” Kris says naturally.
He notices a bare second of change on Sean’s face when the ‘brother’ word was said, something like bitterness, something like shame. Then Sean’s eyes land on him, and unexpectedly, he bows, a ninety degree one.
“Please be safe.” is probably Sean’s way to say billions of apologies to him.
Sean straightens up his back again. “Now hurry before father’s minions catch you guys here. I didn’t travel back to home to take her for nothing.”
“Thanks again, Sehun.” Kris says with pure gratitude as he pulls Tao away. “Come on come on!”
“Wait - we don’t even have enough helmets!”
“Just go!!”
They settles on the seat of the motorcycle. Kris starts the engine and in no time, they starts to move away. He wants to ask why is Kris in such speed but then he gets his answer immediately.
From the right rearview, he can see a bunch of black sedans chasing them from behind.
“Yifan,” Tao shouts, just in case the wind is too loud and Kris can’t hear behind the helmet, “I think we’re being chased!!”
“Of course we are!!” Kris shouts back.
He can feel his adrenaline rushing every second. Tao thinks they’re ready, more than ever. They’re ready to leave everything behind, to have a new, fresh start somewhere else. Anywhere, just not this city. Not this place. He doesn’t even know how long this freedom can lasts, but he’s willing to give it a try if Kris is willing too. Tao doesn’t know yet where is Kris taking him to, but he thinks that maybe Kris also doesn’t know it yet either. Not the destination, but how they’re going to run their lives after all of this fiasco.
But even if they’re going to get lost for a while, it’s fine for Tao. He’ll just get lost with Kris, together.
“Tao??”
Tao gasps. “Yes??”
“I’m going to ask you to take my helmet off from my head!! Can you do it??”
“What?? Why?? Are you crazy?!?!”
“It’s bothering me!! I can’t see clearly!!” Kris pauses for a bit. “The locks are opened!! You just need to pull it super quick from my head!! Can you do it?!”
Tao bites his lips. “Yes, yes!!”
“On my count,” Kris says and Tao immediately places his hands at each sides of the helmet, “one, two, three!!!”
“Got it!!”
“Now wear it!! Be careful!!”
Tao wears the helmet swiftly since it’s a little bit too big for him. He locks it quickly and wraps his arms around Kris’ waist again. They’re passing an empty street, surrounded by tall trees. They’re obviously on their way out of the city now.
“Tao!!” Kris calls again. “Say you love me!!”
“What the fuck?!?!”
“Just say it!!”
“I LOVE YOU!! Satisfied?!?!”
“Again!!”
Tao huffs. “I love you Wu Yifan!! Now be careful!! They’re still behind us!!”
Kris doesn’t answer him this time. Then he feels the tension all along Kris’ back is gone, like he’s more relaxed now. He thinks they’re coming to a stop because probably Kris is tired of running, or maybe Kris has another plan for them. But the vehicle doesn’t slow down.
“Yifan??”
Tao looks up, finding they’re heading straight towards the tall roadblock.
“YIFAN?!!”
He closes his eyes and waits for the impact.
===
I promise you
that I will learn from my mistakes
===
He finds himself screaming.
When he stops, he realizes he’s standing in the middle of a street, surrounded by tall trees. He looks down in front of him and gasps out of pure horror.
Time is on a pause. Nothing is moving. There’s a bunch of pieces from a vehicle, scattered all around the asphalt. A spot on the roadblock near him is crushed as well. And not too far from the mess, two bodies are sprawled on the ground, a few meters from each other. One has helmet on his head, while the other one is facing down against the ground, a pool of thick, red blood spreading around his head.
He falls bottom first on the asphalt.
“The brake was jammed.” Suddenly a soothing voice comes behind him. “That was why he asked you to take the helmet. He knew the both of you were going to crash. He wanted you to be safe.”
He tries to breath normally, but his breathes come staggering.
“So, do you remember everything now,” Lay asks, “Huang Zitao?”
“What - “ Tao whispers, “what have I done?”
“You’ve done nothing.” Lay shrugs. “The brake was jammed, that’s all. No one caused it. It just happened.”
“It just happened.” Tao repeats, and it sounds so stupid. “It just happened.”
“I think you understand it more than anyone else.”
“It - it can’t be like this.” Tao stands up on wobbly knees, reaching for Lay. “S-save him, I beg you, please - please don’t let him die! Let me - let me die instead!”
Lay stares at him. “Are you sure?”
“I just - “ Tao pauses as he walks towards Kris’ body, kneeling down, “I can’t, I can’t ruin his life, I can’t let him end up like this.”
“You haven’t give the exchange for your first wish,” Lay walks closer to him, “are you sure you want to make another wish? Do you have another precious thing you can exchange too?”
Tao stares up at Lay for a long while. And with a determined look, he says. “Take his memories of me.” Tao trembles. “Take his memory of us.”
“Are you sure?”
“I think, I think I’m the problem.” Tao looks down. “If we never met that day, he won’t be like this. I’m… I’m always the problem.”
“And what will you give for the second exchange?”
Tao thinks for a while, then his eyes lands on the silver band on his ring finger. “This…” he whispers, “you can have this.” He says as he takes off the ring and gives it to Lay.
Lay takes it and stares at it amusedly. “Nice.” Lay says. “Now you have a job to do then. The memories won’t erase themselves after all.”
“How?”
Lay spreads his hand upward, and a tiny vial forms up, with a piece of green grass in it.
“Do you know the wild grass theory?”
===
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